Are you a first time father? No? It doesn't matter, this blog is for you. I discuss many of the problems that I, as a first time father, have encountered, and I put them down in a torrent of non-sensical, stream of consciousness writing that will make your head spin. Sound like fun?
It's just a good laugh, and a way for me to pass the time while I await my bundle of dirty diapers.
I haven't blogged for a long time. We had a bit of a scare. Everything is fine but writing took a back seat to sitting quietly and letting my fears take hold. It was a shit couple of weeks. After we found out everything was fine we got really busy with my birthday, Easter, registering, baby fairs, all the typical stuff. We also found out we are having a BOY! I'm pretty pumped about that. Anyway, I've decided to jump back in slowly with a short, humorous and sadly accurate list. Enjoy.
Things I will definitely teach my son:
25. Goonies never say "die".
24. Sometimes being a werewolf skips a generation...
...but sometimes it lands on your face.
23. Being a man has nothing to do with balls and everything to do with responsibility.
22. When all else fails, there is always pizza.
21. Poop will be funny even when you're 90.
20. Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.
19. There is always a bit of art to science, and a bit if science to art.
18. Girls fart too.
17. You could be Batman, but it would probably be really hard, so just settle for being Jughead or Bazooka Joe.
16. Don't let fear get in the way of doing the things you want.
15. The holocaust was pretty lame.
14. Vampires' mortal enemies are the Frog brothers.
First come, first staked.
13. Good mogwai won't let you feed them after midnight; bad ones will trick you into doing it.
12. Bullying is unacceptable.
11. Clowns are unacceptable.
10. Dogs are everyone's best friend.
9. Spiders are vial hell beasts that shall be given no quarter.
8. Smoking is for the weak.
7. Birthday suit is an acceptable pajama.
6. Party-pooper is not a literal term.
5. It is unacceptable to say you dislike something you have never tried.
4. Horror movies are as American as apple pie.
I don't like when grandma reads, she never does the blood-flooding-off-the-elevator noise right.
3. My music will always be better than your music, unless your music is my music. In which case, you're welcome.
2. Loving and respecting your mother is the best indicator of good character.
1. To thine own self be true.
Bonus - Shakespeare is pretty rad, especially when read by Bill Murray.
We all know the songs: "Old MacDonald", "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", "Wheels on the Bus", "Fat Smelly Hobo", etc. And frankly, they all blow. There is nothing pleasing about listening to a song that will be stuck in your brain until the apocalypse. I can remember being about 8 and hearing Rafi performing on PBS. Even at that age I thought a person would have to be partially brain-dead to think that was entertainment. Unfortunately, it's not entirely appropriate for your toddler to listen to Nine Inch Nails, so you've got to try and find a solution. Luckily, there are some things you can do.
First of all, you can suck it up and let the kid listen to whatever you listen to. I grew up listening to the Beatles on golden oldies radio. Trust me, you don't realize that "Yellow Submarine" or "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" are about drugs until you're at least 10. That's plenty of time for your offspring to enjoy listening to well constructed and entertaining music without being corrupted.
Really, how much can a tiny baby take away from music written in a language they don't even understand? If a baby listens to some Pink Floyd and happens to hear, in a slightly distorted and frightening tone, the lyric "One of these days I'm going to cut you into little pieces" how much damage can it really do? If Jr could even understand the lyrics, it would probably be smart enough to understand that the song is not directed toward them. For what it's worth, I think babies would totally be into some Bad Brains.
There's nothing children love more than gangly rastafari playing punk rock music.
Maybe you're one of those modern coddling hipster loser type parents, and you're thinking that a band with a song called "Fearless Vampire Killers" might be inappropriate for a child (A punk rock song named after a movie directed by a probable pedophile could be seen as a poor choice for a child). I just want you to know, you're what's wrong with America. Also, you have other options.
Some credible bands have actually done their own children's albums. Well, when I say credible, I mean that in the sense that any band who's music was featured on "Tiny Toon Adventures" can be considered credible. They Might Be Giants is a band that most people in their 30's only remember from the song "Particle Man". Really anyone who listened to TMBG could have seen their children's music transition coming. "Your Racist Friend" is essentially the anthem of the 21st century toddler.
Another former band firing themselves in the Baby Beluga kiln is Devo. They've gone so far as to rename themselves Devo 2.0. Really it was the next logical step. Original Devo fans were essentially just toddlers who knew calculus and could actually afford the Star Wars toys they sought after.
Personally I wish Danny Elfman would get Oingo Boingo back together to do a children's album. He's already done so many kid friendly movies, why not reform the talented crew who performed "Little Girls" and make another song called "Little Boys". OK, there might be too much of a pervert vibe from a song like that, but it's got a groove I can dance to.
