6 Movies to Avoid While You're Expecting

Airlines decided long ago that it was not appropriate to show movies such as "Final Destination, "Flight", "Flight 93", "Flightplan", or pretty much any film with the word flight included in it.  Apparently watching planes go down in flames while soaring at 16000 feet can put people a little on edge.  I'm a firm believer that you should follow this same rule when it comes to pregnancy.  Your kid might not turn out like Macaulay Culkin if you watch "The Good Son", but it certainly won't help you sleep over the coming months.

Before I get started on the actual list here's a number of honorable mentions that just seemed too easy to include.
"It"  the Stephen King miniseries.  OK, so the kids in this movie weren't the problem, but they attracted the attention of a vicious clown-monster who psychologically destroyed children before he eviscerated them.  Not a pretty picture for a parent-to-be.
"Pet Semetary" - Kid hit by truck.  Kid reborn as a bloodthirsty monster.  Enough said.
"Children of the Corn" -  Again Stephen King proves that children are not to be trusted.  Especially if they fall under the guise of a demon who lives in a cornfield.
"Species" - This is more for the men, pre-pregnancy.  How do you know your wife isn't just a crazy alien looking to get knocked-up and then give you the old praying mantis treatment?
"The Omen" - Hell, if a guy like Gregory Peck is spawning the Anti-Christ, who knows what my kids will come out like.
"Slither" - Creepy weird pseudo-sexual parasite impregnation, although coupled with hilarious hijinks from Nathan Fillion.
"The Shining" - Let's see, a child with supernatural powers which make him a target for menacing ghosts, creepy twins, and a psychotic father bent on killing his entire family.  Happy times.

I hate doing this, but there are SPOILERS below.  If you haven't seen any of these films you may want to watch out.  Most of them are fairly old by now, but I just want to be fair.

#6 - Rosemary's Baby

So this one is pretty obvious too (horror movie, satan baby), but it just HAD to make the list.  This movie is so wrong, in so many ways.  Once or twice a decade a horror movie is made that surpasses the confines of the genre.  "Rosemary's Baby" is very well crafted and stands completely on its own as a great film.  Then you throw in the whole "carrying the spawn of Satan" plot and the movie just flies out of this world.

For a pregnant mother, this movie would cause a lifetime's worth of nightmares.  I'm not just talking about the number one most obvious thing.  What I found most disturbing (and I'm not a pregnant woman) was the conspiracy aspect of it.  This mother, at her most vulnerable, when she should be most excited, is being conned by every single person she knows.  Her neighbors, her doctor, and even her husband use her against her will to make their dark dreams come true.  Plus she drinks alcohol at least twice during the movie!  GASP!

Polish movie posters are AWESOME!

Another scary thing about this movie, and "The Omen" can be included in this as well, is that these monster-babies need to have names.  Although the chances are small, it is always possible that you have a name picked out which happens to be the same one used for the most evil child ever conceived. For instance, Rosemary wanted to name her baby Andy if it was a boy.  No wonder the other kids never wanted to play with me at recess.  Luckily, the coven decided Andy was too lame for a hell-spawn and named him Adrian instead.

Finally, there's what I call the first trimester factor.  Your wife will be the most ill in the first trimester, so seeing things that are unsettling or gross may not go over well.  For this movie, unsettling and gross would come in the form of about a dozen naked octogenarians.  I was not aware breasts could double as knee pads.


#5 - Garbage Pail Kids

Where to begin.

I think I take issue with the fact that the creatures in this movie are referred to as "Kids".  These things are kids in the same regard that Cerberus is a puppy.  If you imagine, even for a second, that one of these bastardized genetic experiments could be an actual child, your mind will be blown into oblivion.

This is somehow less terrifying than the original Garbage Pail Kids

This movie also carries with it the weight of the ruined names.  After seeing GPK for the first time, Valerie is forever linked with Valerie Vomit.  These sorts of nicknames are supposed to be made up by other children on a playground, not ingrained in a child from the womb.

OK, I'll play devil's advocate and say maybe you won't give birth to a Garbage Pail Kid (I think the rate is around 1 in every 10,000 births).  There's still always the chance your kid will be the normal one who hangs out with this gang of freaks.  That would somehow be so much worse:  You raise a completely normal, well-adjusted child, who for some reason feels the need to learn life lessons from a bunch of space babies who look like cabbage patch kids that were grown on the fertile ground near Chernobyl.

