I think I'll name my first son after Crispin 'George McFly' Glover
No one likes going to the doctor. For every life they save, at least two people leave missing a perfectly healthy appendage. Personally, anytime I go to someone's place of business and their first move is to ask me to disrobe, that's a red flag.
But, if you're a first time dad joining your partner to the OB/GYN, you should be excited. You want to be a dad right? Well a little piss on a cardboard stick isn't exactly cutting edge technology. Leave it to the professionals. And what better way to enjoy one of the most exciting and initiate moments of your life than under the glow of florescent lights surrounded by the smell of strong disinfectant.
Now the waiting room is terrifying at any doctor's office. This one is no different, but it is unique. Those perpetually pregnant moms with five kids you see haunting the aisles of K-mart, well apparently this is where they live. Whatever you do, do not make eye contact. Any badboy quality you had has all but evaporated as you are now a gentleman who takes his wife to the lady part doctor. Women who used to close the shutters and pull their kids off the street when they saw you coming, will now not only approach, but also openly engage you in conversation. This must be avoided. Talking to a mother of 12 about her mucus plug is not the way you want your first real experience as a father to go. Here is an effective and discreet solution. Whenever one of these women makes eye contact, give a small shrug, motion toward your partner, and mouth, "V.D.". There, you are no longer the concerned father, you're the creepy dude with the trampy wife.
Eventually, a girl will lead you back to the exam room. As you progress you'll notice a change in decor. In the waiting room the walls were lined with pictures of blonde cherub-y babies, and the occasional water color of a Victorian Age woman holding a parasol standing by a lake. In the hall the walls are mostly bare, with the exception of the bulletin boards full of pictures of healthy toddlers that had, presumably, been delivered by the doctor you are about to see. All very cute and cuddly, and in now way does it prepare you for what lies in the exam room.
Vaginas. Lots of them. The insides. The outsides. Lots of parts with names that rhyme with Seinfeld characters. I imagine the suicide rate for people who work at vagina poster manufacturer is probably pretty high. It's a little worrisome, all the pictures with labels on them. It's kind of like walking into a dentist's office and seeing a lot of drawings of open mouths with arrows that say, "Teeth". Do they really not know their way around down there? Maybe it's for the male doctors. Nothing like a good map when you're traveling to a foreign country.
So the excitement has built, and you're ready to hear for sure if you're going to be a dad. Really what it amounts to is the doc's hands disappearing beneath a sheet and seconds later saying, "Yup you're pregnant.". Seriously? I could have done that. It can't be that hard. Just poke around a while until you feel a foot or a head. That's why you have to do the classic "We're just really worried first time parents" routine and get yourself an early ultrasound.
Now you must understand, this is not free. They don't just wheel around that fancy ultrasound that looks like a sex toy for free. Yeah, turns out you can't do an ultrasound on the outside when the baby is the size of a fingernail. They have to get up-close and personal. God bless the women for putting up with this shit. If I was a girl, the first time somebody told me about having a baby, I would have gotten my tubes tied. I'm not pushing anything out of me bigger than a snickers bar. And then, on top of actually giving birth, they have to deal with all these crazy bodily assaults beforehand. Not least of all the conception. But I digress.
If you do get an ultrasound, you will see a tiny dot of a baby. You may see a flicker of the heartbeat (a very good sign). You may even hear the heartbeat (even better). What you do not want, is to see more than one heartbeat. You've probably already resigned yourself to being poor for a long time, but if you're having multiples, you're going to be poor forever.
It is around this time the doctor will tell your wife that she has to go to the lab for more tests. So after intruding on her privates with hands and utensils, they now wish for some of some of her fluids for their collection. All the developing baby pictures, cross-sectioned lady part pictures, probing, and fluid stealing really makes you feel like you're witnessing an actual alien abduction. The only difference is the doctor isn't nice enough to wipe your memory before you get home.
So there you have it. All the pretty little ducks of the Obstetrician in a neat row. Don't be scared it's not bad, if you're the husband.
Next Time...
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