6 Movies to Avoid While You're Expecting

Airlines decided long ago that it was not appropriate to show movies such as "Final Destination, "Flight", "Flight 93", "Flightplan", or pretty much any film with the word flight included in it.  Apparently watching planes go down in flames while soaring at 16000 feet can put people a little on edge.  I'm a firm believer that you should follow this same rule when it comes to pregnancy.  Your kid might not turn out like Macaulay Culkin if you watch "The Good Son", but it certainly won't help you sleep over the coming months.

Before I get started on the actual list here's a number of honorable mentions that just seemed too easy to include.
"It"  the Stephen King miniseries.  OK, so the kids in this movie weren't the problem, but they attracted the attention of a vicious clown-monster who psychologically destroyed children before he eviscerated them.  Not a pretty picture for a parent-to-be.
"Pet Semetary" - Kid hit by truck.  Kid reborn as a bloodthirsty monster.  Enough said.
"Children of the Corn" -  Again Stephen King proves that children are not to be trusted.  Especially if they fall under the guise of a demon who lives in a cornfield.
"Species" - This is more for the men, pre-pregnancy.  How do you know your wife isn't just a crazy alien looking to get knocked-up and then give you the old praying mantis treatment?
"The Omen" - Hell, if a guy like Gregory Peck is spawning the Anti-Christ, who knows what my kids will come out like.
"Slither" - Creepy weird pseudo-sexual parasite impregnation, although coupled with hilarious hijinks from Nathan Fillion.
"The Shining" - Let's see, a child with supernatural powers which make him a target for menacing ghosts, creepy twins, and a psychotic father bent on killing his entire family.  Happy times.

I hate doing this, but there are SPOILERS below.  If you haven't seen any of these films you may want to watch out.  Most of them are fairly old by now, but I just want to be fair.

#6 - Rosemary's Baby

So this one is pretty obvious too (horror movie, satan baby), but it just HAD to make the list.  This movie is so wrong, in so many ways.  Once or twice a decade a horror movie is made that surpasses the confines of the genre.  "Rosemary's Baby" is very well crafted and stands completely on its own as a great film.  Then you throw in the whole "carrying the spawn of Satan" plot and the movie just flies out of this world.

For a pregnant mother, this movie would cause a lifetime's worth of nightmares.  I'm not just talking about the number one most obvious thing.  What I found most disturbing (and I'm not a pregnant woman) was the conspiracy aspect of it.  This mother, at her most vulnerable, when she should be most excited, is being conned by every single person she knows.  Her neighbors, her doctor, and even her husband use her against her will to make their dark dreams come true.  Plus she drinks alcohol at least twice during the movie!  GASP!

Polish movie posters are AWESOME!

Another scary thing about this movie, and "The Omen" can be included in this as well, is that these monster-babies need to have names.  Although the chances are small, it is always possible that you have a name picked out which happens to be the same one used for the most evil child ever conceived. For instance, Rosemary wanted to name her baby Andy if it was a boy.  No wonder the other kids never wanted to play with me at recess.  Luckily, the coven decided Andy was too lame for a hell-spawn and named him Adrian instead.

Finally, there's what I call the first trimester factor.  Your wife will be the most ill in the first trimester, so seeing things that are unsettling or gross may not go over well.  For this movie, unsettling and gross would come in the form of about a dozen naked octogenarians.  I was not aware breasts could double as knee pads.


#5 - Garbage Pail Kids

Where to begin.

I think I take issue with the fact that the creatures in this movie are referred to as "Kids".  These things are kids in the same regard that Cerberus is a puppy.  If you imagine, even for a second, that one of these bastardized genetic experiments could be an actual child, your mind will be blown into oblivion.

This is somehow less terrifying than the original Garbage Pail Kids

This movie also carries with it the weight of the ruined names.  After seeing GPK for the first time, Valerie is forever linked with Valerie Vomit.  These sorts of nicknames are supposed to be made up by other children on a playground, not ingrained in a child from the womb.

OK, I'll play devil's advocate and say maybe you won't give birth to a Garbage Pail Kid (I think the rate is around 1 in every 10,000 births).  There's still always the chance your kid will be the normal one who hangs out with this gang of freaks.  That would somehow be so much worse:  You raise a completely normal, well-adjusted child, who for some reason feels the need to learn life lessons from a bunch of space babies who look like cabbage patch kids that were grown on the fertile ground near Chernobyl.

This movie is all about the first trimester factor.  There is a chance you can make it though on a good day without getting sick to your stomach.  But if you're pregnant, and have even the slightest hint of morning sickness, you'll be chewing back spew through the whole flick.

#4 - Ghostbusters 2

If you know me, even a little bit, then you know I love both "Ghostbusters" movies.  I truly can't find a single flaw with either film.   They are the pinnacle of modern American cinema.

