Before I get started on the actual list here's a number of honorable mentions that just seemed too easy to include.
"It" the Stephen King miniseries. OK, so the kids in this movie weren't the problem, but they attracted the attention of a vicious clown-monster who psychologically destroyed children before he eviscerated them. Not a pretty picture for a parent-to-be.
"Pet Semetary" - Kid hit by truck. Kid reborn as a bloodthirsty monster. Enough said.
"Children of the Corn" - Again Stephen King proves that children are not to be trusted. Especially if they fall under the guise of a demon who lives in a cornfield.
"Species" - This is more for the men, pre-pregnancy. How do you know your wife isn't just a crazy alien looking to get knocked-up and then give you the old praying mantis treatment?
"The Omen" - Hell, if a guy like Gregory Peck is spawning the Anti-Christ, who knows what my kids will come out like.
"Slither" - Creepy weird pseudo-sexual parasite impregnation, although coupled with hilarious hijinks from Nathan Fillion.
"The Shining" - Let's see, a child with supernatural powers which make him a target for menacing ghosts, creepy twins, and a psychotic father bent on killing his entire family. Happy times.
I hate doing this, but there are SPOILERS below. If you haven't seen any of these films you may want to watch out. Most of them are fairly old by now, but I just want to be fair.
#6 - Rosemary's Baby
So this one is pretty obvious too (horror movie, satan baby), but it just HAD to make the list. This movie is so wrong, in so many ways. Once or twice a decade a horror movie is made that surpasses the confines of the genre. "Rosemary's Baby" is very well crafted and stands completely on its own as a great film. Then you throw in the whole "carrying the spawn of Satan" plot and the movie just flies out of this world.
For a pregnant mother, this movie would cause a lifetime's worth of nightmares. I'm not just talking about the number one most obvious thing. What I found most disturbing (and I'm not a pregnant woman) was the conspiracy aspect of it. This mother, at her most vulnerable, when she should be most excited, is being conned by every single person she knows. Her neighbors, her doctor, and even her husband use her against her will to make their dark dreams come true. Plus she drinks alcohol at least twice during the movie! GASP!
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| Polish movie posters are AWESOME! |
Another scary thing about this movie, and "The Omen" can be included in this as well, is that these monster-babies need to have names. Although the chances are small, it is always possible that you have a name picked out which happens to be the same one used for the most evil child ever conceived. For instance, Rosemary wanted to name her baby Andy if it was a boy. No wonder the other kids never wanted to play with me at recess. Luckily, the coven decided Andy was too lame for a hell-spawn and named him Adrian instead.
Finally, there's what I call the first trimester factor. Your wife will be the most ill in the first trimester, so seeing things that are unsettling or gross may not go over well. For this movie, unsettling and gross would come in the form of about a dozen naked octogenarians. I was not aware breasts could double as knee pads.
#5 - Garbage Pail Kids
Where to begin.
I think I take issue with the fact that the creatures in this movie are referred to as "Kids". These things are kids in the same regard that Cerberus is a puppy. If you imagine, even for a second, that one of these bastardized genetic experiments could be an actual child, your mind will be blown into oblivion.
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| This is somehow less terrifying than the original Garbage Pail Kids |
This movie also carries with it the weight of the ruined names. After seeing GPK for the first time, Valerie is forever linked with Valerie Vomit. These sorts of nicknames are supposed to be made up by other children on a playground, not ingrained in a child from the womb.
OK, I'll play devil's advocate and say maybe you won't give birth to a Garbage Pail Kid (I think the rate is around 1 in every 10,000 births). There's still always the chance your kid will be the normal one who hangs out with this gang of freaks. That would somehow be so much worse: You raise a completely normal, well-adjusted child, who for some reason feels the need to learn life lessons from a bunch of space babies who look like cabbage patch kids that were grown on the fertile ground near Chernobyl.
This movie is all about the first trimester factor. There is a chance you can make it though on a good day without getting sick to your stomach. But if you're pregnant, and have even the slightest hint of morning sickness, you'll be chewing back spew through the whole flick.
#4 - Ghostbusters 2
If you know me, even a little bit, then you know I love both "Ghostbusters" movies. I truly can't find a single flaw with either film. They are the pinnacle of modern American cinema.
So why would I put "Ghostbusters 2" on my banned movies list for the pregnancy months? I think it has to do with my fear that a magic Carpathian king will somehow try and steal my baby in order to use him as a vessel for rebirth that he might conquer the world and usher in a new era of pain and hardship. Of course, this illogical fear may have actually stemmed from watching this movie in the first place. Chicken or the egg.