This movie is all about the first trimester factor.  There is a chance you can make it though on a good day without getting sick to your stomach.  But if you're pregnant, and have even the slightest hint of morning sickness, you'll be chewing back spew through the whole flick.

#4 - Ghostbusters 2

If you know me, even a little bit, then you know I love both "Ghostbusters" movies.  I truly can't find a single flaw with either film.   They are the pinnacle of modern American cinema.

So why would I put "Ghostbusters 2" on my banned movies list for the pregnancy months?  I think it has to do with my fear that a magic Carpathian king will somehow try and steal my baby in order to use him as a vessel for rebirth that he might conquer the world and usher in a new era of pain and hardship. Of course, this illogical fear may have actually stemmed from watching this movie in the first place.  Chicken or the egg.

I always wondered if the baby would have Vigo's face after the ritual had taken place.  Seriously, that might be the deal breaker.  Maybe I could stick around and raise a kid who would turn out to be a total jerk as an adult, but if I had to look at that creepy face plastered on a little kid's body for years I might just go insane.  It would be like living inside of an Aphex Twin video.

Uh, maybe I should put Aphex Twin videos on the Avoid list too.

The nice thing about "Ghostbusters 2" is the fact that there is no first trimester factor.  The grossest thing you'll see in this movie is Annie Potts kissing Rick Moranis.

#3 - Alien

This movie could have easily been number one.  The entire thing is just a weird, thinly veiled attempt and violating and emasculating anyone who watches it.  Let me just spell it out for you.

Alien - Walking Dong
Face-Hugger - Vagina Monster
Chestburster - Birth

The whole movie is about a guy being mounted by a creature who forcibly impregnates him, the penis baby then burst out of his chest (probably painful) and kills everyone else on the ship.  THIS is the movie we should be showing kids in health class.  "Children there is a 25% chance unprotected sex could lead to pregnancy, 5% that it could lead to an STD, and 78% that it will lead to an alien jumping out of your body and slaughtering everyone else on your spaceship."

Get me some damn ice chips!

The first trimester factor for this one is crazy bad.  Everything is greasy, grimy, phallic, bloody and just generally disgusting.  Please don't watch it during pregnancy.  Watch "Aliens" instead.

#2 - Labyrinth

There are plenty of "babysitter ruins the family" movies, but none quite so disturbing as the half-sister who gives her baby brother away to a gang of music loving goblins led by the iconic David Bowie.  It's supposed to be a movie for teenagers or older kids, but it's really quite terrifying.

First of all, what does a middle-aged goblin king want with a baby?  I'm hoping he just wants to raise him to be some sort of goblin heir, but something tells me that's not the case.  Goblins tend to eat babies.  No matter how jovial and fun these goblins seem they all have a taste for baby meat.

The movie doesn't become less terrifying if you've got older kids either.  There's nothing stopping the oldest from saying a few magic words and shipping the young ones off to live with the goblins.  Plus, if you've got a teenage daughter, you're already worried about boys showing up at your door.  Now you also have to worry about the middle-aged bisexual rulers of the outlying monster kingdoms.

Of all the reasons that this movie is disturbing to a parent, there is one part that has stuck with me my entire life.  Check out this video at about 1:20.

You've never seen this shit on Sesame Street

Nothing is more disturbing to me than seeing something moving in a crib and knowing it's not a baby.  Couple that with the weirdo things poking their heads in and some brit flying in the window and playing with his balls, and you've got a recipe for nightmares.

There is no fist trimester factor for this one.  The bog of eternal stench is a little gross, but luckily smell-o-vision has yet to be created.

#1 - Klown The Movie

Before I go any further, I am recommending that NO ONE watch this film.  I found it quite funny, but I can't at all recommend this movie to anyone because I guarantee 100% that you will be offended and I don't want that coming back to bite me in the ass.  

I wanted to include a coming-of-age film in this group because most of them are terrifying reminders that our children will grow up and become adults, and as they do so they will probably take part in disturbing and offensive behavior that we would rather not know about.  This movie is the perfect example of this.

It is the story of a boy, his future uncle, and his uncle's friend taking a canoe trip (A gentleman's intermission to an exclusive brothel).  The three of them get involved in some horrible and disturbingly hilariously situations.  And in the process, the boy becomes a man (in the Bar Mitzvah sense, not the doing it sense).

Looks can be, and often are, deceiving.

Honestly, I don't even know how they got permission for the kid to be in this movie.  Either they bought him from an orphanage specifically for this or his parents are just crazy liberal Danes, which essentially means they don't care about anything.  

