25 Things I Will Definitely Teach My Son

I haven't blogged for a long time. We had a bit of a scare. Everything is fine but writing took a back seat to sitting quietly and letting my fears take hold. It was a shit couple of weeks.  After we found out everything was fine we got really busy with my birthday, Easter, registering, baby fairs, all the typical stuff.  We also found out we are having a BOY!  I'm pretty pumped about that.  Anyway, I've decided to jump back in slowly with a short, humorous and sadly accurate list. Enjoy.

Things I will definitely teach my son:

25. Goonies never say "die".
24. Sometimes being a werewolf skips a generation...

...but sometimes it lands on your face.

23. Being a man has nothing to do with balls and everything to do with responsibility.
22. When all else fails, there is always pizza.
21. Poop will be funny even when you're 90.
20. Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.
19. There is always a bit of art to science, and a bit if science to art.
18. Girls fart too.
17. You could be Batman, but it would probably be really hard, so just settle for being Jughead or Bazooka Joe.
16. Don't let fear get in the way of doing the things you want.
15. The holocaust was pretty lame.
14. Vampires' mortal enemies are the Frog brothers.

First come, first staked.

13. Good mogwai won't let you feed them after midnight; bad ones will trick you into doing it.
12. Bullying is unacceptable.
11. Clowns are unacceptable.
10. Dogs are everyone's best friend.
9. Spiders are vial hell beasts that shall be given no quarter.
8. Smoking is for the weak.
7. Birthday suit is an acceptable pajama.
6. Party-pooper is not a literal term.
5. It is unacceptable to say you dislike something you have never tried.
4. Horror movies are as American as apple pie.

I don't like when grandma reads, she never does the blood-flooding-off-the-elevator noise right.

3. My music will always be better than your music, unless your music is my music. In which case, you're welcome.
2. Loving and respecting your mother is the best indicator of good character.
1. To thine own self be true.

Bonus - Shakespeare is pretty rad, especially when read by Bill Murray.

Bonus II - Daddy will always awesomesauce you.

Next Time:

Who the hell knows?  I'm just winging it.