Sports Unenthusiast

No matter who you are, raising a child will inevitably lead you to the all-powerful sports complex at some point.  I personally am not much of a sports guy.  I enjoy watching certain sports, especially football, but I'd crap a monkey if I thought anyone had ever used the word "athletic" to describe me (typically lumpy mashed potatoes on top of two toothpicks is considered the most unathletic thing imaginable).  My kid will probably have the same body type, so growing up to be the next Derek Jeter is most likely a no-go.  Not only that, but so many sports are just so, well, dumb.

I get the whole team aspect.  Honestly, if there's one thing kids need, especially in this day and age, it's to learn to work well with others.  Unfortunately, at younger and younger ages, the importance of teamwork is almost zero, and the importance of winning and losing is pretty much 100%.  Even in leagues that are "just for fun" less talented kids are played less often than the naturally athletic kids.  As they grow up, it gets even worse.  So I've decided to go through various sports and explain which are terrible choices for your kid.  (Hint: All of them are).

Baseball - Honestly, this might be the worst offender.  First of all, it is the easiest for your kid to be completely forgotten.  It requires a fair amount of coordination for a kid to catch, throw, and hit a small ball.  If your kid can't do one of these things, you better have a good pair of tweezers because you'll be pulling a lot of splinters out of his ass.  Not only that, but it's also a terrible sport for bat-shit crazy parents.  Little League umps live in constant fear for their lives.  There's not much I hate more than an parent who acts more like a child than the actual child.  Also, I don't know that I could restrain myself from punching-out a self-righteous, entitled baseball Dad.  Many people also don't realize baseball is quite dangerous.  A local infielder suffered a severe head injury a few years ago.  More recently, another teen died at school after being hit in the chest by a softball during gym.  I know, lets put eight year-olds out there who barely have the coordination to catch, and hit line-drives at their face.  And I haven't even scratched the surface with all the potential leg and shoulder injuries.  Plus, yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwnnnnnnn.  Baseball is a friggin' snoozefest.

"Daddy I don't get it.  In the Walter Hill film "The Warriors", what were those guys with the face paint and wooden sticks supposed to be dressed up as?" - My 5 year-old son.

Football - This has all the same problems as baseball: Pine-riding, dangerous, terrible parents, etc.  The difference is, it's even easier for you kid to get lost in the shuffle.  Your town probably only has one youth football team.  Which means the roster might have fifty kids.  If your kid stinks, he's going to be doing a lot of cheering for his teammates.  The other bad thing is, football is way more expensive.  I'm not sure how much equipment the kid has to buy, but it's more than baseball and more expensive too.  And if you're pushing your kid to play football so they can be a famous athlete and support you, I hope you are comfortable with living with the fact that you caused them permanent brain damage.  There's lots of evidence for it.  Here for example.  At a certain age, they have to be allowed to choose for themselves, but why would you force them to do it as a child?

This is your brain.  This is your brain on Football.  I SAID....THIS....IS....YOUR.....oh never mind, just go back to counting your money.

Basketball - I don't have a lot of problems with youth basketball.  It's relatively safe, and there aren't quite as many fanatic parents.  Most kids are absolutely terrible at young ages, so they get everyone involved.  However, this is part of the problem.  Watching younger kids trying to shoot a basketball is like trying to thread a needle while drunk.  So much anxiety, so little Xanax.  Also, basketball at higher levels becomes one of the most difficult to stay involved with.  Small rosters make it difficult to continue playing for less talented kids who love the game.

I just happened across this picture.  Then I noticed the joke.  Hilarious / Terrifying.

Soccer - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!  Seriously though, you are supposed to stop your kids from making terrible life decisions, not encourage them to do so.

Sorry, I meant: ever since you joined that youth FOOTBALL hooligan league you've been such a dick.

