Afterbirth Marks

I have three tattoos.  The first is a robotic crab. Strange I know, but my I wanted a tattoo and had no idea what to get so I had my roommate in college design me one (Yes his was and is a good artist, he also designed his own tattoos).  There's no significance to it other than I like it and it serves as a reminder of that time in my life.  The second is a cross that I got by pointing to a picture on a wall in a tattoo parlor (Not a great way to choose a tattoo by the way).  Again not a huge amount of significance other than the reminder of that day, which was pretty fun.  The third, my most recent, was done by a local artist with a lot of talent.  It's an android (Replicant) from the cover of one of my favorite books "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" which was adapted into one of my favorite movies "Blade Runner" (Yes if you're keeping track, that's two robot tattoos.  I win.).  The android actually has a lot of significance, even outside of the fact it represents two things I really like, it represents the only real nickname I ever had.  Andrew, Android, Droid, you get the picture.  Nearly 30 year-old me still gets called Droid at least once at every family function, and yes I actually like it.

So where am I heading with this?  Damn, you people are impatient.  I'm getting to the point.  Quit interrupting.

First of all, tattoos are amazingly popular now.  I was about to say, "Finally society has accepted this as a normal form of self-expression", but it would be more appropriate to say, "Finally our Puritanical society has gotten over itself and allowed people to do freely with their own bodies without as much fear of being ostracized."  Part of this probably has to do with the fact that most unwanted tattoos can be removed now with more and more effective and less expensive treatments.  Also, badly done tattoos can easily be covered up with another job.  Most of the people I know have tattoos.  Some like me are mostly covered unless they wear certain clothing, others have theirs hanging out where everyone can see.

Well it's not written in reverse, so apparently it's not meant to be a daily reminder to himself when he looks in the mirror.

The thing is, every parent with tattoos is going to have to have the dreaded "Talk" with their kid at some point.  I imagine at the age of three or four your child will ask, "Why does Daddy have cartoons drawn on his arm?"  And for as difficult as it can be to discuss or justify* your tattoos to other adults, it is much more difficult to explain them to your children.  This is mainly because your kid is going to want to get one as soon as possible.

Why don't we let kids get tattoos?  Because kids are dumb you dummy.  I mean, the 4 year-old me would have gotten a tattoo of something stupid like a robot or something.  Man, what would people think of me then?  Obviously, the real reason is the stretching.  Even the most rad tattoo by Dmitriy Samohin would look stupid by the time a kid reaches high school.  And if there's one thing kids in high school target, it's other kids with crappy tats.

Who am I kidding, even stretched out this would still look rad.

I keep thinking that my son will inevitably get a tattoo simply because I have them, just like a kid who is around a parent that smokes all the time is much more likely to start smoking.  Kids just do what they see.  Then I started thinking, all kids are obsessed with tattoos.  Why do you think they put temporary tattoos in cereal boxes and vending machines?  Kids kids love color and images and self-expression.

This led me to another thought: Maybe it's not kids that are the issue.  Maybe as adults we get so uptight that we start to hate things simply because society tells us to.  If we teach our kids responsibility they can grow up to make responsible decisions on their own.  Teaching our kids about tattoos is just something adults have to do.

In reality tattoos are like gremlins, they have rules (One of the actual rules is to not get them wet, at least not soaking, but that's another story.  They also multiply, but not by getting them wet).  Don't get a tattoo of a real person's face.  I know it's tempting, but one slip of the needle and your favorite grandparent looks like the crypt keeper.  I get that people often do this in remembrance of a loved one, but you don't want your tattoo looking like they did at the wake instead of when they were alive.

Case in point: tattoo of a wife who died shortly after their wedding.  I honestly felt bad for this guy.  Glad he got it fixed.

It is important to wait until you're old enough to understand all the consequences.  Your tastes will change as you get older, so getting a tattoo as a teenager is probably not a great idea.  You may not regret getting a TMNT tattoo, but you may regret getting a red bandanna tattooed across your face.  If it's truly something you love, you'll still enjoy it as you grow older, so waiting to get it done won't be an issue.  Plus, when you're older you will be more responsible which will help prevent you from getting something silly in a place where it could negatively impact your life.  While you may love your tattoos, employers and prospective dates may not feel the same way.

You also have to find a artist that you love.  Picking up some disgusting person off the street is going to lead down a bad road.  If you don't find someone special you're just asking to get involved in a situation that leads to disappointment.  A tattoo is something that you live with forever and tossing out a ten spot just to get it over with is not a great idea.  Find an artist.  Develop a relationship.  Luckily we live in a day and age where many tattoo artists take their jobs very seriously and they truly want their work to be amazing and original.  They understand that you have to live with this, and they will do what they can to make it one of a kind.  Picking a name out of a phonebook will only lead to something bad, like hepatitis.  Luckily most of good artist put hygiene as a top priority.  Infected tattoos get ruined and put a bad image out there, and customers with diseases don't come back for a second piece.

So there's that.

As far as picking out a tattoo it's all up to you.  One note though: Tribal is bad.  There's not much to say about it.  Most artists worth their salt will laugh you out the door if you ask for a tribal tattoo.  But again, I don't give a shit.  It's your body, do what you will.  I've got two friggin' robot tattoos.  TWO!  Really it doesn't matter.  Be yourself.  It's your body, get a tattoo because you like it, not because it will impress someone else.  Obviously if you're married, you don't want to get something your spouse will hate.  That's just being respectful.  Plus the couch is lumpy.

So really when it comes to your kids, it is just a matter of education.  It is our job to teach them that doing things like this comes with age and responsibility.  Plus, it might seem like a lot of fun, but tattoos can friggin' hurt too.  I'll probably just bypass this whole conversation though and just give my kid the response Mr. Teavee gave Mike Teavee in "Willie Wonka":

"Not till you're 12 son."

I can't decide if this is terrifying, or if I love it.