There's no gross-out first trimester factor moments, but I promise your wife will be offended regardless of stage of the pregnancy.  I was disturbed, and I am pretty unflappable.

Yes, there are a lot more movies to avoid while you're expecting, and even after.  I suppose if you wanted to see a heartwarming movie you could always stick with Disney.  You could watch "Bambi" (Dead parents), "The Lion King" (Dead dad), "Peter Pan" (Gang of orphans), Cinderella (Wicked Step-family).  Nope, that's no good either.  Just shut off the TV and sit in silence.  Movies will ruin you.

Next Time:

The Registry (for real this time)

Old MacDonald Can Blow It Out His Ass

We all know the songs:  "Old MacDonald", "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", "Wheels on the Bus", "Fat Smelly Hobo", etc.  And frankly, they all blow. There is nothing pleasing about listening to a song that will be stuck in your brain until the apocalypse.  I can remember being about 8 and hearing Rafi performing on PBS.  Even at that age I thought a person would have to be partially brain-dead to think that was entertainment.  Unfortunately, it's not entirely appropriate for your toddler to listen to Nine Inch Nails, so you've got to try and find a solution. Luckily, there are some things you can do.

First of all, you can suck it up and let the kid listen to whatever you listen to.  I grew up listening to the Beatles on golden oldies radio.  Trust me, you don't realize that "Yellow Submarine" or "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" are about drugs until you're at least 10.  That's plenty of time for your offspring to enjoy listening to well constructed and entertaining music without being corrupted.

Really, how much can a tiny baby take away from music written in a language they don't even understand?  If a baby listens to some Pink Floyd and happens to hear, in a slightly distorted and frightening tone, the lyric "One of these days I'm going to cut you into little pieces" how much damage can it really do?  If Jr could even understand the lyrics, it would probably be smart enough to understand that the song is not directed toward them.  For what it's worth, I think babies would totally be into some Bad Brains.

There's nothing children love more than gangly rastafari playing punk rock music.

Maybe you're one of those modern coddling hipster loser type parents, and you're thinking that a band with a song called "Fearless Vampire Killers" might be inappropriate for a child (A punk rock song named after a movie directed by a probable pedophile could be seen as a poor choice for a child).  I just want you to know, you're what's wrong with America.  Also, you have other options.  

Some credible bands have actually done their own children's albums.  Well, when I say credible, I mean that in the sense that any band who's music was featured on "Tiny Toon Adventures" can be considered credible.  They Might Be Giants is a band that most people in their 30's only remember from the song "Particle Man".  Really anyone who listened to TMBG could have seen their children's music transition coming.  "Your Racist Friend" is essentially the anthem of the 21st century toddler.

Another former band firing themselves in the Baby Beluga kiln is Devo.  They've gone so far as to rename themselves Devo 2.0.  Really it was the next logical step.  Original Devo fans were essentially just toddlers who knew calculus and could actually afford the Star Wars toys they sought after.  

Personally I wish Danny Elfman would get Oingo Boingo back together to do a children's album.  He's already done so many kid friendly movies, why not reform the talented crew who performed "Little Girls" and make another song called "Little Boys".  OK, there might be too much of a pervert vibe from a song like that, but it's got a groove I can dance to.

Currently, I"m really digging on the Rockabye Baby! albums.  This is one of those ideas that you wish you had though of.  What is boils down to is someone took the music from a bunch of famous artists (The Cure, Led Zeppelin, Queen, Rush, The Smiths, AC/DC, Pink Floyd, Bjork, Metallica, The Smashing Pumpkins) and rerecorded them as lullabies.  They are quite soothing, and retain much of the musical integrity of the original songs you love.  Take a listen.

If you know the lyrics, I would suggest not singing along.

I really can't wait to play some of this music for my kid.  Outside of the classic baby milestones there are few I am really looking forward to:  Teaching my kid who Batman is, explaining the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and Schrodinger's Cat, and introducing my kid to the wide world of music.  Seriously folks, if we as parents don't take this obligation on ourselves, our kid will pick it up on the streets and end up listening to the musical stylings of Carly Rae Jepsen!  Gasp!

So, if none of this works for you I do have one final solution (whoops too soon).  If you're at all musically inclined, start your own damn kids band.  How hard can it be?  Slide whistle, kazoo, nonsensical repetitive lyrics, mix it into a bright colorful bucket of goup and the kids will eat it up.  It could be so easy.  You only have to write songs in the key of C (children are physically unable to hear music in any other key).  I even wrote the words to your first song.  They are simply: "Pooping is easy" repeat 28x.  