Track/Cross Country - I'm not too sure what age this starts.  I remember doing the 50 yard dash in school at a very young age, but as far as formal races who knows.  What I do know is that for some reason running has become one of the most popular pass-times in our country.  What I can't figure out is: what the hell is wrong with people?  "Did you see how fast I got from point A to point B?  I'm pretty rad."  Nobody cares.  Seriously.  Nobody.  I can't figure out why you even care.  All sports are pointless when it comes down to it.  They help teach us how to interact with others, take orders, develop as a person, but the main goal is an achievement that means literally nothing out of context (My little league team was the best in the league one year, we only lost two games.  Do you care?).  Running doesn't even have those other lessons.  Running is simply a way to earn bragging rights.  Oh, I ran x miles in x minutes.  Ok, great, I ate three Snickers in five minutes.  We're both winners!  And if you're going to tell me that growing as a runner develops self-discipline, I'd tell you that there are many equally valid, less sweaty ways to do the same:  Avoiding food you know is bad; cutting out pop; cutting out swearing; doing something to grow mentally like reading; getting involved in literally any other sport (yes, even soccer).  And if you tell me you love to run, I will look you in the face and call you a liar.  Walkers for life.

At least this guy has a pretty good reason.

Hockey - See Football then multiply by a billion.

'Nuff Said

Martial Arts - So I guess this is kind of a pseudo-sport.  It is athletic, and many kids get involved at a very young age.  The best parts about it are that it teaches self-discipline and respect.  And since it is an individual sport, your child is always involved.  There is typically very little physical contact at younger ages, which means much fewer injuries than you would expect.  Unfortunately it is awfully expensive.  Unless you're lucky enough to have a YMCA or similar intramural gym that offers cheap or free classes, most studios charge an arm and a (sweep the) leg to get involved.  However, every child could benefit from some self-defense training.  Schools aren't getting any safer.  Plus, knowing how to defend against an abduction is never a bad skill for a child.  I'm all for practical skills.  Just know that making enrollment in martial arts public knowledge may open the floodgates for even more bullying at school.  The kid doing sloppy sidekicks at the bus-stop isn't exactly killing it in the friend department.

I'm fairly certain the sewer-dwelling Chicago Uber-hipsters have made this man their king.

I'm so torn.  Philosophically I hate sports; in actuality I enjoy most of them.  However my main point is there are many other much more practical aspects of life that children can be encouraged to pursue.  Oh I don't know, gaining knowledge about the world, for example.  I believe participating to some degree in a sport is an important part of individual development, but I'd prefer not to have my child gravely injured, or even subjected to listening to a profanity-laden tirade from a moronic parent.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those "We're all winners!" people.  The most important and maybe harshest lesson a child must learn is that winning and losing are a part of life.  I just feel like there has to be a more constructive environment to teach this lesson.  An environment not sullied by hostility, unfairness, injury, and emphasis on the superfluous.  And hell, if my kid wants a Superbowl ring, I'll just drop by a pawn shop.

Next Time:
All Inked Up

6 Movies to Avoid While You're Expecting

Airlines decided long ago that it was not appropriate to show movies such as "Final Destination, "Flight", "Flight 93", "Flightplan", or pretty much any film with the word flight included in it.  Apparently watching planes go down in flames while soaring at 16000 feet can put people a little on edge.  I'm a firm believer that you should follow this same rule when it comes to pregnancy.  Your kid might not turn out like Macaulay Culkin if you watch "The Good Son", but it certainly won't help you sleep over the coming months.

Before I get started on the actual list here's a number of honorable mentions that just seemed too easy to include.
"It"  the Stephen King miniseries.  OK, so the kids in this movie weren't the problem, but they attracted the attention of a vicious clown-monster who psychologically destroyed children before he eviscerated them.  Not a pretty picture for a parent-to-be.
"Pet Semetary" - Kid hit by truck.  Kid reborn as a bloodthirsty monster.  Enough said.
"Children of the Corn" -  Again Stephen King proves that children are not to be trusted.  Especially if they fall under the guise of a demon who lives in a cornfield.
"Species" - This is more for the men, pre-pregnancy.  How do you know your wife isn't just a crazy alien looking to get knocked-up and then give you the old praying mantis treatment?
"The Omen" - Hell, if a guy like Gregory Peck is spawning the Anti-Christ, who knows what my kids will come out like.
"Slither" - Creepy weird pseudo-sexual parasite impregnation, although coupled with hilarious hijinks from Nathan Fillion.
"The Shining" - Let's see, a child with supernatural powers which make him a target for menacing ghosts, creepy twins, and a psychotic father bent on killing his entire family.  Happy times.