Currently, I"m really digging on the Rockabye Baby! albums. This is one of those ideas that you wish you had though of. What is boils down to is someone took the music from a bunch of famous artists (The Cure, Led Zeppelin, Queen, Rush, The Smiths, AC/DC, Pink Floyd, Bjork, Metallica, The Smashing Pumpkins) and rerecorded them as lullabies. They are quite soothing, and retain much of the musical integrity of the original songs you love. Take a listen.
If you know the lyrics, I would suggest not singing along.
I really can't wait to play some of this music for my kid. Outside of the classic baby milestones there are few I am really looking forward to: Teaching my kid who Batman is, explaining the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and Schrodinger's Cat, and introducing my kid to the wide world of music. Seriously folks, if we as parents don't take this obligation on ourselves, our kid will pick it up on the streets and end up listening to the musical stylings of Carly Rae Jepsen! Gasp!
So, if none of this works for you I do have one final solution (whoops too soon). If you're at all musically inclined, start your own damn kids band. How hard can it be? Slide whistle, kazoo, nonsensical repetitive lyrics, mix it into a bright colorful bucket of goup and the kids will eat it up. It could be so easy. You only have to write songs in the key of C (children are physically unable to hear music in any other key). I even wrote the words to your first song. They are simply: "Pooping is easy" repeat 28x.
Maybe you think children's music is too pandering. Your kid has refined tastes. They want to hear something in the mixolydian scale in 7/8 time. The easy solution would be to have them listen to Frank Zappa, but Zappa might be too overtly sexual for a six month-old. You could always strive to be the most creative and indie children's band ever created. From what I've seen though, that doesn't work.
Seriously, if you don't watch Portlandia, you probably aren't in my demographic.
I guess I'm going to stick with a combination of adult music that is appropriate, and the Rockabye Baby! stuff. When the kid starts to reach the age that they can understand the music, I'll probably throw in some They Might Be Giants ("Here Comes Science" sounds like it may have been written just for my kid). We have to remember a large part of parenting is discerning what is and what is not appropriate for our children to be involved with. There is plenty of good music out there, for adults and children alike, that is enjoyable. But remember even if the song is appropriate for a child, the band name may not be.
Daddy what's a "Pornographer"?
I'd like to take a quick moment to thank those of you who actually read these posts. I've gotten quite a bit more traffic than I expected, and the pace has been quite steady. Those of you who read all my posts or have shared them, I really appreciate it. I would also like to point out that the support makes it harder to be cynical and sarcastic, so please go away. You're ruining my vibe.
It feels like I've been gone forever. It has been a crazy busy couple of weeks. Actually, much of my time has been spent getting the baby's room ready. I'll let you guess which of these five I actually instituted *Wink*.
At the risk of looking like a total jag-bag, I'm going to 100% ripoff one of my favorite comedy sites, cracked.com. The list format just seemed to work well for this. If any of you feel like narcing on me, please don't. Those fools have nothing better to do than berate and wedgie me for stealing their format. Those international blogger conventions are hell for the independent blog artist such as myself.
Before you start to do all the heavy lifting remember these few things. First, your wife can't do any heavy lifting. Second, she should not hang out in the room despite the deliciously inviting aroma of paint fumes. Finally, never question any of the decisions she has made about the room. Long story short: she's the foreman, you're the slave. It's like the conception night all over again.
#5. Batman Baby - Boy
When selecting a room for your child, it is important to start with the best sources. For a Batman room, hit up the nerdiest search engine on the web: Google. I figured I would get a bunch of pictures of blue rooms with posters of the bat and Dark Knight-lights. Instead, what I found was this monstrosity.
I just keep picturing that Phil Collins scene from American Psycho
Where to begin with this turd of a room. First of all, who in the world could afford to put together shit like this. Only Bruce Wayne himself could furnish the extravagant custom made bat furniture seen in this room. Is that a friggin' tumbler crib? It's cool and all, but I heard that the conversion kit to a toddler bed is sold separately. Also, the bed is clearly a king made for an adult, or more likely, multiple adults. My point is, somebody is probably using it for dirty business. I suppose you'd have to have money to convince any woman to come back to your house and get busy in your Batman bed. Why a bed like that would be a room clearly decorated for a child is anybody's guess.
Sadly, what bothers me the most about this room is the mixing of Batman genres. It isn't like they took and collected parts of the Caped Crusader throughout the years and combined them into an eclectic and interesting way. Clearly, this person just saw "Batman Begins" and Tim Burton's "Batman" then decided to mix them up into some sort of Batman butt-mud. I really wish I could make out the Sistine Chapel style painting on the ceiling. I imagine it is a portrait of Batman with his arm around the wonderful Katie Holmes-Cruise-Holmes and Maggie "My Brother is Prettier" Gyllenhaal.