Maybe you think children's music is too pandering.  Your kid has refined tastes.  They want to hear something in the mixolydian scale in 7/8 time.  The easy solution would be to have them listen to Frank Zappa, but Zappa might be too overtly sexual for a six month-old.  You could always strive to be the most creative and indie children's band ever created.  From what I've seen though, that doesn't work.

Seriously, if you don't watch Portlandia, you probably aren't in my demographic.

I guess I'm going to stick with a combination of adult music that is appropriate, and the Rockabye Baby! stuff.  When the kid starts to reach the age that they can understand the music, I'll probably throw in some They Might Be Giants ("Here Comes Science" sounds like it may have been written just for my kid).  We have to remember a large part of parenting is discerning what is and what is not appropriate for our children to be involved with.  There is plenty of good music out there, for adults and children alike, that is enjoyable.  But remember even if the song is appropriate for a child, the band name may not be.

Daddy what's a "Pornographer"?

I'd like to take a quick moment to thank those of you who actually read these posts.  I've gotten quite a bit more traffic than I expected, and the pace has been quite steady.  Those of you who read all my posts or have shared them, I really appreciate it.  I would also like to point out that the support makes it harder to be cynical and sarcastic, so please go away.  You're ruining my vibe.

Next Time

The Registry Labyrinth 

Gender Bender

Better than being a girl. Like you. You're a girl!

Nearly everybody who has had a child, or is preparing to have one, has said, "I just want a healthy baby.  I don't care what it is."  This statement, for all intents and purposes is total BS.  (Side note: I had a teacher in college that always said "intense purposes" instead of "intents and purposes".  I never heard her say it, but I always imagined she also said the word "bur-gina").  Saying you don't care if it's a boy or a girl is like saying you don't care what type of ice cream someone gives you.  You're either a chocolate or vanilla person, period.  If you order a swirl cone in Alabama they release the dogs and spray you with a fire hose.

What gender you prefer is completely dependent on about a billion different variables.  Guys want a son they can pal around with and roughhouse.   Girls want a little princess they can dress-up.  Some dudes want a girl because they know she'll be a daddy's girl, and vice-versa for women.  But, in general people want a little version of themselves that they can live vicariously through, you know, because people are morons.  Expecting your child to be another you is one of the biggest ways that you can really screw up their life.  

As a man, most people probably expect that I would want a boy.  And while a boy would be great, (I just want a healthy baby.  I don't care what it is) I am leaning more toward a girl.  There are two main reasons for this.  First, teenage boys kind of creep me out, what with the smell and all.  Second, with a girl, my wife gets to handle the hard stuff, and I just skate on by.  The bonus would be that I get to dress her up like a princess.  My dog is getting pretty sick of wearing tutus and tiaras.  

The great thing about having a boy would be the whole "boys will be boys" aspect.  There are many aspects of life that boys get a pass on simply because they are boys.  Just ask Warren Zevon (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJefPK_UkdM).  But you'll need a Ouija board to do that.  In truth it is just harder to be a woman in our society.  I'm not even going to cite examples, it's just true.  The easier the life my kid has, the better.  It makes my job as a parent easier.  Also, if you have a boy, they can play professional sports and send home million dollar checks every few months.  Cha-ching.

So if you feel like you want to pick what gender you're having there are some ways you can do it.  One program essentially filters through sperm using the differential in mass between the heavier XX sperm and the lighter XY sperm (NERD!).  All well and good if you want to cough up a few thousand dollars.  You could also take your egg and sperm stuffs to a lab, mix them up for you, grow some babies, wait until they get far enough along, do a DNA test for gender, and then implant them in you lady.  Not a great option for the cheap or those who don't like to waste babies.  You could also take advantage of science on your own.  If you try to conceive at the beginning of ovulation where the egg is further away, the larger XX sperm have a chance to even out with the faster XY sperm.  Conceiving later in ovulation gives your lighter XY sperm a chance to sprint for the closer egg.  It's essentially the difference between a sprinter and a distance runner.  I'd say the chances of success for one over the other are about 50%.  Not bad.  

So, when should you find out whether you having a Luke or a Leia?  You could just wait until the thing comes shooting out.  The doctor holds up the screaming mess and says, "It's a XXX!"  Of course, the doctor could always pull the thing out and say, "Holy Shit!  I've never seen that before."  

