I get the whole team aspect. Honestly, if there's one thing kids need, especially in this day and age, it's to learn to work well with others. Unfortunately, at younger and younger ages, the importance of teamwork is almost zero, and the importance of winning and losing is pretty much 100%. Even in leagues that are "just for fun" less talented kids are played less often than the naturally athletic kids. As they grow up, it gets even worse. So I've decided to go through various sports and explain which are terrible choices for your kid. (Hint: All of them are).
Baseball - Honestly, this might be the worst offender. First of all, it is the easiest for your kid to be completely forgotten. It requires a fair amount of coordination for a kid to catch, throw, and hit a small ball. If your kid can't do one of these things, you better have a good pair of tweezers because you'll be pulling a lot of splinters out of his ass. Not only that, but it's also a terrible sport for bat-shit crazy parents. Little League umps live in constant fear for their lives. There's not much I hate more than an parent who acts more like a child than the actual child. Also, I don't know that I could restrain myself from punching-out a self-righteous, entitled baseball Dad. Many people also don't realize baseball is quite dangerous. A local infielder suffered a severe head injury a few years ago. More recently, another teen died at school after being hit in the chest by a softball during gym. I know, lets put eight year-olds out there who barely have the coordination to catch, and hit line-drives at their face. And I haven't even scratched the surface with all the potential leg and shoulder injuries. Plus, yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwnnnnnnn. Baseball is a friggin' snoozefest.
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| "Daddy I don't get it. In the Walter Hill film "The Warriors", what were those guys with the face paint and wooden sticks supposed to be dressed up as?" - My 5 year-old son. |
Football - This has all the same problems as baseball: Pine-riding, dangerous, terrible parents, etc. The difference is, it's even easier for you kid to get lost in the shuffle. Your town probably only has one youth football team. Which means the roster might have fifty kids. If your kid stinks, he's going to be doing a lot of cheering for his teammates. The other bad thing is, football is way more expensive. I'm not sure how much equipment the kid has to buy, but it's more than baseball and more expensive too. And if you're pushing your kid to play football so they can be a famous athlete and support you, I hope you are comfortable with living with the fact that you caused them permanent brain damage. There's lots of evidence for it. Here for example. At a certain age, they have to be allowed to choose for themselves, but why would you force them to do it as a child?
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| This is your brain. This is your brain on Football. I SAID....THIS....IS....YOUR.....oh never mind, just go back to counting your money. |
Basketball - I don't have a lot of problems with youth basketball. It's relatively safe, and there aren't quite as many fanatic parents. Most kids are absolutely terrible at young ages, so they get everyone involved. However, this is part of the problem. Watching younger kids trying to shoot a basketball is like trying to thread a needle while drunk. So much anxiety, so little Xanax. Also, basketball at higher levels becomes one of the most difficult to stay involved with. Small rosters make it difficult to continue playing for less talented kids who love the game.
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| I just happened across this picture. Then I noticed the joke. Hilarious / Terrifying. |
Soccer - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Seriously though, you are supposed to stop your kids from making terrible life decisions, not encourage them to do so.
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| Sorry, I meant: ever since you joined that youth FOOTBALL hooligan league you've been such a dick. |
Track/Cross Country - I'm not too sure what age this starts. I remember doing the 50 yard dash in school at a very young age, but as far as formal races who knows. What I do know is that for some reason running has become one of the most popular pass-times in our country. What I can't figure out is: what the hell is wrong with people? "Did you see how fast I got from point A to point B? I'm pretty rad." Nobody cares. Seriously. Nobody. I can't figure out why you even care. All sports are pointless when it comes down to it. They help teach us how to interact with others, take orders, develop as a person, but the main goal is an achievement that means literally nothing out of context (My little league team was the best in the league one year, we only lost two games. Do you care?). Running doesn't even have those other lessons. Running is simply a way to earn bragging rights. Oh, I ran x miles in x minutes. Ok, great, I ate three Snickers in five minutes. We're both winners! And if you're going to tell me that growing as a runner develops self-discipline, I'd tell you that there are many equally valid, less sweaty ways to do the same: Avoiding food you know is bad; cutting out pop; cutting out swearing; doing something to grow mentally like reading; getting involved in literally any other sport (yes, even soccer). And if you tell me you love to run, I will look you in the face and call you a liar. Walkers for life.
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| At least this guy has a pretty good reason. |
Hockey - See Football then multiply by a billion.
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| 'Nuff Said |
Martial Arts - So I guess this is kind of a pseudo-sport. It is athletic, and many kids get involved at a very young age. The best parts about it are that it teaches self-discipline and respect. And since it is an individual sport, your child is always involved. There is typically very little physical contact at younger ages, which means much fewer injuries than you would expect. Unfortunately it is awfully expensive. Unless you're lucky enough to have a YMCA or similar intramural gym that offers cheap or free classes, most studios charge an arm and a (sweep the) leg to get involved. However, every child could benefit from some self-defense training. Schools aren't getting any safer. Plus, knowing how to defend against an abduction is never a bad skill for a child. I'm all for practical skills. Just know that making enrollment in martial arts public knowledge may open the floodgates for even more bullying at school. The kid doing sloppy sidekicks at the bus-stop isn't exactly killing it in the friend department.
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| I'm fairly certain the sewer-dwelling Chicago Uber-hipsters have made this man their king. |
I'm so torn. Philosophically I hate sports; in actuality I enjoy most of them. However my main point is there are many other much more practical aspects of life that children can be encouraged to pursue. Oh I don't know, gaining knowledge about the world, for example. I believe participating to some degree in a sport is an important part of individual development, but I'd prefer not to have my child gravely injured, or even subjected to listening to a profanity-laden tirade from a moronic parent. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those "We're all winners!" people. The most important and maybe harshest lesson a child must learn is that winning and losing are a part of life. I just feel like there has to be a more constructive environment to teach this lesson. An environment not sullied by hostility, unfairness, injury, and emphasis on the superfluous. And hell, if my kid wants a Superbowl ring, I'll just drop by a pawn shop.
Next Time:
All Inked Up