*I use this word with much hesitance.  I don't think it's anyone else's business what you do with your body.  Asking someone why they got a certain tattoo is a very un-inked thing to do.  People have their own reasons to do the things they do and they don't need to be validated by others.  This is why I often cover my tattoos.  I got them because I enjoy them, not because I want them to create some sort of buzz with the people who see them.

Sports Unenthusiast

No matter who you are, raising a child will inevitably lead you to the all-powerful sports complex at some point.  I personally am not much of a sports guy.  I enjoy watching certain sports, especially football, but I'd crap a monkey if I thought anyone had ever used the word "athletic" to describe me (typically lumpy mashed potatoes on top of two toothpicks is considered the most unathletic thing imaginable).  My kid will probably have the same body type, so growing up to be the next Derek Jeter is most likely a no-go.  Not only that, but so many sports are just so, well, dumb.

I get the whole team aspect.  Honestly, if there's one thing kids need, especially in this day and age, it's to learn to work well with others.  Unfortunately, at younger and younger ages, the importance of teamwork is almost zero, and the importance of winning and losing is pretty much 100%.  Even in leagues that are "just for fun" less talented kids are played less often than the naturally athletic kids.  As they grow up, it gets even worse.  So I've decided to go through various sports and explain which are terrible choices for your kid.  (Hint: All of them are).

Baseball - Honestly, this might be the worst offender.  First of all, it is the easiest for your kid to be completely forgotten.  It requires a fair amount of coordination for a kid to catch, throw, and hit a small ball.  If your kid can't do one of these things, you better have a good pair of tweezers because you'll be pulling a lot of splinters out of his ass.  Not only that, but it's also a terrible sport for bat-shit crazy parents.  Little League umps live in constant fear for their lives.  There's not much I hate more than an parent who acts more like a child than the actual child.  Also, I don't know that I could restrain myself from punching-out a self-righteous, entitled baseball Dad.  Many people also don't realize baseball is quite dangerous.  A local infielder suffered a severe head injury a few years ago.  More recently, another teen died at school after being hit in the chest by a softball during gym.  I know, lets put eight year-olds out there who barely have the coordination to catch, and hit line-drives at their face.  And I haven't even scratched the surface with all the potential leg and shoulder injuries.  Plus, yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwnnnnnnn.  Baseball is a friggin' snoozefest.

"Daddy I don't get it.  In the Walter Hill film "The Warriors", what were those guys with the face paint and wooden sticks supposed to be dressed up as?" - My 5 year-old son.

Football - This has all the same problems as baseball: Pine-riding, dangerous, terrible parents, etc.  The difference is, it's even easier for you kid to get lost in the shuffle.  Your town probably only has one youth football team.  Which means the roster might have fifty kids.  If your kid stinks, he's going to be doing a lot of cheering for his teammates.  The other bad thing is, football is way more expensive.  I'm not sure how much equipment the kid has to buy, but it's more than baseball and more expensive too.  And if you're pushing your kid to play football so they can be a famous athlete and support you, I hope you are comfortable with living with the fact that you caused them permanent brain damage.  There's lots of evidence for it.  Here for example.  At a certain age, they have to be allowed to choose for themselves, but why would you force them to do it as a child?

This is your brain.  This is your brain on Football.  I SAID....THIS....IS....YOUR.....oh never mind, just go back to counting your money.

Basketball - I don't have a lot of problems with youth basketball.  It's relatively safe, and there aren't quite as many fanatic parents.  Most kids are absolutely terrible at young ages, so they get everyone involved.  However, this is part of the problem.  Watching younger kids trying to shoot a basketball is like trying to thread a needle while drunk.  So much anxiety, so little Xanax.  Also, basketball at higher levels becomes one of the most difficult to stay involved with.  Small rosters make it difficult to continue playing for less talented kids who love the game.

I just happened across this picture.  Then I noticed the joke.  Hilarious / Terrifying.

Soccer - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!  Seriously though, you are supposed to stop your kids from making terrible life decisions, not encourage them to do so.

Sorry, I meant: ever since you joined that youth FOOTBALL hooligan league you've been such a dick.

Track/Cross Country - I'm not too sure what age this starts.  I remember doing the 50 yard dash in school at a very young age, but as far as formal races who knows.  What I do know is that for some reason running has become one of the most popular pass-times in our country.  What I can't figure out is: what the hell is wrong with people?  "Did you see how fast I got from point A to point B?  I'm pretty rad."  Nobody cares.  Seriously.  Nobody.  I can't figure out why you even care.  All sports are pointless when it comes down to it.  They help teach us how to interact with others, take orders, develop as a person, but the main goal is an achievement that means literally nothing out of context (My little league team was the best in the league one year, we only lost two games.  Do you care?).  Running doesn't even have those other lessons.  Running is simply a way to earn bragging rights.  Oh, I ran x miles in x minutes.  Ok, great, I ate three Snickers in five minutes.  We're both winners!  And if you're going to tell me that growing as a runner develops self-discipline, I'd tell you that there are many equally valid, less sweaty ways to do the same:  Avoiding food you know is bad; cutting out pop; cutting out swearing; doing something to grow mentally like reading; getting involved in literally any other sport (yes, even soccer).  And if you tell me you love to run, I will look you in the face and call you a liar.  Walkers for life.

At least this guy has a pretty good reason.

Hockey - See Football then multiply by a billion.

'Nuff Said

Martial Arts - So I guess this is kind of a pseudo-sport.  It is athletic, and many kids get involved at a very young age.  The best parts about it are that it teaches self-discipline and respect.  And since it is an individual sport, your child is always involved.  There is typically very little physical contact at younger ages, which means much fewer injuries than you would expect.  Unfortunately it is awfully expensive.  Unless you're lucky enough to have a YMCA or similar intramural gym that offers cheap or free classes, most studios charge an arm and a (sweep the) leg to get involved.  However, every child could benefit from some self-defense training.  Schools aren't getting any safer.  Plus, knowing how to defend against an abduction is never a bad skill for a child.  I'm all for practical skills.  Just know that making enrollment in martial arts public knowledge may open the floodgates for even more bullying at school.  The kid doing sloppy sidekicks at the bus-stop isn't exactly killing it in the friend department.