In the old days when Luke was a biblical character and Leia was some made-up hippie name, people just had to guess at what the sex was.  We all know some of these old wives tales.  Carrying high it's a boy, or if you're carrying low it's a girl.  Again, presumably because all those XX chromosomes in the girl are weighing her down.  Also, apparently if one breast is larger than the other it denotes whether it is a boy or a girl.  Here, let me check.  One of the creepier signs is if the dark line on your wife's belly only goes to her belly button it is a girl.  If it goes all the way to her ribs, like something will come bursting out at any moment, the baby is a boy.  Of course you could always just add the conception age of your wife to the month the baby was conceived.  Odd is a girl, even is a boy.  It's math, it must be true.

The great thing about the time we live in is that modern science is amazing.  Now we can find out what sex the baby is as early as 15 weeks.  Who doesn't want this critical point in their lives to be punctuated by the ultrasound tech announcing, "There's his little pee-pee!"?  Unfortunately, sex determination from an ultrasound is only about 85-90% effective.  Apparently, the baby has to be in the exact right position because all their business parts just look like weird lumps.  

Sometimes the baby just doesn't appreciate the invasion of privacy.

I don't know how I'm going to tell people what the sex of my baby is.  I was thinking if it's a boy I could come out and hold him in the air with a stereo playing "The Circle of Life".  Of course if the first song my baby hears is by Elton John, I'd prefer it to be "Rocket Man".  Many people now have Gender Reveal Parties.  You could cut into a cake with pink or blue frosting in front of all your friends and family.  Or, you could flash the ultrasound picture of your baby's crotch on a TV and play "Guess the Dingus".  Trust me, your kid is probably going to resent your for stuff anyway, why not get your kicks too.

No matter what you have, be sure to take care of it and love it.  After all, they will be picking the flavor of gruel you get when you can no longer feed yourself.

Next time:

The Baby Room

The Horror...

In the classic Francis Ford Coppola (or as Nick Cage calls him "Unckie Franky") film "Apocalypse Now", Marlon Brando plays a renegade army colonel holed up in Cambodia.  He and his guerrillas use the neutral country to avoid the US military and wage their own war on sanity and human decency.

This is what your baby is now doing to you.

All 4D ultrasounds look a little like Colonel Kurtz.  Or maybe it's Swoosie Kurtz.

Ok, so people with brains the size of a pea can hardly be insane, or wage war for that matter.  It is more appropriate to say that the baby has arrived at your door with a very large amount of baggage.  Yes, everyone has excess luggage.  Unfortunately, when we're first born, we're so small our parents have to carry our bags for us.  So if you're planning on children, start the emotional weightlifting now.  Have your wife browbeat you for no reason.  Tell the doctor to wait an extra month before giving you the test results for that toothache you had.  Maybe suggest to your boss that they cut your pay indefinitely.  Whatever you can do to get your feelings constantly in flux, do it.  It might slightly help to prepare you for this baby stress.

At the second doctor's appointment you'll get to hear all the terrible things that could be wrong with your child.  They have screenings that can help determine if you're at higher risk for a variety of different genetic problems.  Your kid got too many chromosomes?  Not enough chromosomes?  Is your child's spine developing outside of it's body?  Want to know if your baby will eventually develop a life threatening disease that won't even be noticeable until they reach middle age?  Well we can tell you!

What they don't really tell you is that for most of these things there are really only two options.  Deal with it, or the other thing.....

It sucks. Suddenly you realize how little control you have. You're Martin Sheen and you're deep in the Cambodian jungle with a madman and a legion of his military trained and brainwashed followers.  So how do you slowly rise out of that jungle river and murder your fears with a giant bowie knife?

Didn't that guy coach the Mighty Ducks?

My first step was to just try to not think about it.  Cause that'll work.  It's like the first time you heard about the swine flu.  People were telling you how bad it would be, and how everyone was going to die.  You listened quietly keeping calm and collected, all the while thinking, "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh...."  Every time you developed a tickle in your throat you had to choke back a cough.  If you did cough or sneeze you knew it was time to write your will.  After a while you realize, the quickest way for you to get over it is by living life.  There's an old saying, "Hold on to bad thoughts too long and they turn to brown soup in your bowels.  Move on with your life and you'll poop true."  That's good advice for anyone.

It is also good to keep in mind the health of you and your spouse.  If you're young and healthy there's no reason to think your baby won't be fine.  If you make an omelette with expired eggs it may not turn out well.  However, if you use fresh eggs, you're not going to test it first or expect it to be bad, you'll just dig in.  Right?  (Seriously, that's not rhetorical, I'm not too sure about that analogy.)  

