Are you a first time father? No? It doesn't matter, this blog is for you. I discuss many of the problems that I, as a first time father, have encountered, and I put them down in a torrent of non-sensical, stream of consciousness writing that will make your head spin. Sound like fun?
It's just a good laugh, and a way for me to pass the time while I await my bundle of dirty diapers.
I haven't blogged for a long time. We had a bit of a scare. Everything is fine but writing took a back seat to sitting quietly and letting my fears take hold. It was a shit couple of weeks. After we found out everything was fine we got really busy with my birthday, Easter, registering, baby fairs, all the typical stuff. We also found out we are having a BOY! I'm pretty pumped about that. Anyway, I've decided to jump back in slowly with a short, humorous and sadly accurate list. Enjoy.
Things I will definitely teach my son:
25. Goonies never say "die".
24. Sometimes being a werewolf skips a generation...
...but sometimes it lands on your face.
23. Being a man has nothing to do with balls and everything to do with responsibility.
22. When all else fails, there is always pizza.
21. Poop will be funny even when you're 90.
20. Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.
19. There is always a bit of art to science, and a bit if science to art.
18. Girls fart too.
17. You could be Batman, but it would probably be really hard, so just settle for being Jughead or Bazooka Joe.
16. Don't let fear get in the way of doing the things you want.
15. The holocaust was pretty lame.
14. Vampires' mortal enemies are the Frog brothers.
First come, first staked.
13. Good mogwai won't let you feed them after midnight; bad ones will trick you into doing it.
12. Bullying is unacceptable.
11. Clowns are unacceptable.
10. Dogs are everyone's best friend.
9. Spiders are vial hell beasts that shall be given no quarter.
8. Smoking is for the weak.
7. Birthday suit is an acceptable pajama.
6. Party-pooper is not a literal term.
5. It is unacceptable to say you dislike something you have never tried.
4. Horror movies are as American as apple pie.
I don't like when grandma reads, she never does the blood-flooding-off-the-elevator noise right.
3. My music will always be better than your music, unless your music is my music. In which case, you're welcome.
2. Loving and respecting your mother is the best indicator of good character.
1. To thine own self be true.
Bonus - Shakespeare is pretty rad, especially when read by Bill Murray.
Airlines decided long ago that it was not appropriate to show movies such as "Final Destination, "Flight", "Flight 93", "Flightplan", or pretty much any film with the word flight included in it. Apparently watching planes go down in flames while soaring at 16000 feet can put people a little on edge. I'm a firm believer that you should follow this same rule when it comes to pregnancy. Your kid might not turn out like Macaulay Culkin if you watch "The Good Son", but it certainly won't help you sleep over the coming months.
Before I get started on the actual list here's a number of honorable mentions that just seemed too easy to include.
"It" the Stephen King miniseries. OK, so the kids in this movie weren't the problem, but they attracted the attention of a vicious clown-monster who psychologically destroyed children before he eviscerated them. Not a pretty picture for a parent-to-be.
"Pet Semetary" - Kid hit by truck. Kid reborn as a bloodthirsty monster. Enough said.
"Children of the Corn" - Again Stephen King proves that children are not to be trusted. Especially if they fall under the guise of a demon who lives in a cornfield.
"Species" - This is more for the men, pre-pregnancy. How do you know your wife isn't just a crazy alien looking to get knocked-up and then give you the old praying mantis treatment?
"The Omen" - Hell, if a guy like Gregory Peck is spawning the Anti-Christ, who knows what my kids will come out like.
"Slither" - Creepy weird pseudo-sexual parasite impregnation, although coupled with hilarious hijinks from Nathan Fillion.
"The Shining" - Let's see, a child with supernatural powers which make him a target for menacing ghosts, creepy twins, and a psychotic father bent on killing his entire family. Happy times.
I hate doing this, but there are SPOILERS below. If you haven't seen any of these films you may want to watch out. Most of them are fairly old by now, but I just want to be fair.
#6 - Rosemary's Baby
So this one is pretty obvious too (horror movie, satan baby), but it just HAD to make the list. This movie is so wrong, in so many ways. Once or twice a decade a horror movie is made that surpasses the confines of the genre. "Rosemary's Baby" is very well crafted and stands completely on its own as a great film. Then you throw in the whole "carrying the spawn of Satan" plot and the movie just flies out of this world.
