Top 5 Baby Rooms and How to Make Them Balls-out

It feels like I've been gone forever.  It has been a crazy busy couple of weeks.  Actually, much of my time has been spent getting the baby's room ready.  I'll let you guess which of these five I actually instituted *Wink*.

At the risk of looking like a total jag-bag, I'm going to 100% ripoff one of my favorite comedy sites, cracked.com.  The list format just seemed to work well for this. If any of you feel like narcing on me, please don't. Those fools have nothing better to do than berate and wedgie me for stealing their format.  Those international blogger conventions are hell for the independent blog artist such as myself. 

Before you start to do all the heavy lifting remember these few things.  First, your wife can't do any heavy lifting.  Second, she should not hang out in the room despite the deliciously inviting aroma of paint fumes.  Finally, never question any of the decisions she has made about the room.  Long story short: she's the foreman, you're the slave.  It's like the conception night all over again.


#5. Batman Baby - Boy

When selecting a room for your child, it is important to start with the best sources.  For a Batman room, hit up the nerdiest search engine on the web:  Google.  I figured I would get a bunch of pictures of blue rooms with posters of the bat and Dark Knight-lights.  Instead, what I found was this monstrosity.  

I just keep picturing that Phil Collins scene from American Psycho

Where to begin with this turd of a room.  First of all, who in the world could afford to put together shit like this.  Only Bruce Wayne himself could furnish the extravagant custom made bat furniture seen in this room.  Is that a friggin' tumbler crib?  It's cool and all, but I heard that the conversion kit to a toddler bed is sold separately.  Also, the bed is clearly a king made for an adult, or more likely, multiple adults. My point is, somebody is probably using it for dirty business.  I suppose you'd have to have money to convince any woman to come back to your house and get busy in your Batman bed.  Why a bed like that would be a room clearly decorated for a child is anybody's guess.

Sadly, what bothers me the most about this room is the mixing of Batman genres.  It isn't like they took and collected parts of the Caped Crusader throughout the years and combined them into an eclectic and interesting way.  Clearly, this person just saw "Batman Begins" and Tim Burton's "Batman" then decided to mix them up into some sort of Batman butt-mud.  I really wish I could make out the Sistine Chapel style painting on the ceiling.  I imagine it is a portrait of Batman with his arm around the wonderful Katie Holmes-Cruise-Holmes and Maggie "My Brother is Prettier" Gyllenhaal.  

Now that I'm looking at it, it appears to be a hotel room rather than a kid's room.  This seems like a much more idiotic idea.  

My Take

It's so easy.  Kids are drawn to bright colorful things with simple shapes and designs.  Paint the whole room black.  Then, go and buy yourself that tumbler crib or whatever it is.  You're halfway there.  Now just stock the place with black furniture.  Then, what you'll want to do is, get the biggest can of yellow paint you can imagine.  Tape off a big bat-symbol in the middle of the biggest wall, and go to town.  Stock with the coolest Batman toys available (you know, the ones that will hurt any child under the age of 10) and you're good to go.  The bat-symbol will pop so well in all the black, your child will be fixated on it.  Hell, they might just grow up to be an awesome crime-fighter because of it.  

#4. Hunting Blind - Boy

In an attempt to come to terms with my southern roots, I thought I would check out a good old boy style room.  If we have a boy, my dad will probably call him "Bubba" from time to time, so I figure maybe his room should look the part too.  I already bought a baby trucker hat and a bunch of grease-stained onsies.  I was not at all shocked to find that "Camo Room" returned about a gazillion hits on google.  I just worry that if I leave the baby in there I won't be able to find it again until it makes a sound.

Sadly, most of the camo rooms weren't as gaudy or offensive as I had hoped.  The room pictured is actually really neat if you get rid of the camo.  It has a very nice homey and woodsy feel that would fit in nicely at a cozy house in Michigan.  Of course, with the camo, it looks a little like Ted Kaczynski's nursery.

Does that sign in the bottom right say "Whorish"?

My Take

Well the walls have to be camo.  Duh.  The whole reason to do a camo room is to paint the whole thing in camo.  I would want this kid to be able to use the whole room like one big hunting blind.  The next step would be to get rid of all the "stuffed animals" and put in some Stuffed Animals.  A giant bear poised over the crib would be just the thing the kid needs to desensitize him enough to be able to kill one with his bare hands someday.