I'm fairly certain the sewer-dwelling Chicago Uber-hipsters have made this man their king.

I'm so torn.  Philosophically I hate sports; in actuality I enjoy most of them.  However my main point is there are many other much more practical aspects of life that children can be encouraged to pursue.  Oh I don't know, gaining knowledge about the world, for example.  I believe participating to some degree in a sport is an important part of individual development, but I'd prefer not to have my child gravely injured, or even subjected to listening to a profanity-laden tirade from a moronic parent.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those "We're all winners!" people.  The most important and maybe harshest lesson a child must learn is that winning and losing are a part of life.  I just feel like there has to be a more constructive environment to teach this lesson.  An environment not sullied by hostility, unfairness, injury, and emphasis on the superfluous.  And hell, if my kid wants a Superbowl ring, I'll just drop by a pawn shop.

Next Time:
All Inked Up

25 Things I Will Definitely Teach My Son

I haven't blogged for a long time. We had a bit of a scare. Everything is fine but writing took a back seat to sitting quietly and letting my fears take hold. It was a shit couple of weeks.  After we found out everything was fine we got really busy with my birthday, Easter, registering, baby fairs, all the typical stuff.  We also found out we are having a BOY!  I'm pretty pumped about that.  Anyway, I've decided to jump back in slowly with a short, humorous and sadly accurate list. Enjoy.

Things I will definitely teach my son:

25. Goonies never say "die".
24. Sometimes being a werewolf skips a generation...

...but sometimes it lands on your face.

23. Being a man has nothing to do with balls and everything to do with responsibility.
22. When all else fails, there is always pizza.
21. Poop will be funny even when you're 90.
20. Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.
19. There is always a bit of art to science, and a bit if science to art.
18. Girls fart too.
17. You could be Batman, but it would probably be really hard, so just settle for being Jughead or Bazooka Joe.
16. Don't let fear get in the way of doing the things you want.
15. The holocaust was pretty lame.
14. Vampires' mortal enemies are the Frog brothers.

First come, first staked.

13. Good mogwai won't let you feed them after midnight; bad ones will trick you into doing it.
12. Bullying is unacceptable.
11. Clowns are unacceptable.
10. Dogs are everyone's best friend.
9. Spiders are vial hell beasts that shall be given no quarter.
8. Smoking is for the weak.
7. Birthday suit is an acceptable pajama.
6. Party-pooper is not a literal term.
5. It is unacceptable to say you dislike something you have never tried.
4. Horror movies are as American as apple pie.

I don't like when grandma reads, she never does the blood-flooding-off-the-elevator noise right.

3. My music will always be better than your music, unless your music is my music. In which case, you're welcome.
2. Loving and respecting your mother is the best indicator of good character.
1. To thine own self be true.

Bonus - Shakespeare is pretty rad, especially when read by Bill Murray.

Bonus II - Daddy will always awesomesauce you.

Next Time:

Who the hell knows?  I'm just winging it.

6 Movies to Avoid While You're Expecting

Airlines decided long ago that it was not appropriate to show movies such as "Final Destination, "Flight", "Flight 93", "Flightplan", or pretty much any film with the word flight included in it.  Apparently watching planes go down in flames while soaring at 16000 feet can put people a little on edge.  I'm a firm believer that you should follow this same rule when it comes to pregnancy.  Your kid might not turn out like Macaulay Culkin if you watch "The Good Son", but it certainly won't help you sleep over the coming months.

Before I get started on the actual list here's a number of honorable mentions that just seemed too easy to include.
"It"  the Stephen King miniseries.  OK, so the kids in this movie weren't the problem, but they attracted the attention of a vicious clown-monster who psychologically destroyed children before he eviscerated them.  Not a pretty picture for a parent-to-be.
"Pet Semetary" - Kid hit by truck.  Kid reborn as a bloodthirsty monster.  Enough said.
"Children of the Corn" -  Again Stephen King proves that children are not to be trusted.  Especially if they fall under the guise of a demon who lives in a cornfield.
"Species" - This is more for the men, pre-pregnancy.  How do you know your wife isn't just a crazy alien looking to get knocked-up and then give you the old praying mantis treatment?
"The Omen" - Hell, if a guy like Gregory Peck is spawning the Anti-Christ, who knows what my kids will come out like.
"Slither" - Creepy weird pseudo-sexual parasite impregnation, although coupled with hilarious hijinks from Nathan Fillion.
"The Shining" - Let's see, a child with supernatural powers which make him a target for menacing ghosts, creepy twins, and a psychotic father bent on killing his entire family.  Happy times.

I hate doing this, but there are SPOILERS below.  If you haven't seen any of these films you may want to watch out.  Most of them are fairly old by now, but I just want to be fair.

#6 - Rosemary's Baby

So this one is pretty obvious too (horror movie, satan baby), but it just HAD to make the list.  This movie is so wrong, in so many ways.  Once or twice a decade a horror movie is made that surpasses the confines of the genre.  "Rosemary's Baby" is very well crafted and stands completely on its own as a great film.  Then you throw in the whole "carrying the spawn of Satan" plot and the movie just flies out of this world.

For a pregnant mother, this movie would cause a lifetime's worth of nightmares.  I'm not just talking about the number one most obvious thing.  What I found most disturbing (and I'm not a pregnant woman) was the conspiracy aspect of it.  This mother, at her most vulnerable, when she should be most excited, is being conned by every single person she knows.  Her neighbors, her doctor, and even her husband use her against her will to make their dark dreams come true.  Plus she drinks alcohol at least twice during the movie!  GASP!

Polish movie posters are AWESOME!