For a pregnant mother, this movie would cause a lifetime's worth of nightmares. I'm not just talking about the number one most obvious thing. What I found most disturbing (and I'm not a pregnant woman) was the conspiracy aspect of it. This mother, at her most vulnerable, when she should be most excited, is being conned by every single person she knows. Her neighbors, her doctor, and even her husband use her against her will to make their dark dreams come true. Plus she drinks alcohol at least twice during the movie! GASP!
Polish movie posters are AWESOME!
Another scary thing about this movie, and "The Omen" can be included in this as well, is that these monster-babies need to have names. Although the chances are small, it is always possible that you have a name picked out which happens to be the same one used for the most evil child ever conceived. For instance, Rosemary wanted to name her baby Andy if it was a boy. No wonder the other kids never wanted to play with me at recess. Luckily, the coven decided Andy was too lame for a hell-spawn and named him Adrian instead.
Finally, there's what I call the first trimester factor. Your wife will be the most ill in the first trimester, so seeing things that are unsettling or gross may not go over well. For this movie, unsettling and gross would come in the form of about a dozen naked octogenarians. I was not aware breasts could double as knee pads.
#5 - Garbage Pail Kids
Where to begin.
I think I take issue with the fact that the creatures in this movie are referred to as "Kids". These things are kids in the same regard that Cerberus is a puppy. If you imagine, even for a second, that one of these bastardized genetic experiments could be an actual child, your mind will be blown into oblivion.
This is somehow less terrifying than the original Garbage Pail Kids
This movie also carries with it the weight of the ruined names. After seeing GPK for the first time, Valerie is forever linked with Valerie Vomit. These sorts of nicknames are supposed to be made up by other children on a playground, not ingrained in a child from the womb.
OK, I'll play devil's advocate and say maybe you won't give birth to a Garbage Pail Kid (I think the rate is around 1 in every 10,000 births). There's still always the chance your kid will be the normal one who hangs out with this gang of freaks. That would somehow be so much worse: You raise a completely normal, well-adjusted child, who for some reason feels the need to learn life lessons from a bunch of space babies who look like cabbage patch kids that were grown on the fertile ground near Chernobyl.
This movie is all about the first trimester factor. There is a chance you can make it though on a good day without getting sick to your stomach. But if you're pregnant, and have even the slightest hint of morning sickness, you'll be chewing back spew through the whole flick.
#4 - Ghostbusters 2
If you know me, even a little bit, then you know I love both "Ghostbusters" movies. I truly can't find a single flaw with either film. They are the pinnacle of modern American cinema.
So why would I put "Ghostbusters 2" on my banned movies list for the pregnancy months? I think it has to do with my fear that a magic Carpathian king will somehow try and steal my baby in order to use him as a vessel for rebirth that he might conquer the world and usher in a new era of pain and hardship. Of course, this illogical fear may have actually stemmed from watching this movie in the first place. Chicken or the egg.
I always wondered if the baby would have Vigo's face after the ritual had taken place. Seriously, that might be the deal breaker. Maybe I could stick around and raise a kid who would turn out to be a total jerk as an adult, but if I had to look at that creepy face plastered on a little kid's body for years I might just go insane. It would be like living inside of an Aphex Twin video.
Uh, maybe I should put Aphex Twin videos on the Avoid list too.
The nice thing about "Ghostbusters 2" is the fact that there is no first trimester factor. The grossest thing you'll see in this movie is Annie Potts kissing Rick Moranis.
#3 - Alien
This movie could have easily been number one. The entire thing is just a weird, thinly veiled attempt and violating and emasculating anyone who watches it. Let me just spell it out for you.
The whole movie is about a guy being mounted by a creature who forcibly impregnates him, the penis baby then burst out of his chest (probably painful) and kills everyone else on the ship. THIS is the movie we should be showing kids in health class. "Children there is a 25% chance unprotected sex could lead to pregnancy, 5% that it could lead to an STD, and 78% that it will lead to an alien jumping out of your body and slaughtering everyone else on your spaceship."
Get me some damn ice chips!
The first trimester factor for this one is crazy bad. Everything is greasy, grimy, phallic, bloody and just generally disgusting. Please don't watch it during pregnancy. Watch "Aliens" instead.
#2 - Labyrinth
There are plenty of "babysitter ruins the family" movies, but none quite so disturbing as the half-sister who gives her baby brother away to a gang of music loving goblins led by the iconic David Bowie. It's supposed to be a movie for teenagers or older kids, but it's really quite terrifying.
