Cornelius Jasper McGillicuddy III

Your name is supposed to tell the world who you are and what you're all about.  For example, Andrew means "manly".  I suppose when I sprung forth into this world and immediately wrestled that bear, it was a pretty obvious sign what my name should be.  Personally, I would have named myself Big Daddy Phunk, but hindsight is 20/20.

Now, I'm burdened with the task of naming a child who enters this world with no identity.  Until three months ago this person never even existed.  Now I have to determine what they will be called all the way until their obituary reads:  "Xxxxxx died today at the age of 162 when their hover-bed flew out the window of their hover-hospital after it was accidentally run into by a hover-car attempting to park in the hover-parking garage."  (Man, the future is going to be sweet).  This is a lot of responsibility.  I can't very well name my kid Hunky Brungus and expect that he will lead a normal life.

So how do you pick a name for your child?

The most obvious way is to steal the name of someone you like.  This is why there are so many juniors out there.  Every man believes that he is the greatest person in the world.  I can't use junior because I don't want my wife to get mad when my son's 18 year-old girlfriend calls asking for Andy, and I "accidentally" think they are looking for me.  (Creepy).

Baby books are another good source for names.  Unfortunately, if you've ever been shopping with your wife while she's trying to decide between two eerily similar pairs of high heels, you know that throwing a list of 2,000 names in front of her means your child may or may not have a moniker by the time it can drive.

So here is what I did to whittle down the names of my progeny.

1. Throw out any names that are made up, or appear to be made up.  The telltale sign here is the inclusion of characters that are not letters.  L-A is not a name, it is a reverse alphabetical order for library books that comes after Z-M.  If you're looking for Suzanne Collins' "The Hunger Games", it's down that aisle. (Although I'm pretty sure ~ Swinton won an Academy Award for her work in "Michael Clayton".)
2. Remember, your child's name will not make them who they are.  Naming your kid Rocky will not make him tough and scrappy.  If anything it will make him a slow-witted, punchy, Italian greaseball who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
3. Just because a name you like is used by someone or something famous, it doesn't mean you should exclude it.  Kids are dumb, and they don't care about things that happened more than 4 months ago.  No one is going to go up to your daughter and say, "Hey Josie, where are the Pussycats?"  They're going to go up to her and say, "Hey Josie, you're a slut."  Actually, they probably won't even say it to her face.  They will just talk about her behind her back until she develops an eating disorder.  We're really raising them right.



Joseph?  Like Joseph Stalin?  No way is he playing American hero Bruce Willis.





When in doubt, classic is always better.  People avoid names now like Peter, Bruce, Anna Marie,  Clark, Diana, Barbara, Mindy, Jean, Scott, etc.  because they want their children to stand out of the crowd immediately.  Why?  If your child is truly exceptional their name won't matter.  Also, if you kid ever gets in trouble with the law, and they only know his name is Scott, there's no way they'll ever figure out who it is.  If your kid's name is Keikaku, and you don't live in Japan, the cops are at your door in 20 seconds.

So I guess that's pretty much it.  Don't make up names unless your want your kid to stand out for the wrong reasons.  Know that, if your child is going to be exceptional, it will be because they are, not because their name says they are.  Having you child share his or her name with someone or something isn't bad, as long as your are not intentionally naming them after something ridiculous (like any character from Twilight).  And stick with the classics.  I doubt anyone has ever said, "Can you believe he named his kid Steve?  Why not just tattoo 'Wedgie Me' on his neck?"

Hey, I just realized something.  All those nice, well-rounded, classic names I just listed are all fictional characters.  Not just any fictional characters, but characters your kid will probably love.  Peter (Spiderman), Bruce (Batman & Hulk), Anna Marie (Rogue), Clark (Superman & Griswold), Diana (Wonder Woman), Barbara (Batgirl), Mindy (Hit-Girl), Jean (Phoenix), Scott (Cyclops), and Steve (Captain America).  So there you have it.  Forgo the baby books, just give your wife a heap of your old comics and let her dig through.  She's bound to see something she likes.

Just don't take J'onn J'onzz.  That one is mine.

Next time:

Seriously, this is terrifying.