Of course there is always good old statistics to relieve your stress.  For instance, your chances of having  a baby with Spina Bifida is about the same as getting dealt a Royal Flush in poker.  Take it from someone who has played thousands of hands of poker: those are not good odds.  So really you've got an amazing chance at a winning baby, and a shit chance at the perfect poker hand.

The truly scary thing is that the fear will never leave.  You will always be worried about your child's health and happiness.  Really, that's good news.  This sort of empathy will prove you are not a cyborg.  It also means you are going to make a fine parent.  If you do not care about your child it is possible you are a cyborg built with synthetic memories to make you think you are human.  It is much more possible that you are a sociopath.  Why go through all the work of having a child if you don't give a damn about it?

So I guess there is no reason to be afraid of the giant ball of stress you've made for yourself.  You just have to live life and realize that bad things will happen, you just have to deal with them.  That's why I write.  It keeps my mind off worrying and on the happier things.  Plus it allows me to make an ass of myself in a hitherto unused media.  Lord knows I've embarrassed myself in just about every other way imaginable.

See....

Next Time:

Gender Bias

Cornelius Jasper McGillicuddy III

Your name is supposed to tell the world who you are and what you're all about.  For example, Andrew means "manly".  I suppose when I sprung forth into this world and immediately wrestled that bear, it was a pretty obvious sign what my name should be.  Personally, I would have named myself Big Daddy Phunk, but hindsight is 20/20.

Now, I'm burdened with the task of naming a child who enters this world with no identity.  Until three months ago this person never even existed.  Now I have to determine what they will be called all the way until their obituary reads:  "Xxxxxx died today at the age of 162 when their hover-bed flew out the window of their hover-hospital after it was accidentally run into by a hover-car attempting to park in the hover-parking garage."  (Man, the future is going to be sweet).  This is a lot of responsibility.  I can't very well name my kid Hunky Brungus and expect that he will lead a normal life.

So how do you pick a name for your child?

The most obvious way is to steal the name of someone you like.  This is why there are so many juniors out there.  Every man believes that he is the greatest person in the world.  I can't use junior because I don't want my wife to get mad when my son's 18 year-old girlfriend calls asking for Andy, and I "accidentally" think they are looking for me.  (Creepy).

Baby books are another good source for names.  Unfortunately, if you've ever been shopping with your wife while she's trying to decide between two eerily similar pairs of high heels, you know that throwing a list of 2,000 names in front of her means your child may or may not have a moniker by the time it can drive.

So here is what I did to whittle down the names of my progeny.

1. Throw out any names that are made up, or appear to be made up.  The telltale sign here is the inclusion of characters that are not letters.  L-A is not a name, it is a reverse alphabetical order for library books that comes after Z-M.  If you're looking for Suzanne Collins' "The Hunger Games", it's down that aisle. (Although I'm pretty sure ~ Swinton won an Academy Award for her work in "Michael Clayton".)
2. Remember, your child's name will not make them who they are.  Naming your kid Rocky will not make him tough and scrappy.  If anything it will make him a slow-witted, punchy, Italian greaseball who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
3. Just because a name you like is used by someone or something famous, it doesn't mean you should exclude it.  Kids are dumb, and they don't care about things that happened more than 4 months ago.  No one is going to go up to your daughter and say, "Hey Josie, where are the Pussycats?"  They're going to go up to her and say, "Hey Josie, you're a slut."  Actually, they probably won't even say it to her face.  They will just talk about her behind her back until she develops an eating disorder.  We're really raising them right.



Joseph?  Like Joseph Stalin?  No way is he playing American hero Bruce Willis.





When in doubt, classic is always better.  People avoid names now like Peter, Bruce, Anna Marie,  Clark, Diana, Barbara, Mindy, Jean, Scott, etc.  because they want their children to stand out of the crowd immediately.  Why?  If your child is truly exceptional their name won't matter.  Also, if you kid ever gets in trouble with the law, and they only know his name is Scott, there's no way they'll ever figure out who it is.  If your kid's name is Keikaku, and you don't live in Japan, the cops are at your door in 20 seconds.

So I guess that's pretty much it.  Don't make up names unless your want your kid to stand out for the wrong reasons.  Know that, if your child is going to be exceptional, it will be because they are, not because their name says they are.  Having you child share his or her name with someone or something isn't bad, as long as your are not intentionally naming them after something ridiculous (like any character from Twilight).  And stick with the classics.  I doubt anyone has ever said, "Can you believe he named his kid Steve?  Why not just tattoo 'Wedgie Me' on his neck?"