Another scary thing about this movie, and "The Omen" can be included in this as well, is that these monster-babies need to have names.  Although the chances are small, it is always possible that you have a name picked out which happens to be the same one used for the most evil child ever conceived. For instance, Rosemary wanted to name her baby Andy if it was a boy.  No wonder the other kids never wanted to play with me at recess.  Luckily, the coven decided Andy was too lame for a hell-spawn and named him Adrian instead.

Finally, there's what I call the first trimester factor.  Your wife will be the most ill in the first trimester, so seeing things that are unsettling or gross may not go over well.  For this movie, unsettling and gross would come in the form of about a dozen naked octogenarians.  I was not aware breasts could double as knee pads.


#5 - Garbage Pail Kids

Where to begin.

I think I take issue with the fact that the creatures in this movie are referred to as "Kids".  These things are kids in the same regard that Cerberus is a puppy.  If you imagine, even for a second, that one of these bastardized genetic experiments could be an actual child, your mind will be blown into oblivion.

This is somehow less terrifying than the original Garbage Pail Kids

This movie also carries with it the weight of the ruined names.  After seeing GPK for the first time, Valerie is forever linked with Valerie Vomit.  These sorts of nicknames are supposed to be made up by other children on a playground, not ingrained in a child from the womb.

OK, I'll play devil's advocate and say maybe you won't give birth to a Garbage Pail Kid (I think the rate is around 1 in every 10,000 births).  There's still always the chance your kid will be the normal one who hangs out with this gang of freaks.  That would somehow be so much worse:  You raise a completely normal, well-adjusted child, who for some reason feels the need to learn life lessons from a bunch of space babies who look like cabbage patch kids that were grown on the fertile ground near Chernobyl.

This movie is all about the first trimester factor.  There is a chance you can make it though on a good day without getting sick to your stomach.  But if you're pregnant, and have even the slightest hint of morning sickness, you'll be chewing back spew through the whole flick.

#4 - Ghostbusters 2

If you know me, even a little bit, then you know I love both "Ghostbusters" movies.  I truly can't find a single flaw with either film.   They are the pinnacle of modern American cinema.

So why would I put "Ghostbusters 2" on my banned movies list for the pregnancy months?  I think it has to do with my fear that a magic Carpathian king will somehow try and steal my baby in order to use him as a vessel for rebirth that he might conquer the world and usher in a new era of pain and hardship. Of course, this illogical fear may have actually stemmed from watching this movie in the first place.  Chicken or the egg.

I always wondered if the baby would have Vigo's face after the ritual had taken place.  Seriously, that might be the deal breaker.  Maybe I could stick around and raise a kid who would turn out to be a total jerk as an adult, but if I had to look at that creepy face plastered on a little kid's body for years I might just go insane.  It would be like living inside of an Aphex Twin video.

Uh, maybe I should put Aphex Twin videos on the Avoid list too.

The nice thing about "Ghostbusters 2" is the fact that there is no first trimester factor.  The grossest thing you'll see in this movie is Annie Potts kissing Rick Moranis.

#3 - Alien

This movie could have easily been number one.  The entire thing is just a weird, thinly veiled attempt and violating and emasculating anyone who watches it.  Let me just spell it out for you.

Alien - Walking Dong
Face-Hugger - Vagina Monster
Chestburster - Birth

The whole movie is about a guy being mounted by a creature who forcibly impregnates him, the penis baby then burst out of his chest (probably painful) and kills everyone else on the ship.  THIS is the movie we should be showing kids in health class.  "Children there is a 25% chance unprotected sex could lead to pregnancy, 5% that it could lead to an STD, and 78% that it will lead to an alien jumping out of your body and slaughtering everyone else on your spaceship."

Get me some damn ice chips!

The first trimester factor for this one is crazy bad.  Everything is greasy, grimy, phallic, bloody and just generally disgusting.  Please don't watch it during pregnancy.  Watch "Aliens" instead.

#2 - Labyrinth

There are plenty of "babysitter ruins the family" movies, but none quite so disturbing as the half-sister who gives her baby brother away to a gang of music loving goblins led by the iconic David Bowie.  It's supposed to be a movie for teenagers or older kids, but it's really quite terrifying.

First of all, what does a middle-aged goblin king want with a baby?  I'm hoping he just wants to raise him to be some sort of goblin heir, but something tells me that's not the case.  Goblins tend to eat babies.  No matter how jovial and fun these goblins seem they all have a taste for baby meat.

The movie doesn't become less terrifying if you've got older kids either.  There's nothing stopping the oldest from saying a few magic words and shipping the young ones off to live with the goblins.  Plus, if you've got a teenage daughter, you're already worried about boys showing up at your door.  Now you also have to worry about the middle-aged bisexual rulers of the outlying monster kingdoms.

Of all the reasons that this movie is disturbing to a parent, there is one part that has stuck with me my entire life.  Check out this video at about 1:20.

You've never seen this shit on Sesame Street

Nothing is more disturbing to me than seeing something moving in a crib and knowing it's not a baby.  Couple that with the weirdo things poking their heads in and some brit flying in the window and playing with his balls, and you've got a recipe for nightmares.

There is no fist trimester factor for this one.  The bog of eternal stench is a little gross, but luckily smell-o-vision has yet to be created.

#1 - Klown The Movie

Before I go any further, I am recommending that NO ONE watch this film.  I found it quite funny, but I can't at all recommend this movie to anyone because I guarantee 100% that you will be offended and I don't want that coming back to bite me in the ass.  

I wanted to include a coming-of-age film in this group because most of them are terrifying reminders that our children will grow up and become adults, and as they do so they will probably take part in disturbing and offensive behavior that we would rather not know about.  This movie is the perfect example of this.

It is the story of a boy, his future uncle, and his uncle's friend taking a canoe trip (A gentleman's intermission to an exclusive brothel).  The three of them get involved in some horrible and disturbingly hilariously situations.  And in the process, the boy becomes a man (in the Bar Mitzvah sense, not the doing it sense).