First of all, what does a middle-aged goblin king want with a baby? I'm hoping he just wants to raise him to be some sort of goblin heir, but something tells me that's not the case. Goblins tend to eat babies. No matter how jovial and fun these goblins seem they all have a taste for baby meat.
The movie doesn't become less terrifying if you've got older kids either. There's nothing stopping the oldest from saying a few magic words and shipping the young ones off to live with the goblins. Plus, if you've got a teenage daughter, you're already worried about boys showing up at your door. Now you also have to worry about the middle-aged bisexual rulers of the outlying monster kingdoms.
Of all the reasons that this movie is disturbing to a parent, there is one part that has stuck with me my entire life. Check out this video at about 1:20.
You've never seen this shit on Sesame Street
Nothing is more disturbing to me than seeing something moving in a crib and knowing it's not a baby. Couple that with the weirdo things poking their heads in and some brit flying in the window and playing with his balls, and you've got a recipe for nightmares.
There is no fist trimester factor for this one. The bog of eternal stench is a little gross, but luckily smell-o-vision has yet to be created.
#1 - Klown The Movie
Before I go any further, I am recommending that NO ONE watch this film. I found it quite funny, but I can't at all recommend this movie to anyone because I guarantee 100% that you will be offended and I don't want that coming back to bite me in the ass.
I wanted to include a coming-of-age film in this group because most of them are terrifying reminders that our children will grow up and become adults, and as they do so they will probably take part in disturbing and offensive behavior that we would rather not know about. This movie is the perfect example of this.
It is the story of a boy, his future uncle, and his uncle's friend taking a canoe trip (A gentleman's intermission to an exclusive brothel). The three of them get involved in some horrible and disturbingly hilariously situations. And in the process, the boy becomes a man (in the Bar Mitzvah sense, not the doing it sense).
Looks can be, and often are, deceiving.
Honestly, I don't even know how they got permission for the kid to be in this movie. Either they bought him from an orphanage specifically for this or his parents are just crazy liberal Danes, which essentially means they don't care about anything.
There's no gross-out first trimester factor moments, but I promise your wife will be offended regardless of stage of the pregnancy. I was disturbed, and I am pretty unflappable.
Yes, there are a lot more movies to avoid while you're expecting, and even after. I suppose if you wanted to see a heartwarming movie you could always stick with Disney. You could watch "Bambi" (Dead parents), "The Lion King" (Dead dad), "Peter Pan" (Gang of orphans), Cinderella (Wicked Step-family). Nope, that's no good either. Just shut off the TV and sit in silence. Movies will ruin you.
It feels like I've been gone forever. It has been a crazy busy couple of weeks. Actually, much of my time has been spent getting the baby's room ready. I'll let you guess which of these five I actually instituted *Wink*.
At the risk of looking like a total jag-bag, I'm going to 100% ripoff one of my favorite comedy sites, cracked.com. The list format just seemed to work well for this. If any of you feel like narcing on me, please don't. Those fools have nothing better to do than berate and wedgie me for stealing their format. Those international blogger conventions are hell for the independent blog artist such as myself.
Before you start to do all the heavy lifting remember these few things. First, your wife can't do any heavy lifting. Second, she should not hang out in the room despite the deliciously inviting aroma of paint fumes. Finally, never question any of the decisions she has made about the room. Long story short: she's the foreman, you're the slave. It's like the conception night all over again.
#5. Batman Baby - Boy
When selecting a room for your child, it is important to start with the best sources. For a Batman room, hit up the nerdiest search engine on the web: Google. I figured I would get a bunch of pictures of blue rooms with posters of the bat and Dark Knight-lights. Instead, what I found was this monstrosity.
I just keep picturing that Phil Collins scene from American Psycho
Where to begin with this turd of a room. First of all, who in the world could afford to put together shit like this. Only Bruce Wayne himself could furnish the extravagant custom made bat furniture seen in this room. Is that a friggin' tumbler crib? It's cool and all, but I heard that the conversion kit to a toddler bed is sold separately. Also, the bed is clearly a king made for an adult, or more likely, multiple adults. My point is, somebody is probably using it for dirty business. I suppose you'd have to have money to convince any woman to come back to your house and get busy in your Batman bed. Why a bed like that would be a room clearly decorated for a child is anybody's guess.