Hey, I just realized something.  All those nice, well-rounded, classic names I just listed are all fictional characters.  Not just any fictional characters, but characters your kid will probably love.  Peter (Spiderman), Bruce (Batman & Hulk), Anna Marie (Rogue), Clark (Superman & Griswold), Diana (Wonder Woman), Barbara (Batgirl), Mindy (Hit-Girl), Jean (Phoenix), Scott (Cyclops), and Steve (Captain America).  So there you have it.  Forgo the baby books, just give your wife a heap of your old comics and let her dig through.  She's bound to see something she likes.

Just don't take J'onn J'onzz.  That one is mine.

Next time:

Seriously, this is terrifying.

Pickles and Ice Cream

**Warning the following post diverts from my typical laid back, chummy, Mike Meyers-esque humor.  I get a little venomous about certain things, for essentially no reason.  Just thought I would point that out before I get a billion comments about how angry I seem.**

Last time I covered the first doctor visit.  Normally, at that visit, the doctor gives you a list of things your wife can, and cannot have to eat.  Most are fairly obvious:  Shellfish, non-shellfish-fish, raw egg, chicken sashimi, etc.  Some are not so obvious, like certain high sodium foods.  Basically if you shouldn't be eating it normally, chances are you definitely should not be eating it while you're pregnant.

The doctor also will probably tell you that a normal pregnant woman gains about 3 or 4 pounds a month.  Let's do that math.  3.5lbs x 9 months = 31.5lbs.  If the baby weighs 7lbs, that means you just gained 24.5lbs.  Not a crazy amount of weight by any means.  I've gained that over 4th of July weekend.  Your doctor just doesn't want you pigging-out everyday and blaming it on the little parasite.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people use the phase "Pet Peeve".  One of my other biggest pet peeves is when pregnant women say, "I'm eating for two now."  Granted, often it's a joke made simply to make light of the fact that a woman has just eaten an entire cheesecake.  Unfortunately, sometimes it is literally being used as an excuse.  Your baby, who is the size of an orange does not need a Big Mac extra value meal all to himself.  In fact, he does not need a Big Mac at all.

I am all for feeding your cravings.  I live by the food rule that if something sounds good, have it.  Why deny yourself something your entire life?  I'm not going to look back on my death bed and say, "Boy, I sure did eat too much Little Caesar's."  Well, I might if I die of a Little Caesar's related heart condition.  If a woman wants a milkshake or fries or even that Big Mac extra value meal they should indulge.  There are old wife's tales that say that if a woman denies her cravings for strawberries, the baby will be born with a strawberry birthmark.  I think if a woman denies herself a Big Mac, the lack of pink slime in her diet will cause her baby to come out looking like a vessel for Vigo the Carpathian.  But giving in to a craving is not the same as living a lifestyle.

At least "The Sorrow of Moldavia" is a pretty cool nickname.

And I'm not talking about being fat, or being skinny, or dieting.  I'm simply talking about trying.  Putting forth an effort not to die when you're 35.  While I'm no expert on nutrition, I know what's good for me and what's bad.  And though I may not always adhere to this, it is important to make an attempt.  It is even more important to do so when someone in your family is pregnant.

If someone in your house had heart disease, would you make them bacon five days a week?  If someone you loved was diabetic would you make fudge pies for dessert every night?  No.  Absolutely you would not.  And if you are enabling someone in this way, you need to stop.

While pregnancy only lasts nine months, normally healthy women can develop serious conditions that can negatively impact their health.  For example, pre-eclampsia is an onset of high blood pressure that can lead to eclampsia and complications for the baby.  Where would a normally healthy woman get high blood pressure?  Sodium is one way.  Sodium such as the ass-load you would find in a batch of fries that accompany that extra Big Mac you just fed your unborn child.  So not only should you be thinking about the crap going to the fetus, but also know that junk food may severely harm your wife who is now much more vulnerable to illness.

Basically, if you're a man and your wife is pregnant, take charge.  Learn to cook and make your wife some delicious and healthy dinners.  Don't enable by giving in to every crap food choice she wants.  Yeah she's pregnant and you love her, but if you really love her you want her to stay healthy.  If you sit back and watch your wife's blood pressure slowly build, you're not doing your job.  This is your chance to start protecting your family.

Ok, so some fast food, pizza, donuts, ice cream and pickles are alright sometimes, but just because you are pregnant doesn't mean you're trying out to be a competitive eater.  Indulge sometimes, but be mindful.