#3. Cheerleader - Girl

I like sports, but if I have a girl there's no way she can play.  Sports are for boys dummy.  Plus, where would a girl put a jock strap?  Naturally, the next logical step is cheerleader.  If it's a girl, the best you can hope for is that they will be pretty enough to be allowed to cheer on the boys of her class.  

Again I hit google for some ideas.  Not many rooms out there for girls under the age of 12 or 13.  I guess most people aren't pushing for their daughters to be cheerleaders right out of the womb.  (Side note - do not just willy nilly type Cheerleader Bedroom into google unless you are prepared for the consequences.)  I found one that was almost terrifying enough to be added to this list.

Sadly giant tiger artists are hard to come by.

Take this one, replace the bed with a crib, change the mentally challenged tiger to an animal of your choosing, and you're ready to go.  Your daughter can grow up to be a Chicago Bears cheerleader with little to no effort on her part.

My Take

Football and basketball are getting so passé, and baseball was never cool enough to have cheerleaders in the first place.  The only sport our kids are going to be watching in 20 years is UFC, so the logical step is Ring Girl Room.  It is so much better.  Your daughter won't even have to pick up any special skills like talking and moving simultaneously.  She just has to be able to lift a card above her head and walk in high heels.  For the room, just fill the closet with stilettos and string bikinis.  Oh and then hire a contractor to reshape the room into an octagon so she can get used to walking around that shape.  Posters of sweaty men fighting are optional.

#2. Clown Room - Unisex

Babies love bright colors.  Babies love fun.  Babies love laughing.  Babies love frightening hobos who cover their wretched, gnarled faces with grease paint.  If a baby could immediately talk, it would ask for a clown room.  Make your baby's dreams come true with a deliciously hilarious clown room.

Sadly, searches for clown baby room on google yielded little to no results.  There weren't even joke rooms listed.  So many people love clowns, but refuse to pay them homage by adorning a section of their house in the national clown colors.  I did find one room which apparently someone designed on a computer in 1993.  Would you like to see it?  No?  Too bad, I refuse to face this nightmare alone.

My dog saw this picture and immediately peed on the floor.

The scariest thing about this room is the wallpaper.  It literally feels as though it will start breathing at any moment.  Also, I don't know who decided dressing up animals and things as clowns would be a good idea, but it really just lends itself to the whole "I have no clue what is under that makeup" vibe.  Did you see the lamp shade?  No you didn't, because it is eerily camouflaged into the wall paper.  Matching patterns on furniture to the pattern of the wallpaper is just one way to create optical illusions that will drive a small child to the brink of madness.  That's how David Lynch does it.

My Take

The subtle creepiness is the true stuff of nightmares.  If you think about the scariest movies you've ever seen, the worst parts are always the ones where you just feel uneasy for an extended period of time.  That's why my clown room would just be an overt carnival of horrors.  I'm talking a painted sewer vent in the corner of the room with Pennywise peaking his head out.  There should be a life-sized statue of any or all of the Killer Klowns from Outerspace.  And a recreation of the "Can't sleep clown'll eat me" headboard from the Simpsons.  There are any number of things you can do.  The good news is your kid will be so used to clowns, you will actually be able to take them to the circus.  That is, if you weren't so bat-shit scared of clowns yourself.

#1. Clean and Simple - Unisex

Many people are looking for a nice modern look.  Neutral walls and simple, classic furniture are a style that can look good in any home with little effort.  Google is ripe with pictures of rooms like this. 

Paint, buy furniture, cover outlets and you're done.  Obviously there is nothing in here for the baby to be distracted by, so it can concentrate on growing and pooping like a good baby.

My Take

I would take this room two steps further and turn it completely into the magical white-walled wonderland that is the eastern European orphanage.  All the best and brightest come from inside the walls of these amazing baby factories.  To recreate in your own home simply paint the walls eggshell white, make a crib from chicken-wire (cheap and effective), and install a food slot on the door.  This is the latest in Laissez Faire parenting.  It will teach your child to be creative and resourceful, putting them head and shoulders above all the other coddled, needy children their age.  

When you do prepare the baby's room remember they really won't know or notice most of the things around them.  Seriously, the clown room described above is going to torment you more than it will the child.  As soon as your kid is old enough to decide what they like, that's what they're going to want plastered all over their walls.  If your daughter does want to be a cheerleader, then decorate her room that way.  Kids should be encouraged to follow their dreams.  Unless their dreams are stupid, then they should be dashed on the white walls of orphanage room.