Sadly, what bothers me the most about this room is the mixing of Batman genres. It isn't like they took and collected parts of the Caped Crusader throughout the years and combined them into an eclectic and interesting way. Clearly, this person just saw "Batman Begins" and Tim Burton's "Batman" then decided to mix them up into some sort of Batman butt-mud. I really wish I could make out the Sistine Chapel style painting on the ceiling. I imagine it is a portrait of Batman with his arm around the wonderful Katie Holmes-Cruise-Holmes and Maggie "My Brother is Prettier" Gyllenhaal.
Now that I'm looking at it, it appears to be a hotel room rather than a kid's room. This seems like a much more idiotic idea.
My Take
It's so easy. Kids are drawn to bright colorful things with simple shapes and designs. Paint the whole room black. Then, go and buy yourself that tumbler crib or whatever it is. You're halfway there. Now just stock the place with black furniture. Then, what you'll want to do is, get the biggest can of yellow paint you can imagine. Tape off a big bat-symbol in the middle of the biggest wall, and go to town. Stock with the coolest Batman toys available (you know, the ones that will hurt any child under the age of 10) and you're good to go. The bat-symbol will pop so well in all the black, your child will be fixated on it. Hell, they might just grow up to be an awesome crime-fighter because of it.
#4. Hunting Blind - Boy
In an attempt to come to terms with my southern roots, I thought I would check out a good old boy style room. If we have a boy, my dad will probably call him "Bubba" from time to time, so I figure maybe his room should look the part too. I already bought a baby trucker hat and a bunch of grease-stained onsies. I was not at all shocked to find that "Camo Room" returned about a gazillion hits on google. I just worry that if I leave the baby in there I won't be able to find it again until it makes a sound.
Sadly, most of the camo rooms weren't as gaudy or offensive as I had hoped. The room pictured is actually really neat if you get rid of the camo. It has a very nice homey and woodsy feel that would fit in nicely at a cozy house in Michigan. Of course, with the camo, it looks a little like Ted Kaczynski's nursery.
Does that sign in the bottom right say "Whorish"?
My Take
Well the walls have to be camo. Duh. The whole reason to do a camo room is to paint the whole thing in camo. I would want this kid to be able to use the whole room like one big hunting blind. The next step would be to get rid of all the "stuffed animals" and put in some Stuffed Animals. A giant bear poised over the crib would be just the thing the kid needs to desensitize him enough to be able to kill one with his bare hands someday.
#3. Cheerleader - Girl
I like sports, but if I have a girl there's no way she can play. Sports are for boys dummy. Plus, where would a girl put a jock strap? Naturally, the next logical step is cheerleader. If it's a girl, the best you can hope for is that they will be pretty enough to be allowed to cheer on the boys of her class. Again I hit google for some ideas. Not many rooms out there for girls under the age of 12 or 13. I guess most people aren't pushing for their daughters to be cheerleaders right out of the womb. (Side note - do not just willy nilly type Cheerleader Bedroom into google unless you are prepared for the consequences.) I found one that was almost terrifying enough to be added to this list.
Sadly giant tiger artists are hard to come by.
Take this one, replace the bed with a crib, change the mentally challenged tiger to an animal of your choosing, and you're ready to go. Your daughter can grow up to be a Chicago Bears cheerleader with little to no effort on her part.
Babies love bright colors. Babies love fun. Babies love laughing. Babies love frightening hobos who cover their wretched, gnarled faces with grease paint. If a baby could immediately talk, it would ask for a clown room. Make your baby's dreams come true with a deliciously hilarious clown room. Sadly, searches for clown baby room on google yielded little to no results. There weren't even joke rooms listed. So many people love clowns, but refuse to pay them homage by adorning a section of their house in the national clown colors. I did find one room which apparently someone designed on a computer in 1993. Would you like to see it? No? Too bad, I refuse to face this nightmare alone.
My dog saw this picture and immediately peed on the floor.
The scariest thing about this room is the wallpaper. It literally feels as though it will start breathing at any moment. Also, I don't know who decided dressing up animals and things as clowns would be a good idea, but it really just lends itself to the whole "I have no clue what is under that makeup" vibe. Did you see the lamp shade? No you didn't, because it is eerily camouflaged into the wall paper. Matching patterns on furniture to the pattern of the wallpaper is just one way to create optical illusions that will drive a small child to the brink of madness. That's how David Lynch does it.