Now that I'm looking at it, it appears to be a hotel room rather than a kid's room. This seems like a much more idiotic idea.
My Take
It's so easy. Kids are drawn to bright colorful things with simple shapes and designs. Paint the whole room black. Then, go and buy yourself that tumbler crib or whatever it is. You're halfway there. Now just stock the place with black furniture. Then, what you'll want to do is, get the biggest can of yellow paint you can imagine. Tape off a big bat-symbol in the middle of the biggest wall, and go to town. Stock with the coolest Batman toys available (you know, the ones that will hurt any child under the age of 10) and you're good to go. The bat-symbol will pop so well in all the black, your child will be fixated on it. Hell, they might just grow up to be an awesome crime-fighter because of it.
#4. Hunting Blind - Boy
In an attempt to come to terms with my southern roots, I thought I would check out a good old boy style room. If we have a boy, my dad will probably call him "Bubba" from time to time, so I figure maybe his room should look the part too. I already bought a baby trucker hat and a bunch of grease-stained onsies. I was not at all shocked to find that "Camo Room" returned about a gazillion hits on google. I just worry that if I leave the baby in there I won't be able to find it again until it makes a sound.
Sadly, most of the camo rooms weren't as gaudy or offensive as I had hoped. The room pictured is actually really neat if you get rid of the camo. It has a very nice homey and woodsy feel that would fit in nicely at a cozy house in Michigan. Of course, with the camo, it looks a little like Ted Kaczynski's nursery.
Does that sign in the bottom right say "Whorish"?
My Take
Well the walls have to be camo. Duh. The whole reason to do a camo room is to paint the whole thing in camo. I would want this kid to be able to use the whole room like one big hunting blind. The next step would be to get rid of all the "stuffed animals" and put in some Stuffed Animals. A giant bear poised over the crib would be just the thing the kid needs to desensitize him enough to be able to kill one with his bare hands someday.
#3. Cheerleader - Girl
I like sports, but if I have a girl there's no way she can play. Sports are for boys dummy. Plus, where would a girl put a jock strap? Naturally, the next logical step is cheerleader. If it's a girl, the best you can hope for is that they will be pretty enough to be allowed to cheer on the boys of her class. Again I hit google for some ideas. Not many rooms out there for girls under the age of 12 or 13. I guess most people aren't pushing for their daughters to be cheerleaders right out of the womb. (Side note - do not just willy nilly type Cheerleader Bedroom into google unless you are prepared for the consequences.) I found one that was almost terrifying enough to be added to this list.
Sadly giant tiger artists are hard to come by.
Take this one, replace the bed with a crib, change the mentally challenged tiger to an animal of your choosing, and you're ready to go. Your daughter can grow up to be a Chicago Bears cheerleader with little to no effort on her part.
Babies love bright colors. Babies love fun. Babies love laughing. Babies love frightening hobos who cover their wretched, gnarled faces with grease paint. If a baby could immediately talk, it would ask for a clown room. Make your baby's dreams come true with a deliciously hilarious clown room. Sadly, searches for clown baby room on google yielded little to no results. There weren't even joke rooms listed. So many people love clowns, but refuse to pay them homage by adorning a section of their house in the national clown colors. I did find one room which apparently someone designed on a computer in 1993. Would you like to see it? No? Too bad, I refuse to face this nightmare alone.
My dog saw this picture and immediately peed on the floor.
The scariest thing about this room is the wallpaper. It literally feels as though it will start breathing at any moment. Also, I don't know who decided dressing up animals and things as clowns would be a good idea, but it really just lends itself to the whole "I have no clue what is under that makeup" vibe. Did you see the lamp shade? No you didn't, because it is eerily camouflaged into the wall paper. Matching patterns on furniture to the pattern of the wallpaper is just one way to create optical illusions that will drive a small child to the brink of madness. That's how David Lynch does it.
My Take
The subtle creepiness is the true stuff of nightmares. If you think about the scariest movies you've ever seen, the worst parts are always the ones where you just feel uneasy for an extended period of time. That's why my clown room would just be an overt carnival of horrors. I'm talking a painted sewer vent in the corner of the room with Pennywise peaking his head out. There should be a life-sized statue of any or all of the Killer Klowns from Outerspace. And a recreation of the "Can't sleep clown'll eat me" headboard from the Simpsons. There are any number of things you can do. The good news is your kid will be so used to clowns, you will actually be able to take them to the circus. That is, if you weren't so bat-shit scared of clowns yourself.
#1. Clean and Simple - Unisex
Many people are looking for a nice modern look. Neutral walls and simple, classic furniture are a style that can look good in any home with little effort. Google is ripe with pictures of rooms like this.
Paint, buy furniture, cover outlets and you're done. Obviously there is nothing in here for the baby to be distracted by, so it can concentrate on growing and pooping like a good baby.