Next time

The Wheels on the Bus

Gender Bender

Better than being a girl. Like you. You're a girl!

Nearly everybody who has had a child, or is preparing to have one, has said, "I just want a healthy baby.  I don't care what it is."  This statement, for all intents and purposes is total BS.  (Side note: I had a teacher in college that always said "intense purposes" instead of "intents and purposes".  I never heard her say it, but I always imagined she also said the word "bur-gina").  Saying you don't care if it's a boy or a girl is like saying you don't care what type of ice cream someone gives you.  You're either a chocolate or vanilla person, period.  If you order a swirl cone in Alabama they release the dogs and spray you with a fire hose.

What gender you prefer is completely dependent on about a billion different variables.  Guys want a son they can pal around with and roughhouse.   Girls want a little princess they can dress-up.  Some dudes want a girl because they know she'll be a daddy's girl, and vice-versa for women.  But, in general people want a little version of themselves that they can live vicariously through, you know, because people are morons.  Expecting your child to be another you is one of the biggest ways that you can really screw up their life.  

As a man, most people probably expect that I would want a boy.  And while a boy would be great, (I just want a healthy baby.  I don't care what it is) I am leaning more toward a girl.  There are two main reasons for this.  First, teenage boys kind of creep me out, what with the smell and all.  Second, with a girl, my wife gets to handle the hard stuff, and I just skate on by.  The bonus would be that I get to dress her up like a princess.  My dog is getting pretty sick of wearing tutus and tiaras.  

The great thing about having a boy would be the whole "boys will be boys" aspect.  There are many aspects of life that boys get a pass on simply because they are boys.  Just ask Warren Zevon (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJefPK_UkdM).  But you'll need a Ouija board to do that.  In truth it is just harder to be a woman in our society.  I'm not even going to cite examples, it's just true.  The easier the life my kid has, the better.  It makes my job as a parent easier.  Also, if you have a boy, they can play professional sports and send home million dollar checks every few months.  Cha-ching.

So if you feel like you want to pick what gender you're having there are some ways you can do it.  One program essentially filters through sperm using the differential in mass between the heavier XX sperm and the lighter XY sperm (NERD!).  All well and good if you want to cough up a few thousand dollars.  You could also take your egg and sperm stuffs to a lab, mix them up for you, grow some babies, wait until they get far enough along, do a DNA test for gender, and then implant them in you lady.  Not a great option for the cheap or those who don't like to waste babies.  You could also take advantage of science on your own.  If you try to conceive at the beginning of ovulation where the egg is further away, the larger XX sperm have a chance to even out with the faster XY sperm.  Conceiving later in ovulation gives your lighter XY sperm a chance to sprint for the closer egg.  It's essentially the difference between a sprinter and a distance runner.  I'd say the chances of success for one over the other are about 50%.  Not bad.  

So, when should you find out whether you having a Luke or a Leia?  You could just wait until the thing comes shooting out.  The doctor holds up the screaming mess and says, "It's a XXX!"  Of course, the doctor could always pull the thing out and say, "Holy Shit!  I've never seen that before."  

In the old days when Luke was a biblical character and Leia was some made-up hippie name, people just had to guess at what the sex was.  We all know some of these old wives tales.  Carrying high it's a boy, or if you're carrying low it's a girl.  Again, presumably because all those XX chromosomes in the girl are weighing her down.  Also, apparently if one breast is larger than the other it denotes whether it is a boy or a girl.  Here, let me check.  One of the creepier signs is if the dark line on your wife's belly only goes to her belly button it is a girl.  If it goes all the way to her ribs, like something will come bursting out at any moment, the baby is a boy.  Of course you could always just add the conception age of your wife to the month the baby was conceived.  Odd is a girl, even is a boy.  It's math, it must be true.

The great thing about the time we live in is that modern science is amazing.  Now we can find out what sex the baby is as early as 15 weeks.  Who doesn't want this critical point in their lives to be punctuated by the ultrasound tech announcing, "There's his little pee-pee!"?  Unfortunately, sex determination from an ultrasound is only about 85-90% effective.  Apparently, the baby has to be in the exact right position because all their business parts just look like weird lumps.  

Sometimes the baby just doesn't appreciate the invasion of privacy.