My Take
The subtle creepiness is the true stuff of nightmares. If you think about the scariest movies you've ever seen, the worst parts are always the ones where you just feel uneasy for an extended period of time. That's why my clown room would just be an overt carnival of horrors. I'm talking a painted sewer vent in the corner of the room with Pennywise peaking his head out. There should be a life-sized statue of any or all of the Killer Klowns from Outerspace. And a recreation of the "Can't sleep clown'll eat me" headboard from the Simpsons. There are any number of things you can do. The good news is your kid will be so used to clowns, you will actually be able to take them to the circus. That is, if you weren't so bat-shit scared of clowns yourself.
#1. Clean and Simple - Unisex
Many people are looking for a nice modern look. Neutral walls and simple, classic furniture are a style that can look good in any home with little effort. Google is ripe with pictures of rooms like this.
Paint, buy furniture, cover outlets and you're done. Obviously there is nothing in here for the baby to be distracted by, so it can concentrate on growing and pooping like a good baby.
My Take
I would take this room two steps further and turn it completely into the magical white-walled wonderland that is the eastern European orphanage. All the best and brightest come from inside the walls of these amazing baby factories. To recreate in your own home simply paint the walls eggshell white, make a crib from chicken-wire (cheap and effective), and install a food slot on the door. This is the latest in Laissez Faire parenting. It will teach your child to be creative and resourceful, putting them head and shoulders above all the other coddled, needy children their age.
When you do prepare the baby's room remember they really won't know or notice most of the things around them. Seriously, the clown room described above is going to torment you more than it will the child. As soon as your kid is old enough to decide what they like, that's what they're going to want plastered all over their walls. If your daughter does want to be a cheerleader, then decorate her room that way. Kids should be encouraged to follow their dreams. Unless their dreams are stupid, then they should be dashed on the white walls of orphanage room.
Better than being a girl. Like you. You're a girl!
Nearly everybody who has had a child, or is preparing to have one, has said, "I just want a healthy baby. I don't care what it is." This statement, for all intents and purposes is total BS. (Side note: I had a teacher in college that always said "intense purposes" instead of "intents and purposes". I never heard her say it, but I always imagined she also said the word "bur-gina"). Saying you don't care if it's a boy or a girl is like saying you don't care what type of ice cream someone gives you. You're either a chocolate or vanilla person, period. If you order a swirl cone in Alabama they release the dogs and spray you with a fire hose.
What gender you prefer is completely dependent on about a billion different variables. Guys want a son they can pal around with and roughhouse. Girls want a little princess they can dress-up. Some dudes want a girl because they know she'll be a daddy's girl, and vice-versa for women. But, in general people want a little version of themselves that they can live vicariously through, you know, because people are morons. Expecting your child to be another you is one of the biggest ways that you can really screw up their life.
As a man, most people probably expect that I would want a boy. And while a boy would be great, (I just want a healthy baby. I don't care what it is) I am leaning more toward a girl. There are two main reasons for this. First, teenage boys kind of creep me out, what with the smell and all. Second, with a girl, my wife gets to handle the hard stuff, and I just skate on by. The bonus would be that I get to dress her up like a princess. My dog is getting pretty sick of wearing tutus and tiaras.
The great thing about having a boy would be the whole "boys will be boys" aspect. There are many aspects of life that boys get a pass on simply because they are boys. Just ask Warren Zevon (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJefPK_UkdM). But you'll need a Ouija board to do that. In truth it is just harder to be a woman in our society. I'm not even going to cite examples, it's just true. The easier the life my kid has, the better. It makes my job as a parent easier. Also, if you have a boy, they can play professional sports and send home million dollar checks every few months. Cha-ching.
So if you feel like you want to pick what gender you're having there are some ways you can do it. One program essentially filters through sperm using the differential in mass between the heavier XX sperm and the lighter XY sperm (NERD!). All well and good if you want to cough up a few thousand dollars. You could also take your egg and sperm stuffs to a lab, mix them up for you, grow some babies, wait until they get far enough along, do a DNA test for gender, and then implant them in you lady. Not a great option for the cheap or those who don't like to waste babies. You could also take advantage of science on your own. If you try to conceive at the beginning of ovulation where the egg is further away, the larger XX sperm have a chance to even out with the faster XY sperm. Conceiving later in ovulation gives your lighter XY sperm a chance to sprint for the closer egg. It's essentially the difference between a sprinter and a distance runner. I'd say the chances of success for one over the other are about 50%. Not bad.
So, when should you find out whether you having a Luke or a Leia? You could just wait until the thing comes shooting out. The doctor holds up the screaming mess and says, "It's a XXX!" Of course, the doctor could always pull the thing out and say, "Holy Shit! I've never seen that before."