Looks can be, and often are, deceiving.

Honestly, I don't even know how they got permission for the kid to be in this movie.  Either they bought him from an orphanage specifically for this or his parents are just crazy liberal Danes, which essentially means they don't care about anything.  

There's no gross-out first trimester factor moments, but I promise your wife will be offended regardless of stage of the pregnancy.  I was disturbed, and I am pretty unflappable.

Yes, there are a lot more movies to avoid while you're expecting, and even after.  I suppose if you wanted to see a heartwarming movie you could always stick with Disney.  You could watch "Bambi" (Dead parents), "The Lion King" (Dead dad), "Peter Pan" (Gang of orphans), Cinderella (Wicked Step-family).  Nope, that's no good either.  Just shut off the TV and sit in silence.  Movies will ruin you.

Next Time:

The Registry (for real this time)

Old MacDonald Can Blow It Out His Ass

We all know the songs:  "Old MacDonald", "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", "Wheels on the Bus", "Fat Smelly Hobo", etc.  And frankly, they all blow. There is nothing pleasing about listening to a song that will be stuck in your brain until the apocalypse.  I can remember being about 8 and hearing Rafi performing on PBS.  Even at that age I thought a person would have to be partially brain-dead to think that was entertainment.  Unfortunately, it's not entirely appropriate for your toddler to listen to Nine Inch Nails, so you've got to try and find a solution. Luckily, there are some things you can do.

First of all, you can suck it up and let the kid listen to whatever you listen to.  I grew up listening to the Beatles on golden oldies radio.  Trust me, you don't realize that "Yellow Submarine" or "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" are about drugs until you're at least 10.  That's plenty of time for your offspring to enjoy listening to well constructed and entertaining music without being corrupted.

Really, how much can a tiny baby take away from music written in a language they don't even understand?  If a baby listens to some Pink Floyd and happens to hear, in a slightly distorted and frightening tone, the lyric "One of these days I'm going to cut you into little pieces" how much damage can it really do?  If Jr could even understand the lyrics, it would probably be smart enough to understand that the song is not directed toward them.  For what it's worth, I think babies would totally be into some Bad Brains.

There's nothing children love more than gangly rastafari playing punk rock music.

Maybe you're one of those modern coddling hipster loser type parents, and you're thinking that a band with a song called "Fearless Vampire Killers" might be inappropriate for a child (A punk rock song named after a movie directed by a probable pedophile could be seen as a poor choice for a child).  I just want you to know, you're what's wrong with America.  Also, you have other options.  

Some credible bands have actually done their own children's albums.  Well, when I say credible, I mean that in the sense that any band who's music was featured on "Tiny Toon Adventures" can be considered credible.  They Might Be Giants is a band that most people in their 30's only remember from the song "Particle Man".  Really anyone who listened to TMBG could have seen their children's music transition coming.  "Your Racist Friend" is essentially the anthem of the 21st century toddler.

Another former band firing themselves in the Baby Beluga kiln is Devo.  They've gone so far as to rename themselves Devo 2.0.  Really it was the next logical step.  Original Devo fans were essentially just toddlers who knew calculus and could actually afford the Star Wars toys they sought after.  

Personally I wish Danny Elfman would get Oingo Boingo back together to do a children's album.  He's already done so many kid friendly movies, why not reform the talented crew who performed "Little Girls" and make another song called "Little Boys".  OK, there might be too much of a pervert vibe from a song like that, but it's got a groove I can dance to.

Currently, I"m really digging on the Rockabye Baby! albums.  This is one of those ideas that you wish you had though of.  What is boils down to is someone took the music from a bunch of famous artists (The Cure, Led Zeppelin, Queen, Rush, The Smiths, AC/DC, Pink Floyd, Bjork, Metallica, The Smashing Pumpkins) and rerecorded them as lullabies.  They are quite soothing, and retain much of the musical integrity of the original songs you love.  Take a listen.

If you know the lyrics, I would suggest not singing along.

I really can't wait to play some of this music for my kid.  Outside of the classic baby milestones there are few I am really looking forward to:  Teaching my kid who Batman is, explaining the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and Schrodinger's Cat, and introducing my kid to the wide world of music.  Seriously folks, if we as parents don't take this obligation on ourselves, our kid will pick it up on the streets and end up listening to the musical stylings of Carly Rae Jepsen!  Gasp!

So, if none of this works for you I do have one final solution (whoops too soon).  If you're at all musically inclined, start your own damn kids band.  How hard can it be?  Slide whistle, kazoo, nonsensical repetitive lyrics, mix it into a bright colorful bucket of goup and the kids will eat it up.  It could be so easy.  You only have to write songs in the key of C (children are physically unable to hear music in any other key).  I even wrote the words to your first song.  They are simply: "Pooping is easy" repeat 28x.  

Maybe you think children's music is too pandering.  Your kid has refined tastes.  They want to hear something in the mixolydian scale in 7/8 time.  The easy solution would be to have them listen to Frank Zappa, but Zappa might be too overtly sexual for a six month-old.  You could always strive to be the most creative and indie children's band ever created.  From what I've seen though, that doesn't work.

Seriously, if you don't watch Portlandia, you probably aren't in my demographic.

I guess I'm going to stick with a combination of adult music that is appropriate, and the Rockabye Baby! stuff.  When the kid starts to reach the age that they can understand the music, I'll probably throw in some They Might Be Giants ("Here Comes Science" sounds like it may have been written just for my kid).  We have to remember a large part of parenting is discerning what is and what is not appropriate for our children to be involved with.  There is plenty of good music out there, for adults and children alike, that is enjoyable.  But remember even if the song is appropriate for a child, the band name may not be.

Daddy what's a "Pornographer"?

I'd like to take a quick moment to thank those of you who actually read these posts.  I've gotten quite a bit more traffic than I expected, and the pace has been quite steady.  Those of you who read all my posts or have shared them, I really appreciate it.  I would also like to point out that the support makes it harder to be cynical and sarcastic, so please go away.  You're ruining my vibe.