I hate doing this, but there are SPOILERS below.  If you haven't seen any of these films you may want to watch out.  Most of them are fairly old by now, but I just want to be fair.

#6 - Rosemary's Baby

So this one is pretty obvious too (horror movie, satan baby), but it just HAD to make the list.  This movie is so wrong, in so many ways.  Once or twice a decade a horror movie is made that surpasses the confines of the genre.  "Rosemary's Baby" is very well crafted and stands completely on its own as a great film.  Then you throw in the whole "carrying the spawn of Satan" plot and the movie just flies out of this world.

For a pregnant mother, this movie would cause a lifetime's worth of nightmares.  I'm not just talking about the number one most obvious thing.  What I found most disturbing (and I'm not a pregnant woman) was the conspiracy aspect of it.  This mother, at her most vulnerable, when she should be most excited, is being conned by every single person she knows.  Her neighbors, her doctor, and even her husband use her against her will to make their dark dreams come true.  Plus she drinks alcohol at least twice during the movie!  GASP!

Polish movie posters are AWESOME!

Another scary thing about this movie, and "The Omen" can be included in this as well, is that these monster-babies need to have names.  Although the chances are small, it is always possible that you have a name picked out which happens to be the same one used for the most evil child ever conceived. For instance, Rosemary wanted to name her baby Andy if it was a boy.  No wonder the other kids never wanted to play with me at recess.  Luckily, the coven decided Andy was too lame for a hell-spawn and named him Adrian instead.

Finally, there's what I call the first trimester factor.  Your wife will be the most ill in the first trimester, so seeing things that are unsettling or gross may not go over well.  For this movie, unsettling and gross would come in the form of about a dozen naked octogenarians.  I was not aware breasts could double as knee pads.


#5 - Garbage Pail Kids

Where to begin.

I think I take issue with the fact that the creatures in this movie are referred to as "Kids".  These things are kids in the same regard that Cerberus is a puppy.  If you imagine, even for a second, that one of these bastardized genetic experiments could be an actual child, your mind will be blown into oblivion.

This is somehow less terrifying than the original Garbage Pail Kids

This movie also carries with it the weight of the ruined names.  After seeing GPK for the first time, Valerie is forever linked with Valerie Vomit.  These sorts of nicknames are supposed to be made up by other children on a playground, not ingrained in a child from the womb.

OK, I'll play devil's advocate and say maybe you won't give birth to a Garbage Pail Kid (I think the rate is around 1 in every 10,000 births).  There's still always the chance your kid will be the normal one who hangs out with this gang of freaks.  That would somehow be so much worse:  You raise a completely normal, well-adjusted child, who for some reason feels the need to learn life lessons from a bunch of space babies who look like cabbage patch kids that were grown on the fertile ground near Chernobyl.

This movie is all about the first trimester factor.  There is a chance you can make it though on a good day without getting sick to your stomach.  But if you're pregnant, and have even the slightest hint of morning sickness, you'll be chewing back spew through the whole flick.

#4 - Ghostbusters 2

If you know me, even a little bit, then you know I love both "Ghostbusters" movies.  I truly can't find a single flaw with either film.   They are the pinnacle of modern American cinema.

So why would I put "Ghostbusters 2" on my banned movies list for the pregnancy months?  I think it has to do with my fear that a magic Carpathian king will somehow try and steal my baby in order to use him as a vessel for rebirth that he might conquer the world and usher in a new era of pain and hardship. Of course, this illogical fear may have actually stemmed from watching this movie in the first place.  Chicken or the egg.

I always wondered if the baby would have Vigo's face after the ritual had taken place.  Seriously, that might be the deal breaker.  Maybe I could stick around and raise a kid who would turn out to be a total jerk as an adult, but if I had to look at that creepy face plastered on a little kid's body for years I might just go insane.  It would be like living inside of an Aphex Twin video.

Uh, maybe I should put Aphex Twin videos on the Avoid list too.

The nice thing about "Ghostbusters 2" is the fact that there is no first trimester factor.  The grossest thing you'll see in this movie is Annie Potts kissing Rick Moranis.

#3 - Alien

This movie could have easily been number one.  The entire thing is just a weird, thinly veiled attempt and violating and emasculating anyone who watches it.  Let me just spell it out for you.