In the old days when Luke was a biblical character and Leia was some made-up hippie name, people just had to guess at what the sex was. We all know some of these old wives tales. Carrying high it's a boy, or if you're carrying low it's a girl. Again, presumably because all those XX chromosomes in the girl are weighing her down. Also, apparently if one breast is larger than the other it denotes whether it is a boy or a girl. Here, let me check. One of the creepier signs is if the dark line on your wife's belly only goes to her belly button it is a girl. If it goes all the way to her ribs, like something will come bursting out at any moment, the baby is a boy. Of course you could always just add the conception age of your wife to the month the baby was conceived. Odd is a girl, even is a boy. It's math, it must be true.
The great thing about the time we live in is that modern science is amazing. Now we can find out what sex the baby is as early as 15 weeks. Who doesn't want this critical point in their lives to be punctuated by the ultrasound tech announcing, "There's his little pee-pee!"? Unfortunately, sex determination from an ultrasound is only about 85-90% effective. Apparently, the baby has to be in the exact right position because all their business parts just look like weird lumps.
Sometimes the baby just doesn't appreciate the invasion of privacy.
I don't know how I'm going to tell people what the sex of my baby is. I was thinking if it's a boy I could come out and hold him in the air with a stereo playing "The Circle of Life". Of course if the first song my baby hears is by Elton John, I'd prefer it to be "Rocket Man". Many people now have Gender Reveal Parties. You could cut into a cake with pink or blue frosting in front of all your friends and family. Or, you could flash the ultrasound picture of your baby's crotch on a TV and play "Guess the Dingus". Trust me, your kid is probably going to resent your for stuff anyway, why not get your kicks too.
No matter what you have, be sure to take care of it and love it. After all, they will be picking the flavor of gruel you get when you can no longer feed yourself.
In the classic Francis Ford Coppola (or as Nick Cage calls him "Unckie Franky") film "Apocalypse Now", Marlon Brando plays a renegade army colonel holed up in Cambodia. He and his guerrillas use the neutral country to avoid the US military and wage their own war on sanity and human decency.
This is what your baby is now doing to you.
All 4D ultrasounds look a little like Colonel Kurtz. Or maybe it's Swoosie Kurtz.
Ok, so people with brains the size of a pea can hardly be insane, or wage war for that matter. It is more appropriate to say that the baby has arrived at your door with a very large amount of baggage. Yes, everyone has excess luggage. Unfortunately, when we're first born, we're so small our parents have to carry our bags for us. So if you're planning on children, start the emotional weightlifting now. Have your wife browbeat you for no reason. Tell the doctor to wait an extra month before giving you the test results for that toothache you had. Maybe suggest to your boss that they cut your pay indefinitely. Whatever you can do to get your feelings constantly in flux, do it. It might slightly help to prepare you for this baby stress.
At the second doctor's appointment you'll get to hear all the terrible things that could be wrong with your child. They have screenings that can help determine if you're at higher risk for a variety of different genetic problems. Your kid got too many chromosomes? Not enough chromosomes? Is your child's spine developing outside of it's body? Want to know if your baby will eventually develop a life threatening disease that won't even be noticeable until they reach middle age? Well we can tell you!
What they don't really tell you is that for most of these things there are really only two options. Deal with it, or the other thing.....
It sucks. Suddenly you realize how little control you have. You're Martin Sheen and you're deep in the Cambodian jungle with a madman and a legion of his military trained and brainwashed followers. So how do you slowly rise out of that jungle river and murder your fears with a giant bowie knife?
Didn't that guy coach the Mighty Ducks?
My first step was to just try to not think about it. Cause that'll work. It's like the first time you heard about the swine flu. People were telling you how bad it would be, and how everyone was going to die. You listened quietly keeping calm and collected, all the while thinking, "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh...." Every time you developed a tickle in your throat you had to choke back a cough. If you did cough or sneeze you knew it was time to write your will. After a while you realize, the quickest way for you to get over it is by living life. There's an old saying, "Hold on to bad thoughts too long and they turn to brown soup in your bowels. Move on with your life and you'll poop true." That's good advice for anyone.
It is also good to keep in mind the health of you and your spouse. If you're young and healthy there's no reason to think your baby won't be fine. If you make an omelette with expired eggs it may not turn out well. However, if you use fresh eggs, you're not going to test it first or expect it to be bad, you'll just dig in. Right? (Seriously, that's not rhetorical, I'm not too sure about that analogy.)