Next Time

The Registry Labyrinth 

Top 5 Baby Rooms and How to Make Them Balls-out

It feels like I've been gone forever.  It has been a crazy busy couple of weeks.  Actually, much of my time has been spent getting the baby's room ready.  I'll let you guess which of these five I actually instituted *Wink*.

At the risk of looking like a total jag-bag, I'm going to 100% ripoff one of my favorite comedy sites, cracked.com.  The list format just seemed to work well for this. If any of you feel like narcing on me, please don't. Those fools have nothing better to do than berate and wedgie me for stealing their format.  Those international blogger conventions are hell for the independent blog artist such as myself. 

Before you start to do all the heavy lifting remember these few things.  First, your wife can't do any heavy lifting.  Second, she should not hang out in the room despite the deliciously inviting aroma of paint fumes.  Finally, never question any of the decisions she has made about the room.  Long story short: she's the foreman, you're the slave.  It's like the conception night all over again.


#5. Batman Baby - Boy

When selecting a room for your child, it is important to start with the best sources.  For a Batman room, hit up the nerdiest search engine on the web:  Google.  I figured I would get a bunch of pictures of blue rooms with posters of the bat and Dark Knight-lights.  Instead, what I found was this monstrosity.  

I just keep picturing that Phil Collins scene from American Psycho

Where to begin with this turd of a room.  First of all, who in the world could afford to put together shit like this.  Only Bruce Wayne himself could furnish the extravagant custom made bat furniture seen in this room.  Is that a friggin' tumbler crib?  It's cool and all, but I heard that the conversion kit to a toddler bed is sold separately.  Also, the bed is clearly a king made for an adult, or more likely, multiple adults. My point is, somebody is probably using it for dirty business.  I suppose you'd have to have money to convince any woman to come back to your house and get busy in your Batman bed.  Why a bed like that would be a room clearly decorated for a child is anybody's guess.

Sadly, what bothers me the most about this room is the mixing of Batman genres.  It isn't like they took and collected parts of the Caped Crusader throughout the years and combined them into an eclectic and interesting way.  Clearly, this person just saw "Batman Begins" and Tim Burton's "Batman" then decided to mix them up into some sort of Batman butt-mud.  I really wish I could make out the Sistine Chapel style painting on the ceiling.  I imagine it is a portrait of Batman with his arm around the wonderful Katie Holmes-Cruise-Holmes and Maggie "My Brother is Prettier" Gyllenhaal.  

Now that I'm looking at it, it appears to be a hotel room rather than a kid's room.  This seems like a much more idiotic idea.  

My Take

It's so easy.  Kids are drawn to bright colorful things with simple shapes and designs.  Paint the whole room black.  Then, go and buy yourself that tumbler crib or whatever it is.  You're halfway there.  Now just stock the place with black furniture.  Then, what you'll want to do is, get the biggest can of yellow paint you can imagine.  Tape off a big bat-symbol in the middle of the biggest wall, and go to town.  Stock with the coolest Batman toys available (you know, the ones that will hurt any child under the age of 10) and you're good to go.  The bat-symbol will pop so well in all the black, your child will be fixated on it.  Hell, they might just grow up to be an awesome crime-fighter because of it.  

#4. Hunting Blind - Boy

In an attempt to come to terms with my southern roots, I thought I would check out a good old boy style room.  If we have a boy, my dad will probably call him "Bubba" from time to time, so I figure maybe his room should look the part too.  I already bought a baby trucker hat and a bunch of grease-stained onsies.  I was not at all shocked to find that "Camo Room" returned about a gazillion hits on google.  I just worry that if I leave the baby in there I won't be able to find it again until it makes a sound.

Sadly, most of the camo rooms weren't as gaudy or offensive as I had hoped.  The room pictured is actually really neat if you get rid of the camo.  It has a very nice homey and woodsy feel that would fit in nicely at a cozy house in Michigan.  Of course, with the camo, it looks a little like Ted Kaczynski's nursery.

Does that sign in the bottom right say "Whorish"?

My Take

Well the walls have to be camo.  Duh.  The whole reason to do a camo room is to paint the whole thing in camo.  I would want this kid to be able to use the whole room like one big hunting blind.  The next step would be to get rid of all the "stuffed animals" and put in some Stuffed Animals.  A giant bear poised over the crib would be just the thing the kid needs to desensitize him enough to be able to kill one with his bare hands someday.

#3. Cheerleader - Girl

I like sports, but if I have a girl there's no way she can play.  Sports are for boys dummy.  Plus, where would a girl put a jock strap?  Naturally, the next logical step is cheerleader.  If it's a girl, the best you can hope for is that they will be pretty enough to be allowed to cheer on the boys of her class.  

Again I hit google for some ideas.  Not many rooms out there for girls under the age of 12 or 13.  I guess most people aren't pushing for their daughters to be cheerleaders right out of the womb.  (Side note - do not just willy nilly type Cheerleader Bedroom into google unless you are prepared for the consequences.)  I found one that was almost terrifying enough to be added to this list.

Sadly giant tiger artists are hard to come by.

Take this one, replace the bed with a crib, change the mentally challenged tiger to an animal of your choosing, and you're ready to go.  Your daughter can grow up to be a Chicago Bears cheerleader with little to no effort on her part.

My Take

Football and basketball are getting so passé, and baseball was never cool enough to have cheerleaders in the first place.  The only sport our kids are going to be watching in 20 years is UFC, so the logical step is Ring Girl Room.  It is so much better.  Your daughter won't even have to pick up any special skills like talking and moving simultaneously.  She just has to be able to lift a card above her head and walk in high heels.  For the room, just fill the closet with stilettos and string bikinis.  Oh and then hire a contractor to reshape the room into an octagon so she can get used to walking around that shape.  Posters of sweaty men fighting are optional.