Alien - Walking Dong
Face-Hugger - Vagina Monster
Chestburster - Birth

The whole movie is about a guy being mounted by a creature who forcibly impregnates him, the penis baby then burst out of his chest (probably painful) and kills everyone else on the ship.  THIS is the movie we should be showing kids in health class.  "Children there is a 25% chance unprotected sex could lead to pregnancy, 5% that it could lead to an STD, and 78% that it will lead to an alien jumping out of your body and slaughtering everyone else on your spaceship."

Get me some damn ice chips!

The first trimester factor for this one is crazy bad.  Everything is greasy, grimy, phallic, bloody and just generally disgusting.  Please don't watch it during pregnancy.  Watch "Aliens" instead.

#2 - Labyrinth

There are plenty of "babysitter ruins the family" movies, but none quite so disturbing as the half-sister who gives her baby brother away to a gang of music loving goblins led by the iconic David Bowie.  It's supposed to be a movie for teenagers or older kids, but it's really quite terrifying.

First of all, what does a middle-aged goblin king want with a baby?  I'm hoping he just wants to raise him to be some sort of goblin heir, but something tells me that's not the case.  Goblins tend to eat babies.  No matter how jovial and fun these goblins seem they all have a taste for baby meat.

The movie doesn't become less terrifying if you've got older kids either.  There's nothing stopping the oldest from saying a few magic words and shipping the young ones off to live with the goblins.  Plus, if you've got a teenage daughter, you're already worried about boys showing up at your door.  Now you also have to worry about the middle-aged bisexual rulers of the outlying monster kingdoms.

Of all the reasons that this movie is disturbing to a parent, there is one part that has stuck with me my entire life.  Check out this video at about 1:20.

You've never seen this shit on Sesame Street

Nothing is more disturbing to me than seeing something moving in a crib and knowing it's not a baby.  Couple that with the weirdo things poking their heads in and some brit flying in the window and playing with his balls, and you've got a recipe for nightmares.

There is no fist trimester factor for this one.  The bog of eternal stench is a little gross, but luckily smell-o-vision has yet to be created.

#1 - Klown The Movie

Before I go any further, I am recommending that NO ONE watch this film.  I found it quite funny, but I can't at all recommend this movie to anyone because I guarantee 100% that you will be offended and I don't want that coming back to bite me in the ass.  

I wanted to include a coming-of-age film in this group because most of them are terrifying reminders that our children will grow up and become adults, and as they do so they will probably take part in disturbing and offensive behavior that we would rather not know about.  This movie is the perfect example of this.

It is the story of a boy, his future uncle, and his uncle's friend taking a canoe trip (A gentleman's intermission to an exclusive brothel).  The three of them get involved in some horrible and disturbingly hilariously situations.  And in the process, the boy becomes a man (in the Bar Mitzvah sense, not the doing it sense).

Looks can be, and often are, deceiving.

Honestly, I don't even know how they got permission for the kid to be in this movie.  Either they bought him from an orphanage specifically for this or his parents are just crazy liberal Danes, which essentially means they don't care about anything.  

There's no gross-out first trimester factor moments, but I promise your wife will be offended regardless of stage of the pregnancy.  I was disturbed, and I am pretty unflappable.

Yes, there are a lot more movies to avoid while you're expecting, and even after.  I suppose if you wanted to see a heartwarming movie you could always stick with Disney.  You could watch "Bambi" (Dead parents), "The Lion King" (Dead dad), "Peter Pan" (Gang of orphans), Cinderella (Wicked Step-family).  Nope, that's no good either.  Just shut off the TV and sit in silence.  Movies will ruin you.

Next Time:

The Registry (for real this time)

Gender Bender

Better than being a girl. Like you. You're a girl!

Nearly everybody who has had a child, or is preparing to have one, has said, "I just want a healthy baby.  I don't care what it is."  This statement, for all intents and purposes is total BS.  (Side note: I had a teacher in college that always said "intense purposes" instead of "intents and purposes".  I never heard her say it, but I always imagined she also said the word "bur-gina").  Saying you don't care if it's a boy or a girl is like saying you don't care what type of ice cream someone gives you.  You're either a chocolate or vanilla person, period.  If you order a swirl cone in Alabama they release the dogs and spray you with a fire hose.