Of course there is always good old statistics to relieve your stress. For instance, your chances of having a baby with Spina Bifida is about the same as getting dealt a Royal Flush in poker. Take it from someone who has played thousands of hands of poker: those are not good odds. So really you've got an amazing chance at a winning baby, and a shit chance at the perfect poker hand.
The truly scary thing is that the fear will never leave. You will always be worried about your child's health and happiness. Really, that's good news. This sort of empathy will prove you are not a cyborg. It also means you are going to make a fine parent. If you do not care about your child it is possible you are a cyborg built with synthetic memories to make you think you are human. It is much more possible that you are a sociopath. Why go through all the work of having a child if you don't give a damn about it?
So I guess there is no reason to be afraid of the giant ball of stress you've made for yourself. You just have to live life and realize that bad things will happen, you just have to deal with them. That's why I write. It keeps my mind off worrying and on the happier things. Plus it allows me to make an ass of myself in a hitherto unused media. Lord knows I've embarrassed myself in just about every other way imaginable.
Your name is supposed to tell the world who you are and what you're all about. For example, Andrew means "manly". I suppose when I sprung forth into this world and immediately wrestled that bear, it was a pretty obvious sign what my name should be. Personally, I would have named myself Big Daddy Phunk, but hindsight is 20/20.
Now, I'm burdened with the task of naming a child who enters this world with no identity. Until three months ago this person never even existed. Now I have to determine what they will be called all the way until their obituary reads: "Xxxxxx died today at the age of 162 when their hover-bed flew out the window of their hover-hospital after it was accidentally run into by a hover-car attempting to park in the hover-parking garage." (Man, the future is going to be sweet). This is a lot of responsibility. I can't very well name my kid Hunky Brungus and expect that he will lead a normal life.
So how do you pick a name for your child?
The most obvious way is to steal the name of someone you like. This is why there are so many juniors out there. Every man believes that he is the greatest person in the world. I can't use junior because I don't want my wife to get mad when my son's 18 year-old girlfriend calls asking for Andy, and I "accidentally" think they are looking for me. (Creepy).
Baby books are another good source for names. Unfortunately, if you've ever been shopping with your wife while she's trying to decide between two eerily similar pairs of high heels, you know that throwing a list of 2,000 names in front of her means your child may or may not have a moniker by the time it can drive.
So here is what I did to whittle down the names of my progeny.
Throw out any names that are made up, or appear to be made up. The telltale sign here is the inclusion of characters that are not letters. L-A is not a name, it is a reverse alphabetical order for library books that comes after Z-M. If you're looking for Suzanne Collins' "The Hunger Games", it's down that aisle. (Although I'm pretty sure ~ Swinton won an Academy Award for her work in "Michael Clayton".)
Remember, your child's name will not make them who they are. Naming your kid Rocky will not make him tough and scrappy. If anything it will make him a slow-witted, punchy, Italian greaseball who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
Just because a name you like is used by someone or something famous, it doesn't mean you should exclude it. Kids are dumb, and they don't care about things that happened more than 4 months ago. No one is going to go up to your daughter and say, "Hey Josie, where are the Pussycats?" They're going to go up to her and say, "Hey Josie, you're a slut." Actually, they probably won't even say it to her face. They will just talk about her behind her back until she develops an eating disorder. We're really raising them right.
Joseph? Like Joseph Stalin? No way is he playing American hero Bruce Willis.
When in doubt, classic is always better. People avoid names now like Peter, Bruce, Anna Marie, Clark, Diana, Barbara, Mindy, Jean, Scott, etc. because they want their children to stand out of the crowd immediately. Why? If your child is truly exceptional their name won't matter. Also, if you kid ever gets in trouble with the law, and they only know his name is Scott, there's no way they'll ever figure out who it is. If your kid's name is Keikaku, and you don't live in Japan, the cops are at your door in 20 seconds.
So I guess that's pretty much it. Don't make up names unless your want your kid to stand out for the wrong reasons. Know that, if your child is going to be exceptional, it will be because they are, not because their name says they are. Having you child share his or her name with someone or something isn't bad, as long as your are not intentionally naming them after something ridiculous (like any character from Twilight). And stick with the classics. I doubt anyone has ever said, "Can you believe he named his kid Steve? Why not just tattoo 'Wedgie Me' on his neck?"