#2. Clown Room - Unisex

Babies love bright colors.  Babies love fun.  Babies love laughing.  Babies love frightening hobos who cover their wretched, gnarled faces with grease paint.  If a baby could immediately talk, it would ask for a clown room.  Make your baby's dreams come true with a deliciously hilarious clown room.

Sadly, searches for clown baby room on google yielded little to no results.  There weren't even joke rooms listed.  So many people love clowns, but refuse to pay them homage by adorning a section of their house in the national clown colors.  I did find one room which apparently someone designed on a computer in 1993.  Would you like to see it?  No?  Too bad, I refuse to face this nightmare alone.

My dog saw this picture and immediately peed on the floor.

The scariest thing about this room is the wallpaper.  It literally feels as though it will start breathing at any moment.  Also, I don't know who decided dressing up animals and things as clowns would be a good idea, but it really just lends itself to the whole "I have no clue what is under that makeup" vibe.  Did you see the lamp shade?  No you didn't, because it is eerily camouflaged into the wall paper.  Matching patterns on furniture to the pattern of the wallpaper is just one way to create optical illusions that will drive a small child to the brink of madness.  That's how David Lynch does it.

My Take

The subtle creepiness is the true stuff of nightmares.  If you think about the scariest movies you've ever seen, the worst parts are always the ones where you just feel uneasy for an extended period of time.  That's why my clown room would just be an overt carnival of horrors.  I'm talking a painted sewer vent in the corner of the room with Pennywise peaking his head out.  There should be a life-sized statue of any or all of the Killer Klowns from Outerspace.  And a recreation of the "Can't sleep clown'll eat me" headboard from the Simpsons.  There are any number of things you can do.  The good news is your kid will be so used to clowns, you will actually be able to take them to the circus.  That is, if you weren't so bat-shit scared of clowns yourself.

#1. Clean and Simple - Unisex

Many people are looking for a nice modern look.  Neutral walls and simple, classic furniture are a style that can look good in any home with little effort.  Google is ripe with pictures of rooms like this. 

Paint, buy furniture, cover outlets and you're done.  Obviously there is nothing in here for the baby to be distracted by, so it can concentrate on growing and pooping like a good baby.

My Take

I would take this room two steps further and turn it completely into the magical white-walled wonderland that is the eastern European orphanage.  All the best and brightest come from inside the walls of these amazing baby factories.  To recreate in your own home simply paint the walls eggshell white, make a crib from chicken-wire (cheap and effective), and install a food slot on the door.  This is the latest in Laissez Faire parenting.  It will teach your child to be creative and resourceful, putting them head and shoulders above all the other coddled, needy children their age.  

When you do prepare the baby's room remember they really won't know or notice most of the things around them.  Seriously, the clown room described above is going to torment you more than it will the child.  As soon as your kid is old enough to decide what they like, that's what they're going to want plastered all over their walls.  If your daughter does want to be a cheerleader, then decorate her room that way.  Kids should be encouraged to follow their dreams.  Unless their dreams are stupid, then they should be dashed on the white walls of orphanage room.

Next time

The Wheels on the Bus

Gender Bender

Better than being a girl. Like you. You're a girl!

Nearly everybody who has had a child, or is preparing to have one, has said, "I just want a healthy baby.  I don't care what it is."  This statement, for all intents and purposes is total BS.  (Side note: I had a teacher in college that always said "intense purposes" instead of "intents and purposes".  I never heard her say it, but I always imagined she also said the word "bur-gina").  Saying you don't care if it's a boy or a girl is like saying you don't care what type of ice cream someone gives you.  You're either a chocolate or vanilla person, period.  If you order a swirl cone in Alabama they release the dogs and spray you with a fire hose.

What gender you prefer is completely dependent on about a billion different variables.  Guys want a son they can pal around with and roughhouse.   Girls want a little princess they can dress-up.  Some dudes want a girl because they know she'll be a daddy's girl, and vice-versa for women.  But, in general people want a little version of themselves that they can live vicariously through, you know, because people are morons.  Expecting your child to be another you is one of the biggest ways that you can really screw up their life.  

As a man, most people probably expect that I would want a boy.  And while a boy would be great, (I just want a healthy baby.  I don't care what it is) I am leaning more toward a girl.  There are two main reasons for this.  First, teenage boys kind of creep me out, what with the smell and all.  Second, with a girl, my wife gets to handle the hard stuff, and I just skate on by.  The bonus would be that I get to dress her up like a princess.  My dog is getting pretty sick of wearing tutus and tiaras.  

The great thing about having a boy would be the whole "boys will be boys" aspect.  There are many aspects of life that boys get a pass on simply because they are boys.  Just ask Warren Zevon (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJefPK_UkdM).  But you'll need a Ouija board to do that.  In truth it is just harder to be a woman in our society.  I'm not even going to cite examples, it's just true.  The easier the life my kid has, the better.  It makes my job as a parent easier.  Also, if you have a boy, they can play professional sports and send home million dollar checks every few months.  Cha-ching.

So if you feel like you want to pick what gender you're having there are some ways you can do it.  One program essentially filters through sperm using the differential in mass between the heavier XX sperm and the lighter XY sperm (NERD!).  All well and good if you want to cough up a few thousand dollars.  You could also take your egg and sperm stuffs to a lab, mix them up for you, grow some babies, wait until they get far enough along, do a DNA test for gender, and then implant them in you lady.  Not a great option for the cheap or those who don't like to waste babies.  You could also take advantage of science on your own.  If you try to conceive at the beginning of ovulation where the egg is further away, the larger XX sperm have a chance to even out with the faster XY sperm.  Conceiving later in ovulation gives your lighter XY sperm a chance to sprint for the closer egg.  It's essentially the difference between a sprinter and a distance runner.  I'd say the chances of success for one over the other are about 50%.  Not bad.  