So why would I put "Ghostbusters 2" on my banned movies list for the pregnancy months?  I think it has to do with my fear that a magic Carpathian king will somehow try and steal my baby in order to use him as a vessel for rebirth that he might conquer the world and usher in a new era of pain and hardship. Of course, this illogical fear may have actually stemmed from watching this movie in the first place.  Chicken or the egg.

I always wondered if the baby would have Vigo's face after the ritual had taken place.  Seriously, that might be the deal breaker.  Maybe I could stick around and raise a kid who would turn out to be a total jerk as an adult, but if I had to look at that creepy face plastered on a little kid's body for years I might just go insane.  It would be like living inside of an Aphex Twin video.

Uh, maybe I should put Aphex Twin videos on the Avoid list too.

The nice thing about "Ghostbusters 2" is the fact that there is no first trimester factor.  The grossest thing you'll see in this movie is Annie Potts kissing Rick Moranis.

#3 - Alien

This movie could have easily been number one.  The entire thing is just a weird, thinly veiled attempt and violating and emasculating anyone who watches it.  Let me just spell it out for you.

Alien - Walking Dong
Face-Hugger - Vagina Monster
Chestburster - Birth

The whole movie is about a guy being mounted by a creature who forcibly impregnates him, the penis baby then burst out of his chest (probably painful) and kills everyone else on the ship.  THIS is the movie we should be showing kids in health class.  "Children there is a 25% chance unprotected sex could lead to pregnancy, 5% that it could lead to an STD, and 78% that it will lead to an alien jumping out of your body and slaughtering everyone else on your spaceship."

Get me some damn ice chips!

The first trimester factor for this one is crazy bad.  Everything is greasy, grimy, phallic, bloody and just generally disgusting.  Please don't watch it during pregnancy.  Watch "Aliens" instead.

#2 - Labyrinth

There are plenty of "babysitter ruins the family" movies, but none quite so disturbing as the half-sister who gives her baby brother away to a gang of music loving goblins led by the iconic David Bowie.  It's supposed to be a movie for teenagers or older kids, but it's really quite terrifying.

First of all, what does a middle-aged goblin king want with a baby?  I'm hoping he just wants to raise him to be some sort of goblin heir, but something tells me that's not the case.  Goblins tend to eat babies.  No matter how jovial and fun these goblins seem they all have a taste for baby meat.

The movie doesn't become less terrifying if you've got older kids either.  There's nothing stopping the oldest from saying a few magic words and shipping the young ones off to live with the goblins.  Plus, if you've got a teenage daughter, you're already worried about boys showing up at your door.  Now you also have to worry about the middle-aged bisexual rulers of the outlying monster kingdoms.

Of all the reasons that this movie is disturbing to a parent, there is one part that has stuck with me my entire life.  Check out this video at about 1:20.

You've never seen this shit on Sesame Street

Nothing is more disturbing to me than seeing something moving in a crib and knowing it's not a baby.  Couple that with the weirdo things poking their heads in and some brit flying in the window and playing with his balls, and you've got a recipe for nightmares.

There is no fist trimester factor for this one.  The bog of eternal stench is a little gross, but luckily smell-o-vision has yet to be created.

#1 - Klown The Movie

Before I go any further, I am recommending that NO ONE watch this film.  I found it quite funny, but I can't at all recommend this movie to anyone because I guarantee 100% that you will be offended and I don't want that coming back to bite me in the ass.  

I wanted to include a coming-of-age film in this group because most of them are terrifying reminders that our children will grow up and become adults, and as they do so they will probably take part in disturbing and offensive behavior that we would rather not know about.  This movie is the perfect example of this.

It is the story of a boy, his future uncle, and his uncle's friend taking a canoe trip (A gentleman's intermission to an exclusive brothel).  The three of them get involved in some horrible and disturbingly hilariously situations.  And in the process, the boy becomes a man (in the Bar Mitzvah sense, not the doing it sense).

Looks can be, and often are, deceiving.

Honestly, I don't even know how they got permission for the kid to be in this movie.  Either they bought him from an orphanage specifically for this or his parents are just crazy liberal Danes, which essentially means they don't care about anything.  

There's no gross-out first trimester factor moments, but I promise your wife will be offended regardless of stage of the pregnancy.  I was disturbed, and I am pretty unflappable.

Yes, there are a lot more movies to avoid while you're expecting, and even after.  I suppose if you wanted to see a heartwarming movie you could always stick with Disney.  You could watch "Bambi" (Dead parents), "The Lion King" (Dead dad), "Peter Pan" (Gang of orphans), Cinderella (Wicked Step-family).  Nope, that's no good either.  Just shut off the TV and sit in silence.  Movies will ruin you.

Next Time:

The Registry (for real this time)

Old MacDonald Can Blow It Out His Ass

We all know the songs:  "Old MacDonald", "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", "Wheels on the Bus", "Fat Smelly Hobo", etc.  And frankly, they all blow. There is nothing pleasing about listening to a song that will be stuck in your brain until the apocalypse.  I can remember being about 8 and hearing Rafi performing on PBS.  Even at that age I thought a person would have to be partially brain-dead to think that was entertainment.  Unfortunately, it's not entirely appropriate for your toddler to listen to Nine Inch Nails, so you've got to try and find a solution. Luckily, there are some things you can do.