I always wondered if the baby would have Vigo's face after the ritual had taken place. Seriously, that might be the deal breaker. Maybe I could stick around and raise a kid who would turn out to be a total jerk as an adult, but if I had to look at that creepy face plastered on a little kid's body for years I might just go insane. It would be like living inside of an Aphex Twin video.
Uh, maybe I should put Aphex Twin videos on the Avoid list too.
The nice thing about "Ghostbusters 2" is the fact that there is no first trimester factor. The grossest thing you'll see in this movie is Annie Potts kissing Rick Moranis.
#3 - Alien
This movie could have easily been number one. The entire thing is just a weird, thinly veiled attempt and violating and emasculating anyone who watches it. Let me just spell it out for you.
Alien - Walking Dong
Face-Hugger - Vagina Monster
Chestburster - Birth
The whole movie is about a guy being mounted by a creature who forcibly impregnates him, the penis baby then burst out of his chest (probably painful) and kills everyone else on the ship. THIS is the movie we should be showing kids in health class. "Children there is a 25% chance unprotected sex could lead to pregnancy, 5% that it could lead to an STD, and 78% that it will lead to an alien jumping out of your body and slaughtering everyone else on your spaceship."
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| Get me some damn ice chips! |
The first trimester factor for this one is crazy bad. Everything is greasy, grimy, phallic, bloody and just generally disgusting. Please don't watch it during pregnancy. Watch "Aliens" instead.
#2 - Labyrinth
There are plenty of "babysitter ruins the family" movies, but none quite so disturbing as the half-sister who gives her baby brother away to a gang of music loving goblins led by the iconic David Bowie. It's supposed to be a movie for teenagers or older kids, but it's really quite terrifying.
First of all, what does a middle-aged goblin king want with a baby? I'm hoping he just wants to raise him to be some sort of goblin heir, but something tells me that's not the case. Goblins tend to eat babies. No matter how jovial and fun these goblins seem they all have a taste for baby meat.
The movie doesn't become less terrifying if you've got older kids either. There's nothing stopping the oldest from saying a few magic words and shipping the young ones off to live with the goblins. Plus, if you've got a teenage daughter, you're already worried about boys showing up at your door. Now you also have to worry about the middle-aged bisexual rulers of the outlying monster kingdoms.
Of all the reasons that this movie is disturbing to a parent, there is one part that has stuck with me my entire life. Check out this video at about 1:20.
You've never seen this shit on Sesame Street
Nothing is more disturbing to me than seeing something moving in a crib and knowing it's not a baby. Couple that with the weirdo things poking their heads in and some brit flying in the window and playing with his balls, and you've got a recipe for nightmares.
There is no fist trimester factor for this one. The bog of eternal stench is a little gross, but luckily smell-o-vision has yet to be created.
#1 - Klown The Movie
Before I go any further, I am recommending that NO ONE watch this film. I found it quite funny, but I can't at all recommend this movie to anyone because I guarantee 100% that you will be offended and I don't want that coming back to bite me in the ass.
I wanted to include a coming-of-age film in this group because most of them are terrifying reminders that our children will grow up and become adults, and as they do so they will probably take part in disturbing and offensive behavior that we would rather not know about. This movie is the perfect example of this.
It is the story of a boy, his future uncle, and his uncle's friend taking a canoe trip (A gentleman's intermission to an exclusive brothel). The three of them get involved in some horrible and disturbingly hilariously situations. And in the process, the boy becomes a man (in the Bar Mitzvah sense, not the doing it sense).
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| Looks can be, and often are, deceiving. |
Honestly, I don't even know how they got permission for the kid to be in this movie. Either they bought him from an orphanage specifically for this or his parents are just crazy liberal Danes, which essentially means they don't care about anything.
There's no gross-out first trimester factor moments, but I promise your wife will be offended regardless of stage of the pregnancy. I was disturbed, and I am pretty unflappable.
Yes, there are a lot more movies to avoid while you're expecting, and even after. I suppose if you wanted to see a heartwarming movie you could always stick with Disney. You could watch "Bambi" (Dead parents), "The Lion King" (Dead dad), "Peter Pan" (Gang of orphans), Cinderella (Wicked Step-family). Nope, that's no good either. Just shut off the TV and sit in silence. Movies will ruin you.
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