Hey, I just realized something. All those nice, well-rounded, classic names I just listed are all fictional characters. Not just any fictional characters, but characters your kid will probably love. Peter (Spiderman), Bruce (Batman & Hulk), Anna Marie (Rogue), Clark (Superman & Griswold), Diana (Wonder Woman), Barbara (Batgirl), Mindy (Hit-Girl), Jean (Phoenix), Scott (Cyclops), and Steve (Captain America). So there you have it. Forgo the baby books, just give your wife a heap of your old comics and let her dig through. She's bound to see something she likes.
I think I'll name my first son after Crispin 'George McFly' Glover
No one likes going to the doctor. For every life they save, at least two people leave missing a perfectly healthy appendage. Personally, anytime I go to someone's place of business and their first move is to ask me to disrobe, that's a red flag.
But, if you're a first time dad joining your partner to the OB/GYN, you should be excited. You want to be a dad right? Well a little piss on a cardboard stick isn't exactly cutting edge technology. Leave it to the professionals. And what better way to enjoy one of the most exciting and initiate moments of your life than under the glow of florescent lights surrounded by the smell of strong disinfectant.
Now the waiting room is terrifying at any doctor's office. This one is no different, but it is unique. Those perpetually pregnant moms with five kids you see haunting the aisles of K-mart, well apparently this is where they live. Whatever you do, do not make eye contact. Any badboy quality you had has all but evaporated as you are now a gentleman who takes his wife to the lady part doctor. Women who used to close the shutters and pull their kids off the street when they saw you coming, will now not only approach, but also openly engage you in conversation. This must be avoided. Talking to a mother of 12 about her mucus plug is not the way you want your first real experience as a father to go. Here is an effective and discreet solution. Whenever one of these women makes eye contact, give a small shrug, motion toward your partner, and mouth, "V.D.". There, you are no longer the concerned father, you're the creepy dude with the trampy wife.
Eventually, a girl will lead you back to the exam room. As you progress you'll notice a change in decor. In the waiting room the walls were lined with pictures of blonde cherub-y babies, and the occasional water color of a Victorian Age woman holding a parasol standing by a lake. In the hall the walls are mostly bare, with the exception of the bulletin boards full of pictures of healthy toddlers that had, presumably, been delivered by the doctor you are about to see. All very cute and cuddly, and in now way does it prepare you for what lies in the exam room.
Vaginas. Lots of them. The insides. The outsides. Lots of parts with names that rhyme with Seinfeld characters. I imagine the suicide rate for people who work at vagina poster manufacturer is probably pretty high. It's a little worrisome, all the pictures with labels on them. It's kind of like walking into a dentist's office and seeing a lot of drawings of open mouths with arrows that say, "Teeth". Do they really not know their way around down there? Maybe it's for the male doctors. Nothing like a good map when you're traveling to a foreign country.
So the excitement has built, and you're ready to hear for sure if you're going to be a dad. Really what it amounts to is the doc's hands disappearing beneath a sheet and seconds later saying, "Yup you're pregnant.". Seriously? I could have done that. It can't be that hard. Just poke around a while until you feel a foot or a head. That's why you have to do the classic "We're just really worried first time parents" routine and get yourself an early ultrasound.
Now you must understand, this is not free. They don't just wheel around that fancy ultrasound that looks like a sex toy for free. Yeah, turns out you can't do an ultrasound on the outside when the baby is the size of a fingernail. They have to get up-close and personal. God bless the women for putting up with this shit. If I was a girl, the first time somebody told me about having a baby, I would have gotten my tubes tied. I'm not pushing anything out of me bigger than a snickers bar. And then, on top of actually giving birth, they have to deal with all these crazy bodily assaults beforehand. Not least of all the conception. But I digress.
If you do get an ultrasound, you will see a tiny dot of a baby. You may see a flicker of the heartbeat (a very good sign). You may even hear the heartbeat (even better). What you do not want, is to see more than one heartbeat. You've probably already resigned yourself to being poor for a long time, but if you're having multiples, you're going to be poor forever.
It is around this time the doctor will tell your wife that she has to go to the lab for more tests. So after intruding on her privates with hands and utensils, they now wish for some of some of her fluids for their collection. All the developing baby pictures, cross-sectioned lady part pictures, probing, and fluid stealing really makes you feel like you're witnessing an actual alien abduction. The only difference is the doctor isn't nice enough to wipe your memory before you get home.
So there you have it. All the pretty little ducks of the Obstetrician in a neat row. Don't be scared it's not bad, if you're the husband.
.jpg)
.jpg)