So, when should you find out whether you having a Luke or a Leia?  You could just wait until the thing comes shooting out.  The doctor holds up the screaming mess and says, "It's a XXX!"  Of course, the doctor could always pull the thing out and say, "Holy Shit!  I've never seen that before."  

In the old days when Luke was a biblical character and Leia was some made-up hippie name, people just had to guess at what the sex was.  We all know some of these old wives tales.  Carrying high it's a boy, or if you're carrying low it's a girl.  Again, presumably because all those XX chromosomes in the girl are weighing her down.  Also, apparently if one breast is larger than the other it denotes whether it is a boy or a girl.  Here, let me check.  One of the creepier signs is if the dark line on your wife's belly only goes to her belly button it is a girl.  If it goes all the way to her ribs, like something will come bursting out at any moment, the baby is a boy.  Of course you could always just add the conception age of your wife to the month the baby was conceived.  Odd is a girl, even is a boy.  It's math, it must be true.

The great thing about the time we live in is that modern science is amazing.  Now we can find out what sex the baby is as early as 15 weeks.  Who doesn't want this critical point in their lives to be punctuated by the ultrasound tech announcing, "There's his little pee-pee!"?  Unfortunately, sex determination from an ultrasound is only about 85-90% effective.  Apparently, the baby has to be in the exact right position because all their business parts just look like weird lumps.  

Sometimes the baby just doesn't appreciate the invasion of privacy.

I don't know how I'm going to tell people what the sex of my baby is.  I was thinking if it's a boy I could come out and hold him in the air with a stereo playing "The Circle of Life".  Of course if the first song my baby hears is by Elton John, I'd prefer it to be "Rocket Man".  Many people now have Gender Reveal Parties.  You could cut into a cake with pink or blue frosting in front of all your friends and family.  Or, you could flash the ultrasound picture of your baby's crotch on a TV and play "Guess the Dingus".  Trust me, your kid is probably going to resent your for stuff anyway, why not get your kicks too.

No matter what you have, be sure to take care of it and love it.  After all, they will be picking the flavor of gruel you get when you can no longer feed yourself.

Next time:

The Baby Room

The Horror...

In the classic Francis Ford Coppola (or as Nick Cage calls him "Unckie Franky") film "Apocalypse Now", Marlon Brando plays a renegade army colonel holed up in Cambodia.  He and his guerrillas use the neutral country to avoid the US military and wage their own war on sanity and human decency.

This is what your baby is now doing to you.

All 4D ultrasounds look a little like Colonel Kurtz.  Or maybe it's Swoosie Kurtz.

Ok, so people with brains the size of a pea can hardly be insane, or wage war for that matter.  It is more appropriate to say that the baby has arrived at your door with a very large amount of baggage.  Yes, everyone has excess luggage.  Unfortunately, when we're first born, we're so small our parents have to carry our bags for us.  So if you're planning on children, start the emotional weightlifting now.  Have your wife browbeat you for no reason.  Tell the doctor to wait an extra month before giving you the test results for that toothache you had.  Maybe suggest to your boss that they cut your pay indefinitely.  Whatever you can do to get your feelings constantly in flux, do it.  It might slightly help to prepare you for this baby stress.

At the second doctor's appointment you'll get to hear all the terrible things that could be wrong with your child.  They have screenings that can help determine if you're at higher risk for a variety of different genetic problems.  Your kid got too many chromosomes?  Not enough chromosomes?  Is your child's spine developing outside of it's body?  Want to know if your baby will eventually develop a life threatening disease that won't even be noticeable until they reach middle age?  Well we can tell you!

What they don't really tell you is that for most of these things there are really only two options.  Deal with it, or the other thing.....

It sucks. Suddenly you realize how little control you have. You're Martin Sheen and you're deep in the Cambodian jungle with a madman and a legion of his military trained and brainwashed followers.  So how do you slowly rise out of that jungle river and murder your fears with a giant bowie knife?

Didn't that guy coach the Mighty Ducks?

My first step was to just try to not think about it.  Cause that'll work.  It's like the first time you heard about the swine flu.  People were telling you how bad it would be, and how everyone was going to die.  You listened quietly keeping calm and collected, all the while thinking, "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh...."  Every time you developed a tickle in your throat you had to choke back a cough.  If you did cough or sneeze you knew it was time to write your will.  After a while you realize, the quickest way for you to get over it is by living life.  There's an old saying, "Hold on to bad thoughts too long and they turn to brown soup in your bowels.  Move on with your life and you'll poop true."  That's good advice for anyone.

It is also good to keep in mind the health of you and your spouse.  If you're young and healthy there's no reason to think your baby won't be fine.  If you make an omelette with expired eggs it may not turn out well.  However, if you use fresh eggs, you're not going to test it first or expect it to be bad, you'll just dig in.  Right?  (Seriously, that's not rhetorical, I'm not too sure about that analogy.)  

Of course there is always good old statistics to relieve your stress.  For instance, your chances of having  a baby with Spina Bifida is about the same as getting dealt a Royal Flush in poker.  Take it from someone who has played thousands of hands of poker: those are not good odds.  So really you've got an amazing chance at a winning baby, and a shit chance at the perfect poker hand.

The truly scary thing is that the fear will never leave.  You will always be worried about your child's health and happiness.  Really, that's good news.  This sort of empathy will prove you are not a cyborg.  It also means you are going to make a fine parent.  If you do not care about your child it is possible you are a cyborg built with synthetic memories to make you think you are human.  It is much more possible that you are a sociopath.  Why go through all the work of having a child if you don't give a damn about it?

So I guess there is no reason to be afraid of the giant ball of stress you've made for yourself.  You just have to live life and realize that bad things will happen, you just have to deal with them.  That's why I write.  It keeps my mind off worrying and on the happier things.  Plus it allows me to make an ass of myself in a hitherto unused media.  Lord knows I've embarrassed myself in just about every other way imaginable.

See....

Next Time:

Gender Bias