Afterbirth Marks

I have three tattoos.  The first is a robotic crab. Strange I know, but my I wanted a tattoo and had no idea what to get so I had my roommate in college design me one (Yes his was and is a good artist, he also designed his own tattoos).  There's no significance to it other than I like it and it serves as a reminder of that time in my life.  The second is a cross that I got by pointing to a picture on a wall in a tattoo parlor (Not a great way to choose a tattoo by the way).  Again not a huge amount of significance other than the reminder of that day, which was pretty fun.  The third, my most recent, was done by a local artist with a lot of talent.  It's an android (Replicant) from the cover of one of my favorite books "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" which was adapted into one of my favorite movies "Blade Runner" (Yes if you're keeping track, that's two robot tattoos.  I win.).  The android actually has a lot of significance, even outside of the fact it represents two things I really like, it represents the only real nickname I ever had.  Andrew, Android, Droid, you get the picture.  Nearly 30 year-old me still gets called Droid at least once at every family function, and yes I actually like it.

So where am I heading with this?  Damn, you people are impatient.  I'm getting to the point.  Quit interrupting.

First of all, tattoos are amazingly popular now.  I was about to say, "Finally society has accepted this as a normal form of self-expression", but it would be more appropriate to say, "Finally our Puritanical society has gotten over itself and allowed people to do freely with their own bodies without as much fear of being ostracized."  Part of this probably has to do with the fact that most unwanted tattoos can be removed now with more and more effective and less expensive treatments.  Also, badly done tattoos can easily be covered up with another job.  Most of the people I know have tattoos.  Some like me are mostly covered unless they wear certain clothing, others have theirs hanging out where everyone can see.

Well it's not written in reverse, so apparently it's not meant to be a daily reminder to himself when he looks in the mirror.

The thing is, every parent with tattoos is going to have to have the dreaded "Talk" with their kid at some point.  I imagine at the age of three or four your child will ask, "Why does Daddy have cartoons drawn on his arm?"  And for as difficult as it can be to discuss or justify* your tattoos to other adults, it is much more difficult to explain them to your children.  This is mainly because your kid is going to want to get one as soon as possible.

Why don't we let kids get tattoos?  Because kids are dumb you dummy.  I mean, the 4 year-old me would have gotten a tattoo of something stupid like a robot or something.  Man, what would people think of me then?  Obviously, the real reason is the stretching.  Even the most rad tattoo by Dmitriy Samohin would look stupid by the time a kid reaches high school.  And if there's one thing kids in high school target, it's other kids with crappy tats.

Who am I kidding, even stretched out this would still look rad.

I keep thinking that my son will inevitably get a tattoo simply because I have them, just like a kid who is around a parent that smokes all the time is much more likely to start smoking.  Kids just do what they see.  Then I started thinking, all kids are obsessed with tattoos.  Why do you think they put temporary tattoos in cereal boxes and vending machines?  Kids kids love color and images and self-expression.

This led me to another thought: Maybe it's not kids that are the issue.  Maybe as adults we get so uptight that we start to hate things simply because society tells us to.  If we teach our kids responsibility they can grow up to make responsible decisions on their own.  Teaching our kids about tattoos is just something adults have to do.

In reality tattoos are like gremlins, they have rules (One of the actual rules is to not get them wet, at least not soaking, but that's another story.  They also multiply, but not by getting them wet).  Don't get a tattoo of a real person's face.  I know it's tempting, but one slip of the needle and your favorite grandparent looks like the crypt keeper.  I get that people often do this in remembrance of a loved one, but you don't want your tattoo looking like they did at the wake instead of when they were alive.

Case in point: tattoo of a wife who died shortly after their wedding.  I honestly felt bad for this guy.  Glad he got it fixed.

It is important to wait until you're old enough to understand all the consequences.  Your tastes will change as you get older, so getting a tattoo as a teenager is probably not a great idea.  You may not regret getting a TMNT tattoo, but you may regret getting a red bandanna tattooed across your face.  If it's truly something you love, you'll still enjoy it as you grow older, so waiting to get it done won't be an issue.  Plus, when you're older you will be more responsible which will help prevent you from getting something silly in a place where it could negatively impact your life.  While you may love your tattoos, employers and prospective dates may not feel the same way.

You also have to find a artist that you love.  Picking up some disgusting person off the street is going to lead down a bad road.  If you don't find someone special you're just asking to get involved in a situation that leads to disappointment.  A tattoo is something that you live with forever and tossing out a ten spot just to get it over with is not a great idea.  Find an artist.  Develop a relationship.  Luckily we live in a day and age where many tattoo artists take their jobs very seriously and they truly want their work to be amazing and original.  They understand that you have to live with this, and they will do what they can to make it one of a kind.  Picking a name out of a phonebook will only lead to something bad, like hepatitis.  Luckily most of good artist put hygiene as a top priority.  Infected tattoos get ruined and put a bad image out there, and customers with diseases don't come back for a second piece.

So there's that.

As far as picking out a tattoo it's all up to you.  One note though: Tribal is bad.  There's not much to say about it.  Most artists worth their salt will laugh you out the door if you ask for a tribal tattoo.  But again, I don't give a shit.  It's your body, do what you will.  I've got two friggin' robot tattoos.  TWO!  Really it doesn't matter.  Be yourself.  It's your body, get a tattoo because you like it, not because it will impress someone else.  Obviously if you're married, you don't want to get something your spouse will hate.  That's just being respectful.  Plus the couch is lumpy.

So really when it comes to your kids, it is just a matter of education.  It is our job to teach them that doing things like this comes with age and responsibility.  Plus, it might seem like a lot of fun, but tattoos can friggin' hurt too.  I'll probably just bypass this whole conversation though and just give my kid the response Mr. Teavee gave Mike Teavee in "Willie Wonka":

"Not till you're 12 son."

I can't decide if this is terrifying, or if I love it.

*I use this word with much hesitance.  I don't think it's anyone else's business what you do with your body.  Asking someone why they got a certain tattoo is a very un-inked thing to do.  People have their own reasons to do the things they do and they don't need to be validated by others.  This is why I often cover my tattoos.  I got them because I enjoy them, not because I want them to create some sort of buzz with the people who see them.