If you are a husband, take over making dinner and make them healthy.  Above all, keep your wife happy.  Don't forget, if she wants to pig out on BBQ pulled pork, you get to as well.

And never forget, keep away from the seafood.  For your health.

Next time:

Your Baby Names Suck!

Hey You. Get Your Damn Hands Off Her

I think I'll name my first son after Crispin 'George McFly' Glover 

No one likes going to the doctor.  For every life they save, at least two people leave missing a perfectly healthy appendage. Personally, anytime I go to someone's place of business and their first move is to ask me to disrobe, that's a red flag.

But, if you're a first time dad joining your partner to the OB/GYN, you should be excited. You want to be a dad right?  Well a little piss on a cardboard stick isn't exactly cutting edge technology. Leave it to the professionals.  And what better way to enjoy one of the most exciting and initiate moments of your life than under the glow of florescent lights surrounded by the smell of strong disinfectant.

Now the waiting room is terrifying at any doctor's office. This one is no different, but it is unique. Those perpetually pregnant moms with five kids you see haunting the aisles of K-mart, well apparently this is where they live. Whatever you do, do not make eye contact. Any badboy quality you had has all but evaporated as you are now a gentleman who takes his wife to the lady part doctor. Women who used to close the shutters and pull their kids off the street when they saw you coming, will now not only approach, but also openly engage you in conversation. This must be avoided.  Talking to a mother of 12 about her mucus plug is not the way you want your first real experience as a father to go.  Here is an effective and discreet solution.  Whenever one of these women makes eye contact, give a small shrug, motion toward your partner, and mouth, "V.D.".  There, you are no longer the concerned father, you're the creepy dude with the trampy wife.

Eventually, a girl will lead you back to the exam room.  As you progress you'll notice a change in decor.  In the waiting room the walls were lined with pictures of blonde cherub-y babies, and the occasional water color of a Victorian Age woman holding a parasol standing by a lake.  In the hall the walls are mostly bare, with the exception of the bulletin boards full of pictures of healthy toddlers that had, presumably, been delivered by the doctor you are about to see.  All very cute and cuddly, and in now way does it prepare you for what lies in the exam room.

Vaginas.  Lots of them.  The insides.  The outsides.  Lots of parts with names that rhyme with Seinfeld characters.  I imagine the suicide rate for people who work at vagina poster manufacturer is probably pretty high.  It's a little worrisome, all the pictures with labels on them.  It's kind of like walking into a dentist's office and seeing a lot of drawings of open mouths with arrows that say, "Teeth".  Do they really not know their way around down there?  Maybe it's for the male doctors.  Nothing like a good map when you're traveling to a foreign country.

So the excitement has built, and you're ready to hear for sure if you're going to be a dad.  Really what it amounts to is the doc's hands disappearing beneath a sheet and seconds later saying, "Yup you're pregnant.".  Seriously?  I could have done that.  It can't be that hard.  Just poke around a while until you feel a foot or a head.  That's why you have to do the classic "We're just really worried first time parents" routine and get yourself an early ultrasound.

Now you must understand, this is not free.  They don't just wheel around that fancy ultrasound that looks like a sex toy for free.  Yeah, turns out you can't do an ultrasound on the outside when the baby is the size of a fingernail.  They have to get up-close and personal.  God bless the women for putting up with this shit.  If I was a girl, the first time somebody told me about having a baby, I would have gotten my tubes tied.  I'm not pushing anything out of me bigger than a snickers bar.  And then, on top of actually giving birth, they have to deal with all these crazy bodily assaults beforehand.  Not least of all the conception.  But I digress.

If you do get an ultrasound, you will see a tiny dot of a baby.  You may see a flicker of the heartbeat (a very good sign).  You may even hear the heartbeat (even better).  What you do not want, is to see more than one heartbeat.  You've probably already resigned yourself to being poor for a long time, but if you're having multiples, you're going to be poor forever.  

It is around this time the doctor will tell your wife that she has to go to the lab for more tests.  So after intruding on her privates with hands and utensils, they now wish for some of some of her fluids for their collection.  All the developing baby pictures, cross-sectioned lady part pictures, probing, and fluid stealing really makes you feel like you're witnessing an actual alien abduction.  The only difference is the doctor isn't nice enough to wipe your memory before you get home.

So there you have it.  All the pretty little ducks of the Obstetrician in a neat row.  Don't be scared it's not bad, if you're the husband.

Next Time...

Nutrition