I don't know how I'm going to tell people what the sex of my baby is.  I was thinking if it's a boy I could come out and hold him in the air with a stereo playing "The Circle of Life".  Of course if the first song my baby hears is by Elton John, I'd prefer it to be "Rocket Man".  Many people now have Gender Reveal Parties.  You could cut into a cake with pink or blue frosting in front of all your friends and family.  Or, you could flash the ultrasound picture of your baby's crotch on a TV and play "Guess the Dingus".  Trust me, your kid is probably going to resent your for stuff anyway, why not get your kicks too.

No matter what you have, be sure to take care of it and love it.  After all, they will be picking the flavor of gruel you get when you can no longer feed yourself.

Next time:

The Baby Room

The Horror...

In the classic Francis Ford Coppola (or as Nick Cage calls him "Unckie Franky") film "Apocalypse Now", Marlon Brando plays a renegade army colonel holed up in Cambodia.  He and his guerrillas use the neutral country to avoid the US military and wage their own war on sanity and human decency.

This is what your baby is now doing to you.

All 4D ultrasounds look a little like Colonel Kurtz.  Or maybe it's Swoosie Kurtz.

Ok, so people with brains the size of a pea can hardly be insane, or wage war for that matter.  It is more appropriate to say that the baby has arrived at your door with a very large amount of baggage.  Yes, everyone has excess luggage.  Unfortunately, when we're first born, we're so small our parents have to carry our bags for us.  So if you're planning on children, start the emotional weightlifting now.  Have your wife browbeat you for no reason.  Tell the doctor to wait an extra month before giving you the test results for that toothache you had.  Maybe suggest to your boss that they cut your pay indefinitely.  Whatever you can do to get your feelings constantly in flux, do it.  It might slightly help to prepare you for this baby stress.

At the second doctor's appointment you'll get to hear all the terrible things that could be wrong with your child.  They have screenings that can help determine if you're at higher risk for a variety of different genetic problems.  Your kid got too many chromosomes?  Not enough chromosomes?  Is your child's spine developing outside of it's body?  Want to know if your baby will eventually develop a life threatening disease that won't even be noticeable until they reach middle age?  Well we can tell you!

What they don't really tell you is that for most of these things there are really only two options.  Deal with it, or the other thing.....

It sucks. Suddenly you realize how little control you have. You're Martin Sheen and you're deep in the Cambodian jungle with a madman and a legion of his military trained and brainwashed followers.  So how do you slowly rise out of that jungle river and murder your fears with a giant bowie knife?

Didn't that guy coach the Mighty Ducks?

My first step was to just try to not think about it.  Cause that'll work.  It's like the first time you heard about the swine flu.  People were telling you how bad it would be, and how everyone was going to die.  You listened quietly keeping calm and collected, all the while thinking, "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh...."  Every time you developed a tickle in your throat you had to choke back a cough.  If you did cough or sneeze you knew it was time to write your will.  After a while you realize, the quickest way for you to get over it is by living life.  There's an old saying, "Hold on to bad thoughts too long and they turn to brown soup in your bowels.  Move on with your life and you'll poop true."  That's good advice for anyone.

It is also good to keep in mind the health of you and your spouse.  If you're young and healthy there's no reason to think your baby won't be fine.  If you make an omelette with expired eggs it may not turn out well.  However, if you use fresh eggs, you're not going to test it first or expect it to be bad, you'll just dig in.  Right?  (Seriously, that's not rhetorical, I'm not too sure about that analogy.)  

Of course there is always good old statistics to relieve your stress.  For instance, your chances of having  a baby with Spina Bifida is about the same as getting dealt a Royal Flush in poker.  Take it from someone who has played thousands of hands of poker: those are not good odds.  So really you've got an amazing chance at a winning baby, and a shit chance at the perfect poker hand.

The truly scary thing is that the fear will never leave.  You will always be worried about your child's health and happiness.  Really, that's good news.  This sort of empathy will prove you are not a cyborg.  It also means you are going to make a fine parent.  If you do not care about your child it is possible you are a cyborg built with synthetic memories to make you think you are human.  It is much more possible that you are a sociopath.  Why go through all the work of having a child if you don't give a damn about it?

So I guess there is no reason to be afraid of the giant ball of stress you've made for yourself.  You just have to live life and realize that bad things will happen, you just have to deal with them.  That's why I write.  It keeps my mind off worrying and on the happier things.  Plus it allows me to make an ass of myself in a hitherto unused media.  Lord knows I've embarrassed myself in just about every other way imaginable.

See....

Next Time:

Gender Bias