My Take
I would take this room two steps further and turn it completely into the magical white-walled wonderland that is the eastern European orphanage. All the best and brightest come from inside the walls of these amazing baby factories. To recreate in your own home simply paint the walls eggshell white, make a crib from chicken-wire (cheap and effective), and install a food slot on the door. This is the latest in Laissez Faire parenting. It will teach your child to be creative and resourceful, putting them head and shoulders above all the other coddled, needy children their age.
When you do prepare the baby's room remember they really won't know or notice most of the things around them. Seriously, the clown room described above is going to torment you more than it will the child. As soon as your kid is old enough to decide what they like, that's what they're going to want plastered all over their walls. If your daughter does want to be a cheerleader, then decorate her room that way. Kids should be encouraged to follow their dreams. Unless their dreams are stupid, then they should be dashed on the white walls of orphanage room.
Your name is supposed to tell the world who you are and what you're all about. For example, Andrew means "manly". I suppose when I sprung forth into this world and immediately wrestled that bear, it was a pretty obvious sign what my name should be. Personally, I would have named myself Big Daddy Phunk, but hindsight is 20/20.
Now, I'm burdened with the task of naming a child who enters this world with no identity. Until three months ago this person never even existed. Now I have to determine what they will be called all the way until their obituary reads: "Xxxxxx died today at the age of 162 when their hover-bed flew out the window of their hover-hospital after it was accidentally run into by a hover-car attempting to park in the hover-parking garage." (Man, the future is going to be sweet). This is a lot of responsibility. I can't very well name my kid Hunky Brungus and expect that he will lead a normal life.
So how do you pick a name for your child?
The most obvious way is to steal the name of someone you like. This is why there are so many juniors out there. Every man believes that he is the greatest person in the world. I can't use junior because I don't want my wife to get mad when my son's 18 year-old girlfriend calls asking for Andy, and I "accidentally" think they are looking for me. (Creepy).
Baby books are another good source for names. Unfortunately, if you've ever been shopping with your wife while she's trying to decide between two eerily similar pairs of high heels, you know that throwing a list of 2,000 names in front of her means your child may or may not have a moniker by the time it can drive.
So here is what I did to whittle down the names of my progeny.
Throw out any names that are made up, or appear to be made up. The telltale sign here is the inclusion of characters that are not letters. L-A is not a name, it is a reverse alphabetical order for library books that comes after Z-M. If you're looking for Suzanne Collins' "The Hunger Games", it's down that aisle. (Although I'm pretty sure ~ Swinton won an Academy Award for her work in "Michael Clayton".)
Remember, your child's name will not make them who they are. Naming your kid Rocky will not make him tough and scrappy. If anything it will make him a slow-witted, punchy, Italian greaseball who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
Just because a name you like is used by someone or something famous, it doesn't mean you should exclude it. Kids are dumb, and they don't care about things that happened more than 4 months ago. No one is going to go up to your daughter and say, "Hey Josie, where are the Pussycats?" They're going to go up to her and say, "Hey Josie, you're a slut." Actually, they probably won't even say it to her face. They will just talk about her behind her back until she develops an eating disorder. We're really raising them right.
Joseph? Like Joseph Stalin? No way is he playing American hero Bruce Willis.
When in doubt, classic is always better. People avoid names now like Peter, Bruce, Anna Marie, Clark, Diana, Barbara, Mindy, Jean, Scott, etc. because they want their children to stand out of the crowd immediately. Why? If your child is truly exceptional their name won't matter. Also, if you kid ever gets in trouble with the law, and they only know his name is Scott, there's no way they'll ever figure out who it is. If your kid's name is Keikaku, and you don't live in Japan, the cops are at your door in 20 seconds.
So I guess that's pretty much it. Don't make up names unless your want your kid to stand out for the wrong reasons. Know that, if your child is going to be exceptional, it will be because they are, not because their name says they are. Having you child share his or her name with someone or something isn't bad, as long as your are not intentionally naming them after something ridiculous (like any character from Twilight). And stick with the classics. I doubt anyone has ever said, "Can you believe he named his kid Steve? Why not just tattoo 'Wedgie Me' on his neck?"
Hey, I just realized something. All those nice, well-rounded, classic names I just listed are all fictional characters. Not just any fictional characters, but characters your kid will probably love. Peter (Spiderman), Bruce (Batman & Hulk), Anna Marie (Rogue), Clark (Superman & Griswold), Diana (Wonder Woman), Barbara (Batgirl), Mindy (Hit-Girl), Jean (Phoenix), Scott (Cyclops), and Steve (Captain America). So there you have it. Forgo the baby books, just give your wife a heap of your old comics and let her dig through. She's bound to see something she likes.