What gender you prefer is completely dependent on about a billion different variables.  Guys want a son they can pal around with and roughhouse.   Girls want a little princess they can dress-up.  Some dudes want a girl because they know she'll be a daddy's girl, and vice-versa for women.  But, in general people want a little version of themselves that they can live vicariously through, you know, because people are morons.  Expecting your child to be another you is one of the biggest ways that you can really screw up their life.  

As a man, most people probably expect that I would want a boy.  And while a boy would be great, (I just want a healthy baby.  I don't care what it is) I am leaning more toward a girl.  There are two main reasons for this.  First, teenage boys kind of creep me out, what with the smell and all.  Second, with a girl, my wife gets to handle the hard stuff, and I just skate on by.  The bonus would be that I get to dress her up like a princess.  My dog is getting pretty sick of wearing tutus and tiaras.  

The great thing about having a boy would be the whole "boys will be boys" aspect.  There are many aspects of life that boys get a pass on simply because they are boys.  Just ask Warren Zevon (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJefPK_UkdM).  But you'll need a Ouija board to do that.  In truth it is just harder to be a woman in our society.  I'm not even going to cite examples, it's just true.  The easier the life my kid has, the better.  It makes my job as a parent easier.  Also, if you have a boy, they can play professional sports and send home million dollar checks every few months.  Cha-ching.

So if you feel like you want to pick what gender you're having there are some ways you can do it.  One program essentially filters through sperm using the differential in mass between the heavier XX sperm and the lighter XY sperm (NERD!).  All well and good if you want to cough up a few thousand dollars.  You could also take your egg and sperm stuffs to a lab, mix them up for you, grow some babies, wait until they get far enough along, do a DNA test for gender, and then implant them in you lady.  Not a great option for the cheap or those who don't like to waste babies.  You could also take advantage of science on your own.  If you try to conceive at the beginning of ovulation where the egg is further away, the larger XX sperm have a chance to even out with the faster XY sperm.  Conceiving later in ovulation gives your lighter XY sperm a chance to sprint for the closer egg.  It's essentially the difference between a sprinter and a distance runner.  I'd say the chances of success for one over the other are about 50%.  Not bad.  

So, when should you find out whether you having a Luke or a Leia?  You could just wait until the thing comes shooting out.  The doctor holds up the screaming mess and says, "It's a XXX!"  Of course, the doctor could always pull the thing out and say, "Holy Shit!  I've never seen that before."  

In the old days when Luke was a biblical character and Leia was some made-up hippie name, people just had to guess at what the sex was.  We all know some of these old wives tales.  Carrying high it's a boy, or if you're carrying low it's a girl.  Again, presumably because all those XX chromosomes in the girl are weighing her down.  Also, apparently if one breast is larger than the other it denotes whether it is a boy or a girl.  Here, let me check.  One of the creepier signs is if the dark line on your wife's belly only goes to her belly button it is a girl.  If it goes all the way to her ribs, like something will come bursting out at any moment, the baby is a boy.  Of course you could always just add the conception age of your wife to the month the baby was conceived.  Odd is a girl, even is a boy.  It's math, it must be true.

The great thing about the time we live in is that modern science is amazing.  Now we can find out what sex the baby is as early as 15 weeks.  Who doesn't want this critical point in their lives to be punctuated by the ultrasound tech announcing, "There's his little pee-pee!"?  Unfortunately, sex determination from an ultrasound is only about 85-90% effective.  Apparently, the baby has to be in the exact right position because all their business parts just look like weird lumps.  

Sometimes the baby just doesn't appreciate the invasion of privacy.

I don't know how I'm going to tell people what the sex of my baby is.  I was thinking if it's a boy I could come out and hold him in the air with a stereo playing "The Circle of Life".  Of course if the first song my baby hears is by Elton John, I'd prefer it to be "Rocket Man".  Many people now have Gender Reveal Parties.  You could cut into a cake with pink or blue frosting in front of all your friends and family.  Or, you could flash the ultrasound picture of your baby's crotch on a TV and play "Guess the Dingus".  Trust me, your kid is probably going to resent your for stuff anyway, why not get your kicks too.

No matter what you have, be sure to take care of it and love it.  After all, they will be picking the flavor of gruel you get when you can no longer feed yourself.

Next time:

The Baby Room