First of all, you can suck it up and let the kid listen to whatever you listen to.  I grew up listening to the Beatles on golden oldies radio.  Trust me, you don't realize that "Yellow Submarine" or "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" are about drugs until you're at least 10.  That's plenty of time for your offspring to enjoy listening to well constructed and entertaining music without being corrupted.

Really, how much can a tiny baby take away from music written in a language they don't even understand?  If a baby listens to some Pink Floyd and happens to hear, in a slightly distorted and frightening tone, the lyric "One of these days I'm going to cut you into little pieces" how much damage can it really do?  If Jr could even understand the lyrics, it would probably be smart enough to understand that the song is not directed toward them.  For what it's worth, I think babies would totally be into some Bad Brains.

There's nothing children love more than gangly rastafari playing punk rock music.

Maybe you're one of those modern coddling hipster loser type parents, and you're thinking that a band with a song called "Fearless Vampire Killers" might be inappropriate for a child (A punk rock song named after a movie directed by a probable pedophile could be seen as a poor choice for a child).  I just want you to know, you're what's wrong with America.  Also, you have other options.  

Some credible bands have actually done their own children's albums.  Well, when I say credible, I mean that in the sense that any band who's music was featured on "Tiny Toon Adventures" can be considered credible.  They Might Be Giants is a band that most people in their 30's only remember from the song "Particle Man".  Really anyone who listened to TMBG could have seen their children's music transition coming.  "Your Racist Friend" is essentially the anthem of the 21st century toddler.

Another former band firing themselves in the Baby Beluga kiln is Devo.  They've gone so far as to rename themselves Devo 2.0.  Really it was the next logical step.  Original Devo fans were essentially just toddlers who knew calculus and could actually afford the Star Wars toys they sought after.  

Personally I wish Danny Elfman would get Oingo Boingo back together to do a children's album.  He's already done so many kid friendly movies, why not reform the talented crew who performed "Little Girls" and make another song called "Little Boys".  OK, there might be too much of a pervert vibe from a song like that, but it's got a groove I can dance to.

Currently, I"m really digging on the Rockabye Baby! albums.  This is one of those ideas that you wish you had though of.  What is boils down to is someone took the music from a bunch of famous artists (The Cure, Led Zeppelin, Queen, Rush, The Smiths, AC/DC, Pink Floyd, Bjork, Metallica, The Smashing Pumpkins) and rerecorded them as lullabies.  They are quite soothing, and retain much of the musical integrity of the original songs you love.  Take a listen.

If you know the lyrics, I would suggest not singing along.

I really can't wait to play some of this music for my kid.  Outside of the classic baby milestones there are few I am really looking forward to:  Teaching my kid who Batman is, explaining the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and Schrodinger's Cat, and introducing my kid to the wide world of music.  Seriously folks, if we as parents don't take this obligation on ourselves, our kid will pick it up on the streets and end up listening to the musical stylings of Carly Rae Jepsen!  Gasp!

So, if none of this works for you I do have one final solution (whoops too soon).  If you're at all musically inclined, start your own damn kids band.  How hard can it be?  Slide whistle, kazoo, nonsensical repetitive lyrics, mix it into a bright colorful bucket of goup and the kids will eat it up.  It could be so easy.  You only have to write songs in the key of C (children are physically unable to hear music in any other key).  I even wrote the words to your first song.  They are simply: "Pooping is easy" repeat 28x.  

Maybe you think children's music is too pandering.  Your kid has refined tastes.  They want to hear something in the mixolydian scale in 7/8 time.  The easy solution would be to have them listen to Frank Zappa, but Zappa might be too overtly sexual for a six month-old.  You could always strive to be the most creative and indie children's band ever created.  From what I've seen though, that doesn't work.

Seriously, if you don't watch Portlandia, you probably aren't in my demographic.

I guess I'm going to stick with a combination of adult music that is appropriate, and the Rockabye Baby! stuff.  When the kid starts to reach the age that they can understand the music, I'll probably throw in some They Might Be Giants ("Here Comes Science" sounds like it may have been written just for my kid).  We have to remember a large part of parenting is discerning what is and what is not appropriate for our children to be involved with.  There is plenty of good music out there, for adults and children alike, that is enjoyable.  But remember even if the song is appropriate for a child, the band name may not be.

Daddy what's a "Pornographer"?

I'd like to take a quick moment to thank those of you who actually read these posts.  I've gotten quite a bit more traffic than I expected, and the pace has been quite steady.  Those of you who read all my posts or have shared them, I really appreciate it.  I would also like to point out that the support makes it harder to be cynical and sarcastic, so please go away.  You're ruining my vibe.

Next Time

The Registry Labyrinth